earlier, i had thought that it was God who was on vacation, needing some time away from me...
boy, was i so wrong. it was me all along. it was me (i?) who was drifting away from Him... i didn't even know i was subconsciously doing this. for all i knew, i thought i was faithfully strong in Him. i thought everything was good. but i was gravely mistaken...
it's so true that when you're not doing so well in your spiritual walk, your conduct and your attitude prove it. these past days, i've been losing my patience with certain people very easily. but i didn't care. my mentality was, "screw it. why should i pretend to be a sweet-and-kind girl to these cocky, sexist, and annoying people? whatever." my conduct wasn't any better, either. i found myself adding a few swear words into my daily speech... i found myself skipping church 3 weeks in a row (the first 2 i have a legit reason, however)... i also found myself be more willing to take shots (4 nights in a row), even though i hate drinking. basically, i was having fun living the secular life and not minding that i was acting like a careless beezy. i wasn't living my life as a christian, and even though i knew that, i didn't care. i wanted to have fun. forget everything. be free. enjoy my youth. i didn't want to be a "good girl" anymore.
but after a convicting sermon by James JDSN on sunday, and after receiving an unexpected call by a friend who noticed that something was off with me, i realized how messed up and unloving i've become. we need the Holy Spirit in us every freakin' second because we're so prone to sin. we're so weak. and when we think we're doing so well with God, we have to be even more alert and strong in Him because that's when satan attacks!
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! -- 1 Corinthians 10:12
mm~ i hope i'll get back on my feet soon. i don't like the shanksta in me. she's kind of a jerk and full of sass :P
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