dear dad

dear dad,

you are so consumed in your anger and hatred for others that you have dug yourself into a very deep and bottomless hole, and i'm afraid you will possibly never come out of it. it's actually very saddening and upsetting that you have completely lost your way in this dark abyss and have no desire to seek the the warm light that is at the top of this hole. if you could just climb upwards a little bit, and inch your way towards the top, you could finally see that life is not meant to be ugly and miserable, but that life CAN actually be quite benevolent and delightful. if only you weren't so blinded by your stubbornness, if only you could stop self-attacking yourself and blaming others for your fall, if only you could forgive those who have hurt you in the past (and i mean in the wayyy past), and if only you could just, for once, lower your pride and humble yourself before others... if only you could do all these things, then maybe you can finally breathe and be free of all negativity and bitterness.

all i can do, dear dad, is to pray for you, and to pray that you will someday be liberated from the chains of fury. i pray that your blackened, hardened, and scarred heart will be blanketed with a peaceful, softened, and renewed heart that will sing with a beautiful melody as opposed to the cacophonous noises that it currently pounds. and i pray, from the bottom of my heart, that the demons inside of you will not win and overtake you, but that the Holy Spirit will come into your life and defeat these hellish creatures who have possessed your soul for so many years. but, my dear dad, it is up to you to make a choice: to live with your filthy hatred until your dying day, or to be freed from your captivity and live in harmony, as hard as it may be to do. i pray that you will make a wise decision and the right decision because it will not only affect you, but it will affect me and mom. for although you ferociously argue that your hatred for others does not apply to us, it actually does hurt us very much and leaves us to tears many, many times. you do not know how much sorrow and pain you have caused us, and how much heartache you still continue to bring upon us. it isn't fair, dear dad, but then again, the purpose of this letter is not to say what is and is not fair. nor is the purpose of this letter to seek an apology or sympathy from you. no. the purpose of this letter is to express my deepest wishes and prayers for you.

may you please open your heart, even just a tiny crack, to allow my God inside of you, to heal you and to save you from drowning further into the hands of the evil one. this is my ultimate prayer for you.

your one and only daughter,
me

a square

a buddy whom i know likes to call me a square. to him, my full name is: a square church girl. when we first became acquainted, he labeled me as a square. to this day, i still refuse to accept this label and i demand to be called a circle or a star. but a square? oh, please.

an irony has recently come into play. this buddy who said he would never need me for dating advice (because, in his words, he "has game") has come crawling to me, the so-called square, for advice. the reason? because for the first time in his life, he has found an interest in a girl who is also a square. and he has no idea what to do or not do with a square.

he told me what his normal routine consists of with a girl he finds an interest in, but his normal "routine" has been shot down by this square girl and he is mystified: "i have no idea what is going on! and what i'm suppose to do!" hahaha, he's finally realized he can't get the ladies as easily as he thought.

although i laugh at his situation and secretly enjoy that for once he's fallen so clueless, i can't help but reflect on the past guys who i've had to deal with. they were like my buddy, too. for the first time in their lives, they were chasing after a square. to these type of guys, chasing a square may seem to be appealing at first. but soon they realize that a square requires a lot of patience and respect. my buddy has yet to learn this, and though he says that he wants to end up with a square, i'm not all too sure that he'll have the patience to date a square. not right now, anyway, but hopefully someday.

as much as i find my buddy's situation very entertaining, i'm also very thankful for this amusement and learning experience. my buddy has shown me a guy's perspective and thoughts, and i feel like i can now stop blaming guys for being curious about a square. i mean, one can't help but be curious of a square or any other type of girls. but the question is, do they have the patience to be committed to a square?

... shrug.

a prayer list

this summer has its ups and downs..
and this summer has shown me that i have many things to pray for..
so i'm going to make a list.. starting now..

-- parents' salvation and health
-- uncles' financial woes
-- those who may be, but are most likely, in cults
-- dt girl's prayer requests
-- roommate
-- a sister's cancer surgery
-- the china/korea mission team, along with others who are going on missions this summer
-- the courage to not run away but to face "them." i've never been so scared to face anyone before..
-- gmats. grad apps. grad schools. future.

my heart is very heavy right now, and i can't even imagine how certain people who are going through such difficulties can stand so tall and strong. i admire these individuals most greatly.

a hug

i came across this picture on a friend's tumblr. i thought it was really cute and so, i'm posting it on my blog :)

vbs & momma's visit

life has been a crazy blur but two things stand out very clearly during the last weeks of june: vbs and momma's visit to sd.

first, vbs (vacation bible school). during my 7 years at hope, it was my first time volunteering for vbs. despite my resistance and multiple, elongated no's, my mama bear forced me to sign-up as a crew leader for the kids. i didn't mind helping out with decorations and the behind-the-scenes stuff, but i reeaallyyy didn't want to lead a group of kids; i didn't know how to and i didn't know what to do. not only was it my first time partaking in vbs, but it was also my first time committing myself to a huge church event with brothers and sisters whom i didn't know at all. basically, i was scared. but for no real, concrete reasons.

but during the week of vbs, i was incredibly blessed by the kids and the vbs itself. my dear sister, e.oh, and i co-led a group of six 4th graders (incoming 5th graders); she led, i followed, hehe. we also had tons of help from a t.a and a married woman, and thank goodness they were in our group because we needed the help very much, haha. vbs was really fun and our kids knew the message of the gospel. i hope and pray that as they grow, their love and passion for God will remain with them. in general, i'm very thankful for my mama bear's push towards vbs; i absolutely needed it. here's a picture :) (minus the t.a)

a few days after vbs, my momma visited sd for a couple of days. it was our first time spending so much time together... i think the longest we've spent with each other was only a couple of hours and that was usually when i would follow her while she was doing errands. anyway, while she was here, she gave me "advice" (more like lectures) about boys, dating, and marriage. of course, i anticipated this since it's nothing new with good ol' momma. but aside from this, i learned a lot about her and she, too, began to see a different side of me. her image of me has always been a critical and not-so-pleasant one, and so, it felt very nice to hear her positive feedback on my improved, older self.

on one of the days, we visited an aunt from my dad's side of the family in LA who i haven't seen since i was eight years old. the drive to LA (k-town) was horrendous, ohmygosh, but it was definitely worth it to see her. i'm not sure when momma and i will ever get to see her again without pops knowing about it but i'm praying that one day, someday, my pops' grudge against his family will eventually subside. meh. anyways. on another day, i took her to the tourist sites and eateries of sd, but the most fun part of the trip was when we went to seaworld. it was our first time. i love seaworld! i love sea animals; i think they're so interesting. during a brief phase in my life, i wanted to be a marine biologist just so that i can see sea animals up close. but this dream was crushed when i learned that my brain couldn't grasp the concept of science whatsoever :( anyway, momma and i had a blast at seaworld :) i don't think i can ever get sick of it. here's me and momma with the pink flamingos.

june has gone and july has come. this month will be a tough month for sure. so much to do and i don't know where to start. but... it'll be a good month :)