wake up!

God gave me a huge wake up call this past week. i was disappointed/hurt/frustrated with several different people and i've been filled with so much hate that i became scared of who or what i was becoming. rather than seeking God for help, i turned to The Game/Kanye/Nas/Mase/T.I, etc. i shouldn't have turned to them, though. they made me feel even more disgusted with myself. i haven't been this hateful in so long, and i really didn't know how to handle it. by the end of the week, i broke down. i couldn't take it anymore and i didn't know what to do. all i kept thinking was how much i wanted to get out of here. how much i wanted to escape from my problems. it was pretty ugly. i was pretty ugly.

i knew i needed to, and desperately wanted to, rid myself of all this bitterness. so, at the start of this week, i replaced my rapper buddies with Avalon/Chris Tomlin/David Crowder/Hillsong, etc. i also needed a break from people so i went on strike with facebook and aim. but apart from all of these, i was still deeply hurting.

a couple of hours ago, a friend told me that i greatly value my friendships/relationships with people. in a way, that is my strength. on the other hand, it's also my weakness and a cause to my downfall. i care about these relationships so much to the point that i become blinded by them. i've been cherishing (idolizing?) humans more than i have with God, and i've been depending on friendships for joy rather than rejoicing in God. and even when i was hurting, i turned to people! i completely forsake God. this is probably why God gave me a wake up call. i bet He's really angry with me.

this has always been one of my many weaknesses. but it's only until now that my eyes have been opened to the wrongfulness of it all. i really do care too much about people. and that's why i get easily hurt by them. i have these hopes and expectations of them, and when they aren't able to fulfill their roles, i get hurt. i always get hurt. but i don't want to hurt anymore.

right now, i'm hesitant in trusting anyone. i'm so terrified of people, even those who claim to be my friends. people come and go. that is reality and it has always been this way. but it's only until now that i'm learning this scary but true concept.

Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?
Jesus replied, "'Love the Lord with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." -- Matthew 22: 36-40