sad boy

i picked up my tutor kids from school today. whenever they enter the car, the girl always shares her weekly dosage of 8th grade gossip. while she gossips about her latest crush, or tells me which boy/girl is weird, her brother would make his presence known by singing really loudly or asking many random questions. it's a pretty noisy car ride home.

but today, the car ride was a bit too quiet. the girl shared her latest news but the boy was quiet and kept looking at his phone. i looked at him through the rearview mirror.

me: "hey, vincent?"
boy: "yea?"
me: "you're pretty quiet today."
boy: "yea."
girl: interrupted, "he's quiet because he doesn't like his new haircut."
boy: he turned to his sister and snapped, "no! i'm not quiet because of my haircut." a few seconds later, he whispered, "noah didn't come to school today." noah is his best friend.
me: "ah, i see." i couldn't help but smile. "did you try calling him?"
boy: "yea... he's not answering his phone."
me: "hmm, maybe he's sick."
girl: wanting to be in the conversation, she interrupted again, "yea, he was sick yesterday."
me: "ah, i see. i guess he's really sick today if he didn't come to school."
boy: "mm.." he was still looking at his phone.

cute kid. sad because his best friend didn't come to school today. hehe, for some strange reason, i find this kind of adorable :)

a bit open

not looking.
never ready.
nervous and undeserving.
but finally, a bit open.

bless·ed

James JDSN's sermon on "The Beatitudes" was soo good. and i can't believe of all the sundays, i forgot to bring my pen to take notes! but actually, i think it was a good thing that i forgot to bring my pen. too often i find myself busy jotting down notes and making sure that i have everything written down. but today, instead of focusing on my notebook, i was able to give my 100% attention to the sermon. and it felt so good.

Now when He saw the crowds, He went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and He began to teach them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. -- Matthew 5:1-12

James JDSN first asked, "who are the blessed?" the answer: the people of God. we, christians, are the people of God. but apart from God, we aren't any of the things that God has described in the above verses.

1.) poor in spirit--> we are sooo prideful. how can we be poor in spirit when we have so much pride.
2.) mourn--> i liked James JDSN's example on this. he said he'll read the news and feel sorry for all the tragedies and sufferings going on in this world. but right after, he'll go on facebook and forget about them. he doesn't mourn. we don't mourn.
3.) meek--> i am weak, for sure. but in the above verse, the word "meek" is referring to those who are weak and depend solely on God. too often, we as christians don't depend on Him at all but rather, depend on ourselves or other people.
4.) hunger and thirst for righteousness--> when was the last time you hungered and thirsted for God?
5.) merciful--> so many of us hold grudges against those around us rather than trying to love and be merciful towards them. anger, bitterness, hate. yep, we're really not merciful.
6.) pure in heart--> we're filthy sinners. enough said.
7.) peacemakers--> do we try to maintain peace with our brothers and sisters? no, not really. that's why churches break up, that's why we have problems with people, etc.
8.) persecuted because of righteousness--> have i ever been persecuted when evangelizing His Word? no, never. i've never been persecuted because i've never went out and evangelized. nor do i really talk about christianity with my non-christian friends. me = fail.

apart from God, we have NONE of these attributes. and yet, we ARE the people of God. James JDSN's second question was, "how, then, are we the people of God? how, then, are we blessed?" the answer: through Jesus! He is ALL of these things and because He died for us, these attributes have been given to us. thank you, Jesus.

and finally, "what does it mean to be blessed?" the answer: we're made holy. through Christ, we are sanctified and justified. and since we are blessed, we need to live out our lives knowing that we are blessed. and since we are the people of God -- those who are poor in spirit, mournful, meek, etc.-- we need to live out our lives as being poor in spirit, mournful, meek, etc.

WOW. my longest sermon notes ever :) happy sunday everyone!

enough

God is enough. He is all i need.
joy.comfort.trust. from Him alone.
i have nothing to fear. no one to fear.
no reason to hide. no reason to cry.
God is enough.
more than enough.

Chris Tomlin - Enough
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

You're my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
You're the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

wake up!

