God commands, "you shall not murder."
...too late.
i murdered cory collins.
a few days ago, amanda and i were frolicking along the beautiful and serene la jolla shores. the air was crisp and salty, and the gentle wind swept across our happy faces. while looking for seashells, i made my greatest find ever!! meet my friend, cory collins :)
i think cory was really shy to meet me and amanda. he didn't want to say "hi" to us, so he kept his mouth tightly closed. i tried to pry him open to greet him a friendly, "hello!" but he wouldn't budge :( he's so strong!! haha, a part of me thinks he was scared that i would shank him. tahaha~i didn't know if cory was dead or alive. but either way, amanda and i brought him home. just in case he was still alive, we put him in a bowl of fresh saltwater to give him a homey feeling. for the next two days, i checked up on him regularly, to see if he'd come out and play. but he never opened up to us, literally and figuratively.
yesterday morning, i became impatient with our little buddy. thinking that maybe he was dead this whole time, i decided to boil him to open him up (amanda and i wanted his shell -- one half for each of us). as i placed him in the pot, he instantly opened! i was so happy to finally see him. but i was also really excited to share his shell with amanda.
too bad for cory.. i did end up shanking him with a fork. aha. SHANK.
anyways, a few hours later, a few friends of mine came over and i happily told them about my story of cory. i was so proud of myself for my greatest find ever! but then.......... one of my friends said, "you boiled the clam while it was still alive! when you boil a clam and it opens, that means it was still alive. if the clam never opened up even in boiling water, then it was dead from the beginning."
silence filled the room. all eyes were on me. shock overcame me. and then... "AHHHHH i'm a murderer!!!!!!" i was soo horrified. no one understands my feelings! i really thought cory was dead. that's why i didn't feel guilty for boiling him. who knew that i was boiling my little buddy to death!! had i known he was still alive, amanda and i would've returned him to the ocean (that's what we had agreed to do if we knew he was still alive).
sigh. well... i can't do anything about it now. r.i.p cory collins. (i may LOOK happy in this picture, but inside, i felt horrible)
while sitting at tea 'n more and scribbling away in my black journal and bobbing my head to my kpop music.. it hit me that i'm the biggest sinner and hypocrite ever. oh.my.gosh. i'm still in complete shock from the greatest epiphany of my life.
i never loved God.
my 22 years of living, i knew something was missing. for most of my life, i was convicted of the existence of God and i've always thanked our heavenly Father for everything He has provided. i've always feared Him, respected Him, trusted Him, believed in Him, and wanted to serve Him. but i can't ever recall saying that i love Him.
but today, it hit me that i was never passionate for God. i never could understand why people would cry at retreats or how people can talk about God in such a loving way as if they wanted to marry Him. seriously, it was so weird for me to hear my fellow sisters and even pastor joe talking about God in such a lovey-dovey way. so weird. but now.. it all makes sense! it's because they l.o.v.e Him that much. they're expressing their love for Him as He has been faithfully doing for us.
i'm the type of person who would fall really hard if i like someone. i don't like guys easily but if i happen to find someone, i'd like him a lot (NOT in the stalkerish, clingy way) and for quite some time. today, i began to compare my feelings for guys to my feelings for God. this is where my epiphany began. my feelings for guys in the past, just ordinary people, were more intense than my desire for my holy God. how immensely wrong and sinful that is!!!!
2 weeks ago, i started to actually want God. like, really want Him. of course, i've always wanted to devote myself to Him but this time, something was so different. (does this make sense?) it hit me that i want Him to be the sole "male" figure in my life (never did i think like this until now), and i don't want some boy to replace Him. no way. and it's no wonder i've become more easily annoyed with girls who constantly talk about their ideal boys and their future husbands. honestly, i think it's okay to talk about boys from time to time (it wouldn't be normal if girls didn't), but to talk about them in every freakin' conversation about the same freakin' thing is just soo.. unnecessary.
wow. praise God for this huge epiphany today. i love God. i really love God :)
one of my bestest friends, amanda, had once told me that if someone close to her passed away, then she'd get a tattoo that would represent that individual. i asked her if she'd get a tattoo if i died and she said, "yea." i asked her what she would get to represent me and she answered, "a cupcake." haha, she didn't even have to think hard about it. it's as if the word just rolled off her tongue. i wonder why she thought of a cupcake~ :)
anyway, i came across this picture of a cupcake and it reminded me of the conversation we had. i hope this will be something similar to amanda's future tattoo of me. hahaha :)
"julie & julia" is a really good movie and i highly recommend it. food, romance, comedy, AND based on two true stories -- what more can you ask for? :)
if you don't know the story, here's a one-sentence summary: a girl named julie powell starts a blog to write about how she will attempt to cook 524 dishes (524 recipes from julia child's cookbook) in 365 days in her tiny apartment. crazy, isn't it? that's a lot of money, patience, energy, and motivation.
