goodbye '09. hello '10

reflecting back on 2009, here are some things that i can remember off the top of my head:

-- my first car accident

-- graduated college!

-- learned how to laugh a lot, a lot.

-- enjoyed my alone times at tea 'n more while drinking black tea and journaling and thinking. sounds a bit emo, huh? haha well, it's not!! :P

-- first time falling in love with God. since then, my walk with Him has been so freakin' awesome :)

-- the end of serving as a dt leader. this actually makes me really, really sad.

-- my mom slightly thought i was gay. i reassured her that i'm not.

-- post-college "depression"

-- decided on becoming a CPA

-- first time taking delight in my trials and tribulations because i know God presents these struggles to help us grow and strengthen our faith in Him.

-- first time helping my aunts with thanksgiving and christmas dinner. that's probably the best thing about the 2 holidays this year. oh, and family bonding was quite special this year ♥

-- many, many oprah moments with people i never expected to share deep conversations with, and about taboo topics that i never expected to discuss

-- making new friends, strengthening friendships, losing friends

-- my first 5hr43min phone call

-- learned more about myself: i ask a lot of questions, i squeal when i'm excited and my voice becomes higher and higher, and i make funny/weird noises when i'm struggling with what i want to say and during random/silent moments while talking to a friend.

-- i'm in a relationship. on facebook. with a girl. and i'm the husband. hahaha no wonder my mom slightly thought i was gay!! ahaha just kidding!

i can probably go on and on with my list... but i won't. the main thing i've learned this year is that i'm young. i'm not saying that i'm young just because of my age, but the way i think is very childlike. the final months of 2009 have shown me how my views on certain matters have been seen through the eyes of a child. i really thought that i was pretty mature and ready to face the real world. but God greatly humbled me and pretty much slapped my face. my childlike attitude on friendships and relationships have been greatly altered and during the last days of this year, i'm learning how i need to grow up. or, well, God has presented challenges in my life to make me grow up. it's been hard, but i know that i can't pretend to be a little girl anymore. but man, truth hurts, and reality is quite scary. but the scariest thing of all is that the older i become, i'll be facing more of the real world and there won't be anyone to shelter me from it. i guess this is what it means to be putting my 100% trust in God.

i predict that 2010 for me will be stressful and painful. i'm kind of excited to start my cpa studies since i'll finally be taking my first leap into my future career. however, i'm going to get OWNED. therefore, i must study, study, study!!!~ eeek. anyways.

happy new year!! i hope your 2010 will be full of many blessings and happy moments!! :)

merry christmas!

this year, it didn't hit me that christmas was near. and it still hasn't hit me that christmas has come. i tried listening to christmas music in hopes of joining everyone in the holiday spirit and the jolly festivities... but, i don't know. i don't feel anything. it's like, something is really off. but, i realize now that the most important thing about christmas is not about the warm and cheery feeling that i'd normally get during this season. it's about recognizing a very special birthday for a very special person :) so, with that said... merry christmas!!

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins." All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"-- which means, "God with us." When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus. -- Matthew 1:18-25

what makes a good friend?

stacy: how's home?
me: mm, it's ok. it's good. i dunno, i'm just trying to enjoy these last days of break until i start studying.. but i'm already stressing over it.
stacy: for the accounting exam?
me: yes, for accounting
stacy: when are you gonna start really hardcore studying?
me: jan. 5. shoot me now
stacy: oh dang. yes good luck. ahaha. if i had a gun, then i'd be a good friend and do it.

my new definition of a good friend: someone who will shoot you when you ask them to. hahaha. sweet.

a negative skew

it's been hard. these days. or weeks. actually, this month.

i'm slipping away. from the one person who is always trustworthy. but my many misgivings are blinding me from wanting to spend time with Him. when i really should be turning to Him during this time of hate. all this mistrust that i have... it's been horrible. my views on the opposite sex are skewed. so skewed. skewed in the negative direction. it's bad. real bad.

i hate the fact that my thoughts are so skewed. and i hate the feeling of hate (haha). i sincerely feel like i'm being brainwashed. that i need to stay away from the whole male species. but i know that girls are as untrustworthy as guys, too, and i know that we're all sinners. but despite all this, i have little to no respect for guys (with the exception of friends). oh, man. i'm such a jerk.

hmm. all this talk about being skewed reminds me of my highschool stats class. do you remember the normal distribution with the mean at the center and all is balanced? it looks like this:but i've become a negatively skewed distribution. hate>love:

as time goes by, i pray that i'll become a positively skewed distribution. love>hate:

... i just compared my emotions to a mathematical principle. what a nerd.

pray

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. -- Romans 12:12

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. -- Colossians 4:2
But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. -- Jude 1:20

the gas station

there's a gas station i regularly go to and unlike most people, i like to pay in cash rather than with a card. but at the same time, i'm shy with strangers, so when i pay for something, i try to avoid eye contact. i wouldn't say i'm socially awkward but i do tend to get a teensy bit nervous around non-asians. especially non-asian men.

last night, i went to the gas station. i decided that this time, i'll walk up to the cashier, muster up my courage, hand him my money with my head help up high, and make eye contact. i had my own cheerleader cheering me on, You can do this! You can overcome your public speaking with strangers! Hwaiting! i boldly stepped inside the store, and the same black man who always works there was working there.

me: with a friendly voice and my head held up high, i hand him a $40 and said, "$30 on 8."
man: he looks at me, surprised to see that my head is no longer looking down at the floor (i'm sure he remembers this little asian girl who always mumbled to him and looked away from him.) "$30..on..8? 8, you said?"
me: "yea, 8." i smile.
man: he is now staring at me. (i start to become nervous again and wonder if my sudden confidence will crumble away in a few milliseconds. but no, my personal cheerleader tells myself, Hang in there! You're doing great! Don't be shy!) the man finally, and slowly, hands me my change and i let out a breath of relief.
me: "thank you!" i'm about to walk away from the counter, happy that i was successful at my attempt of being brave with a stranger... but...

