babies

i went home this past weekend and once again, my mom nagged me about dating and what not. silly mother. she nags me more about my "love life" than my future career, haha. since all of my older cousins are still unmarried, my mom is worried that i wont marry, too, only because she wants to be a grandma. haha. the way i see it, my parents are at fault. if they want to be grandparents so badly, then they should've had more children. having just one child decreases their chances. but i can see why my parents want to have grandkids. there's something about babies that makes you want one :)

Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. -- 1 Peter 2:2-3

a messy life

my life is a mess. it's so unorganized that i don't know how to clean it up or where to even begin. quite frankly, i just don't want to think about it. concerns and worries are scattered in every part of my brain while additional problems continue to arise. sigh.

spending time at home last week with my family and friends was absolutely wonderful. i think it was the best week of my summer thus far. i chilled back and relaxed and got a breath of fresh air. it was a great escape from my chaotic life in sd, but unfortunately, all escapes must come to an end. ever since i grudgingly came back to sd this past monday, i've been pretty lonely and miserable. coming to an empty apartment made me feel even more alone. all i can think about is home and how much i miss it. never have i felt so much sadness being in sd. i love sd, don't get me wrong. but coming back here meant that i had to face reality once again. home was a temporal escape from my dilemmas, responsibilities, memories, and even people. but now that i'm here, it's back to square one -- having so many questions but never knowing the answer; facing challenges but never finding the solution.

a friend recently said that she feels like she's in a dark cave without a flashlight or a map. i can definitely relate. i wish i knew what i was doing, or how to handle these troublesome situations. i hate having everything be so up in the air. life is hard. but i wonder if it's naturally hard or am i just making it hard? hrm...

my life is in jumbles. untidy and unkempt. i wish i can grab a broom and sweep away the mess.

convoluted thoughts

feelin a bit glum. writin in this blog to try to become. less distraught. with all these convoluted thoughts. maybe rhymin would ease my mind. makin words intertwine. sigh. dunno where i'm goin with this. ramblings and babblings. i'm in an incoherent, imperfect abyss. decisions to make. about church n friends n whatever else i partake. one thing's for sure. through my anxieties, my hunger for Him is still so sweet n so pure. i was showered by His grace last week. got into an accident on my way to bible study but no need to freak. funny thing is, just a few hours before, i had asked God for a punishment like this. "Punish me, O Lord, for my biggest, most difficult sin. One that i struggle with n just can't seem to win." God punished but He also provided. the other driver -- bless his soul, his heart, i hope he's saved. he let me off the hook, then sped away n waved. "Are you ok?" was the only thing he asked. not just once or twice, but three times. isn't he so nice? the song that was playin in my car durin the accident was "Your Grace is Enough." how ironic yet oh, so beautiful. guess what the sermon at bible study was about? GRACE. grace that i do not deserve. you and i, we need to observe. God's love n His power. every day, in every hour.

lots of things to think about. goodness, my head hurts beyond a doubt. but here's a verse i must remember. came across this on the first day of september. freestyle is adjourned for now. goodbye as i sign off with a bow.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. -- Philippians 4:6-7