i'm only human

one of my worst fears came true.
i got called a hypocrite.
behind my back.
i wish she would realize that i'm not perfect.
she said i'm not a "good christian" because what i do contradicts what a "good christian" is suppose to do.
what does she know what a "good christian" looks like?
i never claimed i was "good."
but beside that, i hate the label "good." what makes any of us good?
i try to be faithful to Him and loyal to Him.
but i may fall here and there;
i may slip and regress back to my former ways;
i may waver in my decisions.
but this shouldn't make me less of a christian.
no.
i'm human.
i'll make mistakes.
i'll constantly and always sin.
it's not that i want to. sometimes, it's just so damn hard to fight.
it's because i'm human;
i'm not perfect.
she doesn't even know anything about christianity.
all she has are these misconceptions of christians.
i wish i can explain to her;
i wish i can explain to everyone like her.
but she won't understand. she can't understand.

but maybe hearing this has some good points, too.
it means i have to try THAT much harder to live out the life that God wants me to.
i need to set an example of how a true christian should live her life.
oh, the pressure.
trying to balance two distinct worlds as one -- the nonbelievers and the believers.
bring me back to the cross, Lord.
help me to do better.
give me wisdom and strength.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.  For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. -- Hebrews 12:1-3