incredible epiphany

while sitting at tea 'n more and scribbling away in my black journal and bobbing my head to my kpop music.. it hit me that i'm the biggest sinner and hypocrite ever. oh.my.gosh. i'm still in complete shock from the greatest epiphany of my life.

i never loved God.

my 22 years of living, i knew something was missing. for most of my life, i was convicted of the existence of God and i've always thanked our heavenly Father for everything He has provided. i've always feared Him, respected Him, trusted Him, believed in Him, and wanted to serve Him. but i can't ever recall saying that i love Him.

but today, it hit me that i was never passionate for God. i never could understand why people would cry at retreats or how people can talk about God in such a loving way as if they wanted to marry Him. seriously, it was so weird for me to hear my fellow sisters and even pastor joe talking about God in such a lovey-dovey way. so weird. but now.. it all makes sense! it's because they l.o.v.e Him that much. they're expressing their love for Him as He has been faithfully doing for us.

i'm the type of person who would fall really hard if i like someone. i don't like guys easily but if i happen to find someone, i'd like him a lot (NOT in the stalkerish, clingy way) and for quite some time. today, i began to compare my feelings for guys to my feelings for God. this is where my epiphany began. my feelings for guys in the past, just ordinary people, were more intense than my desire for my holy God. how immensely wrong and sinful that is!!!!

2 weeks ago, i started to actually want God. like, really want Him. of course, i've always wanted to devote myself to Him but this time, something was so different. (does this make sense?) it hit me that i want Him to be the sole "male" figure in my life (never did i think like this until now), and i don't want some boy to replace Him. no way. and it's no wonder i've become more easily annoyed with girls who constantly talk about their ideal boys and their future husbands. honestly, i think it's okay to talk about boys from time to time (it wouldn't be normal if girls didn't), but to talk about them in every freakin' conversation about the same freakin' thing is just soo.. unnecessary.

wow. praise God for this huge epiphany today. i love God. i really love God :)