commitment

i always feel so refreshed and joyful after my meetups with samoneem. i feel really silly at times when i share some of my thoughts because i sound very childlike but she is always so understanding, so patient, and so accepting of me. she's so great, really. and funny, too! i never thought i'd ever have this type of relationship with an older woman but she's made it pretty comfortable for me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.

one thing that i'm learning about myself is that i'm terrified of commitment. i never thought i was so scared but i actually tremble at the thought of being committed to something or someone. and even more so, i'm scared of being 100% committed to God. i really did not see that coming at all, but it's true. i'm scared to commit because i'd have to try THAT much harder to live in His image. so many of us christians are not 100% committed. so many of us still want to "have fun" and enjoy and try everything the world has to offer. that's not a bad thing, but how far will you go?

mm.. i'm not ready for commitment. i'm not strong nor brave enough for commitment. but i want to try. because. i want my identity in Him to be securely grounded. i want my foundation to be built on the Rock, not sand (Matthew 7:24-27). i took this step of asking samoneem to be my mama bear, to help me and guide me on my spiritual walk with God. i took the first step. and you know what? i am so glad that i did :)