believe

as kids, we often hear from our parents or teachers or mentors that they believe in us, or that we need to believe in ourselves. "Anything is possible if you just believe." ever heard this before?

but as grown-ups, we rarely hear this positive encouragement (fabricated lie?) anymore. maybe it's because we're older and we're suppose to know what we're doing? or maybe it's because as we grow older, we become subjected to reality and see that not everything is possible.

i don't know if what i'm doing is what i'm suppose to be doing. am i wasting my time right now?

i don't know how much time will pass before i accomplish what i'm doing or what i'm suppose to be doing. when will i know what i'm called to do? and how long will it take?

i don't know if i'm capable of doing what i'm doing or what i'm suppose to be doing. am i smart enough? diligent enough? wise enough?

i'm so unsure of everything and super doubtful of myself. i feel like a failure.

so i need to believe.

believe that i CAN do it, whatever "it" may be.

believe that no matter what i'm doing or what i'm suppose to be doing, i'm doing it for the right reasons and simultaneously, for the glory of His kingdom.

believe that what i'm presently doing is a part of God's bigger plan for me.

believe and be confident in the Lord.

happy

it was her birthday celebration today.

all around the table, everyone was full of laughs, full of smiles.

she seemed so happy; she knows that she is loved.

it made me really happy

to see her so happy.

___________________

in the midst of his friends,

he was hugging her so tightly.

despite their significant height difference,

he didn't mind bending a little

just to hug her.. and keep her in his arms...

not wanting to let go.

he was smiling the whole time.

knowing that he loved her so much.

it made me really happy

to see him so happy.

___________________

he tells everyone how blessed he is to have her,

and all the good things about her,

and how much he's changed because of her.

she tells everyone how lucky she is to have him,

and all the wonderful things about him,

and how much she's grown because of him.

"do you love him?" i asked.

she adamantly nodded her head and said,

"yes. i really love him."

"what is love to you?" i asked.

"my love is not the love defined by people but it's the love defined by God."

her reply... inspired me a lot.

and reminded me why it's so important

to know God's love,

and to be able to share that with a significant other.

it made me really happy

to witness a healthy, God-glorifying relationship.

__________________

... just checked my email a few seconds ago.

my pastor sent a mass email out,

saying that our church will be taking up an offering for japan.

i was hoping that this email would come...

and it finally did.

makes me happy :)

__________________

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

-- Psalm 16:11

all-nighter and nosebleed

when i was a baby, i used to get sporadic spurts of nosebleeds. i bet i freaked my mom out a lot. can you imagine seeing a tiny baby happily lying on her back and then suddenly, a stream of blood comes out of her little nose? ick.

as a kid, i still got frequent nosebleeds and i never failed to get one whenever i went camping. i always got angsty on the drive to the campsite because i always anticipated a bloody nose; i even kept a bunch of napkins in my pockets just to be ready. i was especially nervous about my 6th grade camp -- a week of torture! i was afraid that my nose would bleed every day. thankfully, it only happened once but it cost me an adventurous hike with my fellow 6th graders :( my principal was kind enough to spend the afternoon with me; he even bought me strawberry ice cream on a sugar cone! sweeet.

as i grew older, i noticed that my age and my nosebleeds had now begun to share an inverse relationship. and i haven't had one since.... well, it's been a realllyyy long time. but this week, i've been studying pretty crazily and staying up really late. just last night, i pulled an all-nighter until 6am and when i came home, i went to bed and was met by my old "friend." i was so shocked. i literally looked like this --> o.O but in a very odd way, i welcomed my nosebleed because... it just shows how hard i'm studying and that i truly am giving my all.

i just hope it will be worth it in the end.

prayer

yesterday, God rebuked me through a brother who's 3yrs my junior. here i was, talking about the turmoil in japan and then, BAM. he unintentionally guilt-tripped me. what about the ongoing sufferings in the middle east? the agonizing miseries in north korea? the poverty and hunger-stricken in africa? etc, etc. basically, the world!! have i always been this ignorant of life outside of my own?

..yes.

and i realized... it's not even just about the nations that are crying out for help but that EVERY ONE PERSON is fighting his/her own battle(s). at retreat, my small group shared some of their anxieties and hardships that they're going through. as each person opened up, i became sorrowful and troubled. why, oh, why does life have to be this difficult? and why does life have to hurt so much?

there's not much that i can do to help specific people, let alone the world. but from retreat, i learned that there's one thing that i CAN do and this one thing is the most important thing that i'm called to do and that is to pray. the night before Jesus' crucifixion, He was found at the garden of Gethsemane, praying to His Father to let His will be done (Matthew 26:39-43). in His last hours of His life, He got to His knees and prayed.

as a follower of Christ, i want to make prayer an essential part of my life. i've been so inconsistent with it that i'm so ashamed of myself when i call myself a Christian. but by the grace of God, my eyes have been opened to how crucial prayer is. and really, praying is THE way to help anyone.

with that said, i'm going to.... start going to saturday morning prayer (please keep me accountable). i've been saying this for awhile now but i have yet to actually do it. 8am. oh me, oh my. but, i really need to do this. i really want to do this. not just for my own spiritual walk but to pray for everyone and every nation around me. i may only be one person but thankfully, God hears everyONE's prayers :)

japan

retreat was soo good. it was a huge blessing. it really was.

coming back from retreat, though, i was (and still am) overwhelmed by the devastating news of japan.

so.. as much as i'd like to share about retreat, i think it'd be selfish of me to write a post about myself rather than lifting up a prayer to those in japan.

here's a footage of japan's tsunami that occurred on friday: https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1605260179420

8.9 earthquake. a nuclear plant explosion and other nuclear plants seen as threat. millions of people facing a fourth night without water, electricity, food, or heat in near-freezing temperatures. dead bodies washing up on shore. death toll rising.

being in california, i can't even imagine what this tragedy is like. sigh. my heart is so heavy right now...

dear God, thank You for are always being so merciful and so good. although this world is so full of sin and evil, i pray that You will show compassion to japan and its people and bring them safely out of this painful tragedy. amen.

