wuss

one of my greatest weaknesses is that i fear man. and too often, i find myself fear man more than i fear God. i am so cautious of what i say or how i act around people because i don't want them to view me negatively. sometimes i wonder if i'm being fake or if i'm being real. i don't really know. i wish i were more of a risk-taker than a risk-averse person. then, i wouldn't find myself on a friday night wondering if i should call up a friend and see how they're doing. and yet, here i am, still wondering if i should call them up, or just let the hours pass by and it'll be too late to call. and my excuse for not calling would not be because i was afraid to call (i'm afraid if i call, the friend might think i'm annoying or needy. or the friend might be busy and i don't want to be the one to bother them), but because it was just too late to call. frankly speaking, i'm a wuss.

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose words I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? -- Psalms 56:3-4

... well, it's 11:16pm right now. it's too late to call, haha...-_-;;

tears of heaven

i usually don't like the rainy weather, mainly because my shoes and pants get drenched, but also because people are forced to drive at 35mph on the freeway and there are a lot more car accidents on a rainy day.

but today, i enjoyed the rain. it rained so hard and the winds were so strong as well. it surprises me at times that the season is still winter. i'm so forgetful of this since san diego is usually sunny, no matter what month it is.

mm, rain. when i was younger, i used to think that rain was the tears of God. whenever it rained really hard, i believed that God was really upset about something. i remember a day when it rained so much that my mom and i were stuck on the freeway for hours. the weather was so scary and i was really terrified. so i looked up through my foggy window and secretly asked God to stop crying so that my mom and i could go home safely. i also remember reasoning with God that if He stopped crying, then i'd be a good girl.

well, later on, i found out that rain is not the cries of God. silly me. but you know what? even though God doesn't physically cry, He does cry out when we sin. our sins hurt Him so much. everytime we sin, we're stabbing Him with a knife, taking it out, and stabbing Him again and again and again. i hate that. don't you? i hate sin. i hate what it does to me and i hate what it does to Him. but the crazy thing of all is, no matter how much we hurt Him with our evil ways, He still forgives us when we genuinely ask for forgiveness. crazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKrVDSY7ick&feature=related

Hillsong- All for Love
All for love a Father gave
For only love could make a way
All for love heavens cried
For love was crucified

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
But still You forgive
If only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

Let me sing all for love
I will join the angel song
Ever holy is the Lord
King of Glory
King of all

All for love a Savior prayed
Abba Father have Your way
Though they know not what they do
Let the Cross draw man to you

sonnet 43

while taking a break from studying at my second home, the library, i perused through the non-fiction aisle and i came across this old, battered book titled "365 love poems." i was never really a huge fan of poems, mainly because my brain couldn't seem to figure out the hidden meanings behind these complex but cleverly written compositions. but i figured that it wouldn't be too bad to read these poems since i already knew what they were about -- love! as i flipped through the yellowish pages with its distinctive musty smell hitting my senses, this one particular poem impressed me immensely. i remember reading this poem in my english class back in my good ole' high school days. but back then, i could care less about my english class (and love) so i didn't put too much effort into the readings (english was never a strong subject for me, can't you tell? i don't even bother to capitalize letters when i have to, haha).

anyway, reading this poem again, but with a more open-minded and mature outlook on love and literary pieces, i was quite dazed. i've fallen in love with this poem and so i googled it to get a better insight on it. this one particular website gave me this analysis, which made me fall in love with the poem even more: "'Sonnet 43' expresses the poet's intense love for her husband-to-be, Robert Browning. So intense is her love for him, she says, that it rises to the spiritual level (lines 3&4). She loves him freely, without coercion; she loves him purely, without expectation of personal gain. She even loves him with an intensity of the suffering (passion: line 9) resembling that of Christ on the cross, and she loves him in the way that she loved saints as a child. Moreover, she expects to continue to love him after death."

mm~ what a beautiful poem written so eloquently and so sweetly about the most profound and passionate emotion in the world. love :)

Sonnet 43
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,-- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!-- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1850)

75%

75% of my social life disappeared when i deactivated facebook. no wonder i've been a bit gloomy these days. the majority of my remaining 25% that i'm clinging onto are emails, blogs, phone calls and texts.

wow, facebook. without it, i don't know what's going on in peoples' lives. i'm kind of saddened by this... but then again, i shouldn't complain. without facebook, i'm learning to put more effort into the people that i still really want to keep in touch with. i actually really like emails, calls/texts, and an occasional "let's have a skype date!" invite. it's much more personal than facebook, that's for sure.

ah, alas that 75%. fortunately, or unfortunately, it has been replaced by my new best friend, mister becker.

(note: becker is the name of my review course)

science one-oh-one

my friends and i had a discussion about the sun and what would happen if we had no sun. the most basic answer that came to my mind was that if we had no sun, then there's just pure darkness. but one of my friends, the queer girl that she is, stated that we would somehow be dehydrated and shrivel up "like dried apricots" and die. she also had an interesting theory about how we can be over-oxygenated as well. in her view, we can be over-oxygenated by going to a place where "there's lots of oxygen... like the mountains." hahaha, oh my goodness... (fyi: there's less oxygen in high altitudes) clearly, we have no idea what we're talking about. but boy, what a fun day we had :)

hyemi's theory: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJBHvzBcOok

maturity

one of my new year resolutions is to grow up and be more mature. i shared this with some friends and i don't think they completely understood what i was saying. but that's ok because i think i confused myself, too. my impression of growing up and becoming more mature was basically to start acting like an adult, to be able to face reality without letting it take control of me and my thoughts, and basically, to think less childlike. but today, Pastor Joe's sermon taught me that my idea of maturity is so flawed and i've completely taken God out of the picture without realizing it. oh shnaps!

maturity. i want to be mature in the sense that i want to grasp the completeness of God. i want to be so faithful to Him that nothing, none of the earthly things of this world, will drift me away from Him. and finally, i want to be mature in the sense that my words, my thoughts, my actions will all be said and done through His love and His wisdom.

It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. -- Ephesians 4:11-15

just do it

only a mere 10% of candidates pass all 4 exams in one sitting. there's an 18-month time frame to pass the exams, or else one has to start all over again. so much money and time goes into this. BUT. so do other careers. i realize that i'm being so inconsiderate of others who are also struggling with their studies, too... gosh, i'm such a big baby... but no mo', no mo'!!

less complaining and more studying.
making my way to become a cpa.
suck it up and just do it.

for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe -- Philippians 2:13-15

first day

first day of the cpa review course. so fast-paced. crazy intense. 4 grueling hrs with one 15min break. and we only got a break because the teacher noticed how we were dying after 2hrs of nonstop information being thrown at us from left to right. during the last half hour of the night, i swear, she started speaking in a foreign language. it was all a bunch of jibberish. i wanted to cry.

my roommate just told me that when i came into our room, i looked like death. oh my. i believe her, though, because i was and am pretty traumatized by my first day of class.

during my drive home, i've decided to quit one of my tutoring jobs and deactivate facebook. i'm not a facebook addict but i know i'll be sad when i see pictures of people having fun but i can't join them. so, apologies in advance if i don't wish you a facebook happy birthday. oh man, i'm already so sad just thinking about quitting on ellen... i really don't want to... :(

Dear Lord, is this what You really want me to do?

feeling good

1.1.10

what a beautiful, sunny day here in norcal. a great way to start a new year! i made my new year resolutions and although i predict that 2010 will be a strenuous year, i trust God that i'll always be joyful in Him. amen? AMEN! :)

so, here's to feeling good on the first day of a new year 2010!

Michael Buble- Feeling Good

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good