man: "hey, so... you're wearin' a ucsd sweater. you in school? what's your major?" and etc, etc. surprisingly, i become more relaxed and i answer his questions with kindness. inside, i'm congratulating myself that i'm now conversing with a complete stranger, and it is no other than a black man. Sweet!! i'm pretty sure i can talk to all strangers now without being nervous. Way to go!

as he continues the small talk, i decide that this conversation should come to an end. i was proud of myself for even just making eye contact with a stranger but i really didn't need to stay and chat. that's too much for me. i mean, i JUST learned how to make eye contact. i learn through baby steps. one step at a time!! haha.

me: "ok. well, i'm gonna go..."
man: "you single?"
me: ".... what?" i'm completely thrown off by this question.
man: "you single?"
me: "..yea.. (insert nervous laughter).... mmk, i'm gonna go.." by now, i'm only three steps away from the door.
man: "do you date black guys? hey, i have to ask."
me: "haha (nervous laughter).. i'm.. not.. umm.. (Think, selena! Think!) i'm not looking for anyone right now."
man: "ah, you ain't lookin' for anyone. haha, aiite then. that's coo." and just my luck, his black friend comes inside the store so the man's attention is now diverted to his friend. and as for me, i bolted out the door.

i learned a lot from this gas station. i learned that i CAN talk to strangers. but i also learned that if you're friendly to a guy, he might think you're interested in him. ughhh -_-;; mann.. i wonder if he thought i was racist. dangit. now i need to find a new gas station! argh.

to all the single friends

maybe it's because of the cold, wintery weather. or maybe it's because it's the holiday season and love is in the air. whatever the reason may be, i've been hearing this comment one too many times: "i'm lonely~ i want a gf/bf~" (this month, i heard it 10 times from 10 different guys and girls) hahaha, oh dear friends...

ladies and gents! not to worry! one day, all your waiting for that special someone will be worth it! you just haven't met him or her yet :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

Michael Buble - Haven't Met You Yet
I'm not surprised
Not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times
I stop keeping track.
Talk myself in
I talk myself out
I get all worked up
And then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought I thought of every possibility.

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid that I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

Mmmmm.....

I might have to wait
I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing
And the other half's luck
Wherever you are
Whenever it's right
You come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And baby your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

Mmmmm.....

And somehow I know that it will all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
And in love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right
And we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

Mmmmm.....

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you kid I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love love love love love love......
I just haven't met you yet
Love love love.....
I just haven't met you yet

puppy vs. mirror

guess who wins??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpjyCE-R4Y4&feature=fvw

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. -- James 1:22-24

♥ to ♥

i love ♥ to ♥ moments. aka one-on-ones. aka oprah moments.

i'm not a huge talker in big crowds. in fact, i avoid having more than 2 pairs of eyes on me as much as possible. i also tend to shy away from people who are super outgoing and are the center of attention. no matter how nice and friendly they are, i still get pretty intimidated by them. way to be gangster, selena...... -_-;; haha! oye.

i love one-on-ones. they're so real, and personal, and intimate. i love getting to know a person and learning about where s/he comes from and how s/he is the person s/he is today. i'm really fascinated by how there are so many people in this world and yet we act and think so differently. mm~ :)

post-college, i've been sharing many oprah moments with a lot of sisters. i've learned so much from them and i'm always so happy and blessed when i come home from a girl-date. i really do believe girls are the best. and this is not a biased opinion. hahaha jk :)

a childlike friendship

a childlike friendship is one in which you become friends with someone simply by letting them borrow your pencil, or helping them build a sandcastle, or sitting with them during lunch. there are no questions of, "am i just an acquaintance, or a friend, or an in-between of the two?" there are no labels in this type of friendship. and it is this childlike friendship that i desperately seek but no longer can find.

when i see children, i smile and yearn for their innocence and their simple minds. it makes me sad to know that when they grow up, they're going to break out of their naivety, face the harsh reality, and be clouded with doubts about people and life. sigh.

i miss being a kid.

kobe. amazing.

i love basketball. if i could be born again, i'd like to come back as an all-star basketball player. MVP! tahaha!! :D

in last night's game, lakers were down by just two points against heat. at the very last second, kobe bryant shot a 3-pointer and swoosh! he scored at the sound of the buzzer! 108-107!! SWEEET!!! even if you're not a fan of basketball, check out the clip. it's too awesome to miss! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUkBlGYaej4&NR=1

떠나고 싶다

정말 답답하다. 집에 있으면 부모닙들 때문에 불편한 점도 있고 숨을 못 쉬는 날도 많이 있다. 하나님을 믿는 친구들도 별로 없고 집에 있으면 교회를 안 간다. 그래서 난 san diego 에 더 살고 싶어했다. 여기에 있으면 자유가 있고 다니는 교회도 있다. 하지만.....

san diego의 생활도 지치기 시작했다. 많은 사람들이랑 만나긴 하는데 그 중에서 누가 내 진정한 친구일까? 교회 사람들도 마찬 가지다. 몇 주 전에 우연한 사건이 있어서 그 때문에 피하고 싶은 사람듵이 생겼다. 그리고 난 사람들을 부정적으로 ("negatively." i had to look this up, haha) 보이기 시작했다. 아!!~~ T_T;;

어디 먼 곳에 가고 싶다. 여행을 가거나 아니면 다른데에 살건아, 지금은 이 곳에서 떠나고 싶다... 웃는데 웃는게 아니다...