God, You're hilarious

has this ever happened to you? when you think of a worst case scenario.. and you think that it would be "really funny" if God makes the worst case scenario happen?

this ALWAYS happens to me. it's ridiculous. i know it's God's way of humbling me but MAN. really, God? really??

i'm going to our church's first young adult retreat this weekend. i had a few qualms about going... i pictured 3 worst case scenarios. all 3 of them came true. one by one, day after day. today was the day that THE worst case scenario came true. haha, wow. God, You're unbelievably annoying. but i know that i need to be humbled immensely. so, thank You for your weird and twisted sense of humor.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. -- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

i want to sleep!

at 8pm, i ordered the assam golden tip tea from peet's coffee. i thought to myself, "ooh~ golden tip. that sounds kinda fancy. let's try it!" what a big mistake.

the tea is so strong and rich and way too bitter for my taste. i added about 3 tablespoons of honey and it did nothing. i drank 1/4 of my cup and wah-lah! it's past 6am and i have yet to fall asleep. wow, forget the 5-hr energy drink, red bull, and coffee. this tea has lasted me 10 hrs. the funny thing is, i wanted to sleep early tonight and i even climbed into bed a little past midnight. major fail! i've pulled an all-nighter without meaning to. but at least i was able to catch up on emails, see the sunrise, and watch my roommate wake up and get ready for work. and maybe i'll potentially write a blog entry that has some purpose to it, despite what i've written thus far. haha. i'll try.

lately, i've been seeing an ugly side of myself. i really hate to admit this but i have an undesirable need to be accepted by people and i find myself trying to please people. ugh, why? seeing how i'm an only child, i foolishly thought i was so independent and that i was perfectly fine being on my own and doing my own thing. but more and more, God has been showing me that i'm actually very weak and that i care way too much about what others think of me. it got to a certain point where i started thinking that i don't have any friends (how ironic considering that my previous entry was about how i miss people). but earlier tonight (actually, if you want to be more precise, it was last night since it's 6:30am right now), i was reminded that all i need is God and He's the only one i need to please and whom i should want to please. and actually, He's already pleased with me even though i haven't done anything to deserve His acceptance. what have i done, really? nothing!! and yet, He still loves me and still accepts me for who i am. sometimes, i think God is way too nice.

i know i don't get along with everyone. and i know it's impossible to be friends with everyone. but it still drives me crazy when i see my close friends becoming good friends with someone who i know will never want to be my friend. i'm not jealous or angry at these select few, but i do wonder if there's something wrong with me or what i can change about myself to be accepted by them. it's so stupid, really, and i feel like i'm in middle school all over again.

ah. i need to grow up and learn from apostle Paul. he knows what's up:

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings , or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. -- Galatians 1:10

it's 7:03 now and i am still WIDE-awake. but on the bright side, i see that today is going to be a beautiful and sunny day! and also, it's quite nice to see my aptmates this early in the morning :)

ridic.

i seriously miss a lot of people right now.

what is thisssss!!!~

i mean, sure i always miss them...

but not like this...

i miss those who are in sd. who are not in sd. who are in the bay. who are out of state, out of the country. who i've lost touch with. who i keep in touch with.

what.the.heck.

haha

ridiculous.

in His hands

"Instead of looking for the 'right' girl at the 'right' time, God told me be the 'right' boy at the 'right' time for the Girl that He will send."

to not be in search for the "right" one but to prepare ourselves to be the right one and submit the search into His hands. mm :)

love language

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QyB_U9vn6Wk&feature=related

"you're still beautiful" :)

(i have a crush on the guy, haha)

so i decided...

i decided that... i really want to work at a firm. and i cannot wait until the day that i have to suit up and crunch numbers. i'm looking forward to this day :) i hope. i pray. that it will happen.

i also decided that... my goal will not be about me. for however long i live, and for however long she lives, everything i do will be for her. because she deserves it.

finally, i decided that... when i'm ready and when the time is right, i'm going to tell the truth.

murder

last night, i had the most terrifying dream of my life. it was so vivid and gory. blood was splattered everywhere. people were panicking and running for their lives but one by one, i watched them get shot or blown up. oh my gosh. i remember feeling scared and anxious, wondering when i'd get shot, too.

but...

i think i was the murderer. i was the last person alive. i wasn't hurt but i was bloody. but i remember it wasn't my blood. it was everyone else's blood all over my hands.

and that's when i woke up.

what does this mean?!

according to dream moods dictionary:

"To dream that you have committed a murder, indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and a former way of thinking. This could also refer to an end to an addiction. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at someone. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.

To dream that you witness a murder, indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate."

there is something i would like to put an end to and i was thinking about this before i had gone to sleep. it crosses my mind everyday and i've thought about it for awhile now, but it's not something i could easily put an end to. but wow, i didn't think it troubled me this much... sigh.

how do you end a friendship when the other person has done nothing wrong at all but is merely becoming a closer friend to you?

what a mess.