struggling

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. -- Ephesians 4:22-24

after accepting Christ back in '05, i saw myself change from a very angry and pessimistic girl to a more merry and confident woman. but one thing that hasn't changed are my sins. i thought that after being saved, i would be better at not sinning. quite the contrary, however. i struggled with my sins every day, and i still do. no matter how hard i try "to put on the new self" and to live my life for God, i still can't seem to escape from my depravity. how did Jesus do it? during His time on earth, He never ever sinned. even when satan tempted Him multiple times, He never caved. i wonder if, during that time, He ever struggled internally. i'm thinking that He didn't because He's Jesus. 100% God. but then again, He was also 100% Man. hmm... anyway.

thank You, Father, for Your grace and Your mercy to accept this lowly child who is in a constant battle with her sins.

a prayer from Paul

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

-- Ephesians 3:14-19

language barrier

it's hard to have a serious conversation with someone when there's a language barrier. i wish i was more fluent in korean. or if the other could be more fluent in english. i wish, i wish... but at least i tried. my first baby step. taha. i kind of want to find a korean conversationalist. my korean is quite poor :( darn.

on a side note, i really like this song by a guy named J.R.A. the lyrics are cute and the acoustic is lighthearted. check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saLxLiLChH8&feature=related

grapes!

i just read a blog entry written by a woman who is currently pregnant with her first child. i couldn't stop laughing at some of her pregnancy stories, haha! the stories are so funny... except... she may not think it's funny... but i'm sure she'll have a good laugh at them after she gives birth, hehe.

one of her stories was about how she was craving a big mac from mcd's. she bought a big mac for herself and a mc rib for her husband, and she brought it home. the husband took the big mac (knowing that his wife wanted it) and jokingly said that he wanted to eat it. she thought the world had ended and started crying hysterically. the poor guy... he told her that he was only joking and he handed her the big mac. but she cried even harder because she felt bad for making him eat the mc rib, thinking that he didn't want to eat the mc rib. after about ten minutes, she was finally convinced that he was only joking and that he really did want to eat the mc rib and not her big mac.

hahahaha awww... :) i don't know why but this story makes me smile... and i'm still smiling as i'm paraphrasing the story... hehehee~

i'm so amazed by how a pregnancy can affect a person in every way possible. this little tiny creature inside one's body can control her physical and emotional state. wow. amazing.

i asked my mom what she craved when she was pregnant with me. she said she craved grapes. grapes?! haha, of all foods and fruits, grapes!

facebook

my mom has been begging me to make her a facebook. she's been wanting one ever since her co-workers have been showing off theirs to her. haha, they're so funny. anyway, i finally made her one last night. it was like giving candy to a child; she had a very big smile on her face and her eyes lit up. haha, she's cute. my dad tried to act cool, as if he didn't care. but i could tell curiosity was creeping up on him; he kept glancing over my mom's shoulder as she was using her facebook. hahaha~ perhaps i should make him one, too? hmm.

facebook. it got me thinking... will facebook ever die out? in 10 years, will facebook still be the #1 social network? i wonder... if i have children, will they be using facebook as well? that would be so crazy.

norcal

when i entered college, one of the first questions i was asked was, "where are you from?" that's when i learned that there was a "pride battle" between norcalers and socalers. at first, i didn't understand what the big deal was; personally, i thought it was silly. i mean, c'mon. we're all from the same state! (it's like the whole "azn pride" thing back in middle/high school -.- lame). but slowly, i began to see a difference between norcal and socal. i can't fully explain this difference nor can i comprehend it... but i feel it.

i am a norcal girl. and i'm proud of it. it's my home. it's where i grew up. being back here, life just seems more real.

love

1 Corinthians 13

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

epiphany #3

i really welcome and value these yearly epiphanies. especially this new one.

there are 3 things that i want to become and one of them is to be a better and loving daughter. honestly, i treat my friends way better than my parents. not on purpose, of course. but it's just so much easier to express love and gratitude to friends. i don't know how to express these sentiments to my parents, and it might be because they've never known how to express them to me, either (i hold the korean culture responsible for this lack of endearment). either way, phone calls, hugs and the "L" word do not go hand-in-hand for my family. and so, i often pray to God to help me grow into an appreciative daughter who would be able to show affection to her parents.

in His timely manner, God has presented me with a trial that will put my words into action. and now i finally see that, through this ordeal, He is answering my prayer. all this time, i have been sulking and moping, crying and complaining about a broken family. but what i didn't see was the bigger picture in all of this -- that the ONE thing my parents need is love. and i am their only hope.

this whole time, i've been blaming the wrong person for this mess of a family i have. this whole time, it was I who was in the wrong. i selfishly avoided my mom's plea for help; i showed no remote signs of love to a father who so desperately needed it. i was a self-centered little girl who didn't know how to show love to the people who needed it the most. how insensitive i have been!

this painful affliction that has been cast upon my family for years is actually a hidden blessing from God. it is His way of teaching me on how to be that "better and loving daughter" that i've been praying to become. now, after having this epiphany, am i ready to put forth action to my words? hell no. i'm deathly afraid to talk to my old man. and i still don't know how to give comfort to my mom. but after 23 years of being on the sideline, i can't bare to watch all of us suffer anymore. i now see how important LOVE is and that the people who need to be shown love first should be one's family.

i'm going back home this upcoming week to spend some time with mom n pops. i'm not sure how things will be... but i'm hoping that taking this first step will lead to something good and bright in the future.

how would it feel?

-- to pray together as a family

-- to eat and laugh and talk at the dinner table with the family

-- to have just one day where everyone is really, really joyful

-- to not worry about coming home and seeing if something bad happened

-- to spend money without worrying if you'd ever run out of it

-- to be in love with someone and to always be in love with that one person

-- to have a sibling

-- to know what you want to do in life

-- to have a cheery mom who enjoys living

-- to have a hard-working, not-so-angry, not-so-violent, not-so-hateful, dad

i wonder how it feels to have all these things...

don't take things for granted.

appreciate the simple things in life.

marriage

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church -- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become on flesh." This is a profound mystery -- but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

-- Ephesians 5:22-33

hw assignment

i'm back in sd. and my psychotic roommate is sitting next to me on my bed, staring right at me as i type my first blog entry for the year 2011. she's so crazy and creepy! i think she missed "wrestling" with me, attacking me at nights, sitting on me, and messing around with my pooh bears. heh heh, whoever her future boyfriend/husband will be, he will never be bored with her. haha! anyways...

i saw my tutor kids today and one of the homework assignments i had given them during winter break was to write a short paragraph on what christmas means to them. this is what the boy had written:

"Christmas is the time of giving and getting presents. It is the time of year when you worship God the most for the food and presents. You get together with your friends and family. You get a Christmas tree, decorate it, and make your kids believe in Santa while the adult or you sneak the presents under the Christmas tree."

haha, i chuckled at the last part. but i was pleasantly surprised when he mentioned God. his family doesn't go to church and i'm pretty sure none of his family members believe in God, either. hmm. anyways. cool :)