commitment

i always feel so refreshed and joyful after my meetups with samoneem. i feel really silly at times when i share some of my thoughts because i sound very childlike but she is always so understanding, so patient, and so accepting of me. she's so great, really. and funny, too! i never thought i'd ever have this type of relationship with an older woman but she's made it pretty comfortable for me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.

one thing that i'm learning about myself is that i'm terrified of commitment. i never thought i was so scared but i actually tremble at the thought of being committed to something or someone. and even more so, i'm scared of being 100% committed to God. i really did not see that coming at all, but it's true. i'm scared to commit because i'd have to try THAT much harder to live in His image. so many of us christians are not 100% committed. so many of us still want to "have fun" and enjoy and try everything the world has to offer. that's not a bad thing, but how far will you go?

mm.. i'm not ready for commitment. i'm not strong nor brave enough for commitment. but i want to try. because. i want my identity in Him to be securely grounded. i want my foundation to be built on the Rock, not sand (Matthew 7:24-27). i took this step of asking samoneem to be my mama bear, to help me and guide me on my spiritual walk with God. i took the first step. and you know what? i am so glad that i did :)

crunchy leaves

i went on a trip to the east coast to visit my best friend for a week. it's my last day here in New Haven, CT and i'm pretty sad to leave this place. my east coast trip has been so relaxing and fun, but the best part of my trip was the fact that i could spend so much quality time with my friend. it was also really nice to see other familiar faces in the east, too, and it was a huge plus that i finally, finally got to jump on a pile of crunchy leaves. i'm glad i came here during the autumn season; i absolutely love seeing the yellow, orange, and red leaves gently falling from the trees.

but in 24hours, i have to go back. i really don't want to; quite frankly, i'm scared to. speaking of being scared, it seems that many of those around me are feeling a bit scared. my best friend included. it's natural to be scared of something but how you approach your fears is what matters in the end. ah, i wish i can stay here longer and spend more time with my crunchy leaves...

i'm one of them

i've been wanting them to change for some time now.

i find something wrong with them and i blame them for being who they are.

and then i wonder why i've met them, these people who are no bueno for me.

but now i see that i am no better than them.

the things that they struggle with... are the things that i struggle with.

they've come into my life not for me to change them,

but to see who i am through them;

to change myself.

am i really any better than them?

i thought i was,

but i learned that i'm not.

i struggle, too.

i struggle with my identity.

i'm constantly battling my inner demons.

but like them, i want to ignore everything and "have fun."

these people whom i've met...

i will no longer blame. i will no longer label as "bad."

because these people whom i've met...

i'm just like them.

it took me quite some time to learn this lesson,

how sinful, how wretched, how ungodly i've been.

so what to do now?

continue playing or continue praying?

it's up to me.

superman's words of wisdom

"you know what i try to remind myself when i feel like our society judges us when we don't act like the rest of the world? i ask myself, 'well, how does God see me right now?' by asking myself how He sees me, i could care less about how society views me. this comforts me because i know that at least God is pleased with me."

"ask yourself this: is he the one you would want to marry? if the answer is no, or there's hesitation when saying 'yes,' then forget about him and move on. the end."

"if he truly loves the girl, he'll respect her. no excuses."

thankyou, superman :)

persecution

Christ and His followers were persecuted.

Christians nowadays are still being persecuted.

i know that i have never faced such extreme punishment..

but feeling dejected and rejected for being who I am.. for following Christ.. for attempting to follow His commandments..

it's getting so much harder and harder..

no one said the christian life would be an easy life to live..

but..

i really don't know much longer i can keep holding on..

They preached the gospel in that city and won a large number of disciples. Then they returned to Lystra, Iconium and Antioch, strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God," they said. -- Acts 14:21-22

selfish

why am i so selfish..
i have very good friends around me..
i know that they care for me and i care for them, too..
and yet, i'm sitting here being mopey..
claiming to have a bad day when it's really not THAT bad at all..
all because of a certain friend who isn't being very nice..
but.. many good friends > one friend.. no?
or, that's what i tell myself..
... i need to stop applying math to relationships...

it's like this.

a lot of my friends around me have been feeling very sad about this uncertain period in their young adult life. not too long ago, i witnessed a friend crying so hard because s/he did not know what s/he wanted to do and where to go in life. sigh. i'm in the same boat as you, friend.

i really dislike this stage in life. maybe i would like it more if someone could just tell me what to do. it's funny how we crave for freedom and get angry at people for telling us what to do, and yet when we receive the opportunity to make our own decisions, we end up being more confused and bitter. i'm an indecisive person so it would really help me out if someone could make the decisions for me and i would follow accordingly. oh, i wish.

but there's something good about this uncertainty. really, there is. during this time, i'm learning more of who i am and who i'd like to be. i'm becoming a little bit more comfortable about myself, too, and i'm seeing more clearly of how God is still working in my life. sure, His voice is not audible and sure, i can't visibly see Him. but i know that when i have my meetups with samoneem or meetups with friends, it's so evident and apparent that He's really here with us and working in us. and you know what i was thinking? even if God revealed to us His plan, or if He showed us what to do, would we really understand what He's showing us? i mean, He's given us so much on this earth already, more than enough, but we're still so very puzzled by the things that He's given us. for instance, we don't know why He created such-and-such this way, or we don't know why this-and-that happened... our simple and sinful minds prevent us from seeing the big picture of God. BUT. one thing we should always keep in mind is that we DO know that whatever He has in store for us will definitely be worth the wait. and dude, it's gonna be realllyyy good. but our job is to TRUST in Him and to put our FAITH in Him and to PRAY to Him. always.

on a random note, i like having breakfast in bed. haha.

without Him

if God is not the center of your life...

nothing will work out.

i knew this already

but i'm constantly being reminded of it.

studies, work, relationships...

they'll all fall apart if God is not the Head of it all.