wuss

one of my greatest weaknesses is that i fear man. and too often, i find myself fear man more than i fear God. i am so cautious of what i say or how i act around people because i don't want them to view me negatively. sometimes i wonder if i'm being fake or if i'm being real. i don't really know. i wish i were more of a risk-taker than a risk-averse person. then, i wouldn't find myself on a friday night wondering if i should call up a friend and see how they're doing. and yet, here i am, still wondering if i should call them up, or just let the hours pass by and it'll be too late to call. and my excuse for not calling would not be because i was afraid to call (i'm afraid if i call, the friend might think i'm annoying or needy. or the friend might be busy and i don't want to be the one to bother them), but because it was just too late to call. frankly speaking, i'm a wuss.

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose words I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? -- Psalms 56:3-4

... well, it's 11:16pm right now. it's too late to call, haha...-_-;;

tears of heaven

i usually don't like the rainy weather, mainly because my shoes and pants get drenched, but also because people are forced to drive at 35mph on the freeway and there are a lot more car accidents on a rainy day.

but today, i enjoyed the rain. it rained so hard and the winds were so strong as well. it surprises me at times that the season is still winter. i'm so forgetful of this since san diego is usually sunny, no matter what month it is.

mm, rain. when i was younger, i used to think that rain was the tears of God. whenever it rained really hard, i believed that God was really upset about something. i remember a day when it rained so much that my mom and i were stuck on the freeway for hours. the weather was so scary and i was really terrified. so i looked up through my foggy window and secretly asked God to stop crying so that my mom and i could go home safely. i also remember reasoning with God that if He stopped crying, then i'd be a good girl.

well, later on, i found out that rain is not the cries of God. silly me. but you know what? even though God doesn't physically cry, He does cry out when we sin. our sins hurt Him so much. everytime we sin, we're stabbing Him with a knife, taking it out, and stabbing Him again and again and again. i hate that. don't you? i hate sin. i hate what it does to me and i hate what it does to Him. but the crazy thing of all is, no matter how much we hurt Him with our evil ways, He still forgives us when we genuinely ask for forgiveness. crazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKrVDSY7ick&feature=related

Hillsong- All for Love
All for love a Father gave
For only love could make a way
All for love heavens cried
For love was crucified

Oh how many times have I broken Your heart
But still You forgive
If only I ask
And how many times have You heard me pray
Draw near to me

Everything I need is You
My beginning, my forever
Everything I need is You

Let me sing all for love
I will join the angel song
Ever holy is the Lord
King of Glory
King of all

All for love a Savior prayed
Abba Father have Your way
Though they know not what they do
Let the Cross draw man to you

sonnet 43

while taking a break from studying at my second home, the library, i perused through the non-fiction aisle and i came across this old, battered book titled "365 love poems." i was never really a huge fan of poems, mainly because my brain couldn't seem to figure out the hidden meanings behind these complex but cleverly written compositions. but i figured that it wouldn't be too bad to read these poems since i already knew what they were about -- love! as i flipped through the yellowish pages with its distinctive musty smell hitting my senses, this one particular poem impressed me immensely. i remember reading this poem in my english class back in my good ole' high school days. but back then, i could care less about my english class (and love) so i didn't put too much effort into the readings (english was never a strong subject for me, can't you tell? i don't even bother to capitalize letters when i have to, haha).

anyway, reading this poem again, but with a more open-minded and mature outlook on love and literary pieces, i was quite dazed. i've fallen in love with this poem and so i googled it to get a better insight on it. this one particular website gave me this analysis, which made me fall in love with the poem even more: "'Sonnet 43' expresses the poet's intense love for her husband-to-be, Robert Browning. So intense is her love for him, she says, that it rises to the spiritual level (lines 3&4). She loves him freely, without coercion; she loves him purely, without expectation of personal gain. She even loves him with an intensity of the suffering (passion: line 9) resembling that of Christ on the cross, and she loves him in the way that she loved saints as a child. Moreover, she expects to continue to love him after death."

mm~ what a beautiful poem written so eloquently and so sweetly about the most profound and passionate emotion in the world. love :)

Sonnet 43
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,-- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!-- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1850)