as i was watching the movie, i couldn't help but think how it would be really cool if i could do something similar. like, see how many different types of desserts i can make within a year. and then a small voice whispered, "why limit yourself to a year? why not your whole life?"
sigh. ahh i dont know. i wonder when i'll know what i want to do with my life. what the big guy upstairs wants me to do with my life. fast forward 10 years.. where will i be? where will YOU be?
during my freshman year in college, i think i was having an identity crisis. haha i dont know when or how it started but i always had an urge to be a gangsta. none of that highschool, drug dealin weaksauce gangs but more so the mafia. the godfather. someone that the cops dont even wanna mess with. tahaha but of course, this was all in good fun. but maybe too much fun.
i began to relate gangsters with rappers since most (if not all) gangsters like rap n hip-hop. so, my first step towards to being a gangsta was to rap. little did i know that things would get out of control in college. i suddenly had a sidekick named neoclassick who gave me the nickname "shanksta" n rumors about me freestylin spread. emphasis on the word, "RUMOR." i DO NOT freestyle. omg, i WISH. haha! those who can freestyle are lyrical geniuses!!
so, as these rumors spread, it pushed me to try to write my own stuff because i wanted the rumor to be true. i'd write little raps here and there during classes, i tried to battle against some of my friends, but in the end, as i knew all along, i couldn't freestyle at all. and, i think it hit me during my sophomore year that i can never be a gangsta. no matter how hard i tried, my squeaky high-pitched voice would never be able to intimidate people. hell, my whole personality can't intimidate anyone. unless i lash out my anger. puahaha. (warning: never piss me off.) ahaha JK. :)
anyways. as i was looking through one of my folders, i found a piece of binder paper with one of my freestyles that i had written in my freshman year. it's super lame n quite embarrassing. but i thought it'd be fun to share it and look back on who i was trying to be. hahaha. enjoy. make fun. but at least i made you laugh~ :D
my amateur freestyle:
Yo yo! Check it!
I'm da great shanksta,
Da true n da real, I ain't no wanksta.
Hear me spit my flows n see me be gangsta.
I'm here wit mah homie by my side,
Introducin' Neoclassick whom I dearly abide.
Take a seat n now ya'll listen carefully,
Cuz me n him gon' kick it on dis flow ride.
Tick tock, da clock is turnin' n da heat is burnin',
My insides r churnin' but my heart is yearnin'.
For da 1 n only Christ Jesus, my undyin' addiction,
Who was sent to da cross fo' the unfathomable crucifixion.
The thorns on his head, n nails on his hands n feet,
All attribute to his immoral affliction.
Yet the pain of our sins gives him the most infliction.
Give thanks to God for Christ's salvation.
Without it, we'd be screamin' n hatin', livin' without liberation.
So let's come together n praise Him in boundless adoration.
For his love surpasses all our sins n transgressions.
i think cory was really shy to meet me and amanda. he didn't want to say "hi" to us, so he kept his mouth tightly closed. i tried to pry him open to greet him a friendly, "hello!" but he wouldn't budge :( he's so strong!! haha, a part of me thinks he was scared that i would shank him. tahaha~i didn't know if cory was dead or alive. but either way, amanda and i brought him home. just in case he was still alive, we put him in a bowl of fresh saltwater to give him a homey feeling. for the next two days, i checked up on him regularly, to see if he'd come out and play. but he never opened up to us, literally and figuratively.
yesterday morning, i became impatient with our little buddy. thinking that maybe he was dead this whole time, i decided to boil him to open him up (amanda and i wanted his shell -- one half for each of us). as i placed him in the pot, he instantly opened! i was so happy to finally see him. but i was also really excited to share his shell with amanda.
too bad for cory.. i did end up shanking him with a fork. aha. SHANK.
anyways, a few hours later, a few friends of mine came over and i happily told them about my story of cory. i was so proud of myself for my greatest find ever! but then.......... one of my friends said, "you boiled the clam while it was still alive! when you boil a clam and it opens, that means it was still alive. if the clam never opened up even in boiling water, then it was dead from the beginning."
