the gas station

there's a gas station i regularly go to and unlike most people, i like to pay in cash rather than with a card. but at the same time, i'm shy with strangers, so when i pay for something, i try to avoid eye contact. i wouldn't say i'm socially awkward but i do tend to get a teensy bit nervous around non-asians. especially non-asian men.

last night, i went to the gas station. i decided that this time, i'll walk up to the cashier, muster up my courage, hand him my money with my head help up high, and make eye contact. i had my own cheerleader cheering me on, You can do this! You can overcome your public speaking with strangers! Hwaiting! i boldly stepped inside the store, and the same black man who always works there was working there.

me: with a friendly voice and my head held up high, i hand him a $40 and said, "$30 on 8."
man: he looks at me, surprised to see that my head is no longer looking down at the floor (i'm sure he remembers this little asian girl who always mumbled to him and looked away from him.) "$30..on..8? 8, you said?"
me: "yea, 8." i smile.
man: he is now staring at me. (i start to become nervous again and wonder if my sudden confidence will crumble away in a few milliseconds. but no, my personal cheerleader tells myself, Hang in there! You're doing great! Don't be shy!) the man finally, and slowly, hands me my change and i let out a breath of relief.
me: "thank you!" i'm about to walk away from the counter, happy that i was successful at my attempt of being brave with a stranger... but...

man: "hey, so... you're wearin' a ucsd sweater. you in school? what's your major?" and etc, etc. surprisingly, i become more relaxed and i answer his questions with kindness. inside, i'm congratulating myself that i'm now conversing with a complete stranger, and it is no other than a black man. Sweet!! i'm pretty sure i can talk to all strangers now without being nervous. Way to go!

as he continues the small talk, i decide that this conversation should come to an end. i was proud of myself for even just making eye contact with a stranger but i really didn't need to stay and chat. that's too much for me. i mean, i JUST learned how to make eye contact. i learn through baby steps. one step at a time!! haha.

me: "ok. well, i'm gonna go..."
man: "you single?"
me: ".... what?" i'm completely thrown off by this question.
man: "you single?"
me: "..yea.. (insert nervous laughter).... mmk, i'm gonna go.." by now, i'm only three steps away from the door.
man: "do you date black guys? hey, i have to ask."
me: "haha (nervous laughter).. i'm.. not.. umm.. (Think, selena! Think!) i'm not looking for anyone right now."
man: "ah, you ain't lookin' for anyone. haha, aiite then. that's coo." and just my luck, his black friend comes inside the store so the man's attention is now diverted to his friend. and as for me, i bolted out the door.

i learned a lot from this gas station. i learned that i CAN talk to strangers. but i also learned that if you're friendly to a guy, he might think you're interested in him. ughhh -_-;; mann.. i wonder if he thought i was racist. dangit. now i need to find a new gas station! argh.