God gave me a huge wake up call this past week. i was disappointed/hurt/frustrated with several different people and i've been filled with so much hate that i became scared of who or what i was becoming. rather than seeking God for help, i turned to The Game/Kanye/Nas/Mase/T.I, etc. i shouldn't have turned to them, though. they made me feel even more disgusted with myself. i haven't been this hateful in so long, and i really didn't know how to handle it. by the end of the week, i broke down. i couldn't take it anymore and i didn't know what to do. all i kept thinking was how much i wanted to get out of here. how much i wanted to escape from my problems. it was pretty ugly. i was pretty ugly.

i knew i needed to, and desperately wanted to, rid myself of all this bitterness. so, at the start of this week, i replaced my rapper buddies with Avalon/Chris Tomlin/David Crowder/Hillsong, etc. i also needed a break from people so i went on strike with facebook and aim. but apart from all of these, i was still deeply hurting.

a couple of hours ago, a friend told me that i greatly value my friendships/relationships with people. in a way, that is my strength. on the other hand, it's also my weakness and a cause to my downfall. i care about these relationships so much to the point that i become blinded by them. i've been cherishing (idolizing?) humans more than i have with God, and i've been depending on friendships for joy rather than rejoicing in God. and even when i was hurting, i turned to people! i completely forsake God. this is probably why God gave me a wake up call. i bet He's really angry with me.

this has always been one of my many weaknesses. but it's only until now that my eyes have been opened to the wrongfulness of it all. i really do care too much about people. and that's why i get easily hurt by them. i have these hopes and expectations of them, and when they aren't able to fulfill their roles, i get hurt. i always get hurt. but i don't want to hurt anymore.

right now, i'm hesitant in trusting anyone. i'm so terrified of people, even those who claim to be my friends. people come and go. that is reality and it has always been this way. but it's only until now that i'm learning this scary but true concept.

Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?
Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." -- Matthew 22: 36-40

en(dis)couraging?

one of the instructors from my cpa review course said this in the recent lecture that i just watched,

"I wanna wish you guys good luck studying. Stay in, you have no friends, you have no family, I am your only family from here on in. Okay? And there's an inverse relationship between happiness and likeliness to pass the exam. The more miserable you are studying, the more prepared you're gonna be and the higher the likelihood you're gonna pass."

i have no friends. i have no family. i have no life. is this what i'm suppose to tell myself while i'm studying? haha, this sounds so sad.

don't hate

sometimes, it's hard to understand why things happen.
why we face struggles and challenges and hardships.
often times, i want to yell and swear and cry.
and blast angry rap music as an outlet.
but all the time, i want to learn on how to love.
how to genuinely love a person no matter how much s/he hurts me.

once again, my heart has become filthy with hate. but ironically, i'm also thankful that i'm being challenged. i'm not sure what God's purpose is in using the same person to hurt me over and over again. but perhaps He's teaching me on how to love those who hurt me. dang. that's a test i've failed one too many times.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love... If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother. -- 1 John 4:7-8, 20-21

a great week

wow, the first week of february is already almost over.

....

wait a minute. february?!! o_O woww... time really flies by very quickly.

anyways. this week has been really great :) last week, i had an off-week. i couldn't focus on my studies, and i felt kind of lonely and tired from spending my time everyday at the library. i was quite annoyed with mr. becker. it seemed like he didn't want to cooperate with me. or maybe, it was i who didn't want to cooperate with him. yea, it was probably me.

but God is good. He challenged me a lot last week. He gave me an off-week so that i can get my priorities straight. "Who's more important?" He asked. "Mr. Becker or me?" He also made me realize that i depend on people for joy and comfort more than i depend on Him. "Why do you feel lonely when you have me?" He rebuked me.

i think this is why i had an off-week. i'm not sure. but this week was a better week :) mr. becker was a lot more approachable, and actually, today was my first time having FUN studying with him. who knew learning about corporation tax can be quite interesting?! complex, yes. but interesting? haha, yes!

studying with friends. receiving unexpected calls from good buddies. spontaneously planning a valentine's day party with my roommate. finding a good pair of jeans. joyfully learning from mr. becker. and last but not least, knowing that God is the One who has provided all these wonderful things/people for me. this is what i call a great week :)