mmm...

i haven't written many entries this year...

i don't feel particularly bad about it, though...

just means i had a lot of adventures this year :)

some good... some challenging... none of it bad.

will do a reflection of this year soon.

not right now, though. i still have 5 days of 2013 left.

cheers to the last 5 days of 2013! :)

be brave

it's undergrad all over again. trying to find a church community -- more specifically, fellowship with sisters.  i enjoy the church i'm attending, but i yearn for accountability and a family of close sisters.  especially right now, when life is just too chaotic and too much for me to handle.

sigh.

words of wisdom

cousin:  why can't His silence be an answer?  why does His answer always have to be a 'yes' or 'no?'  sometimes, His silence IS the answer. He's not always going to tell you what to do or what not to do. He wants YOU to make the decision and have faith that whatever decision you make, He will always be there for you and bless you no matter which path you take.  you're not a robot -- you can make your own decisions, you know. think of a parent and a child. when the child is still young, the parent teaches her from right or wrong. and the parent, out of his best interest, will tell the child what to do. but when the child grows up, the parent will provide guidance but ultimately, let the child make her own decisions. but whatever choice she makes, the parent will always support her, always protect her, always love her.

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friend:  taking a risk is another way of God presenting you with a challenge and/or trial. haven't you noticed that all the trials you've gone through, in the end, they brought you closer to God? although they're hard to endure, hardships are what grows your faith and relationship with God. with that in mind, i would jump at the chance of taking a risk if it means that it will bring me closer to God.

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friend: it's not about being brave or courageous. it's about having faith. have faith and trust God.

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Peace I live with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. -- John 14:27

good interview

to me, a 'good interview' is not one in which i feel like i got the job, but one that consists of the following things:

1)  my nerves are calm

2)  my answers are clear & genuine

3)  there's passion in my words

4)  it's fun

i had my first interview today and i came out of it with a huge smile on my face. all 4 qualities mentioned above were met.  i know that it's highly likely that i may not get a follow-up/second interview, but i'm completely at peace with it because today, i was me. i wasn't fake, i wasn't intimidated, i wasn't flustered. all the words and emotions that i had expressed were genuinely from God. and from the comments made by the interviewer, i know that he saw a glimpse of my true identity in Him.

that's what i call a 'good interview.' :) praise God!

His timing is too perfect

God, You are crazy good...

today's sermon preached by a guest pastor from Hong Kong was titled, "How to be a church in the city." my goodness, the sermon was eerily perfect. i can't believe it was only a few hours ago that i had written my previous entry and how just a few hours later, God spoke to me through this pastor and gave me the peace that i had longed for.

to briefly summarize the pastor's sermon, i was called to come to LA, the city of angels. it didn't happen by chance; rather, God has a divine purpose for me in this city. and while i'm in this city, i am called to make it my home. i need to stop dwelling on other places that i'd rather be in, i need to stop trying to flee LA, and i need to get rid of my "this is only temporary" mentality. while i am here, i need to truly LIVE here and call it my home. because this is where God has placed me and He will do great things through me during my time here. and finally, He has brought me here to be a light to this city, to pray for this city, to bless the people in this city.

Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper. -- Jeremiah 29:7

now that i'm finally at peace with God's decision, i'm very eager to see His divine purpose for me unfold in LA... nervous yet very excited to be a part of His glorious works :)

oh, LA..

my summer program is ending in 4 days, with one of the days being a "field trip" to nestle.

thankYou, Lord, for helping me persevere this summer. You helped me survive.. thankYou, thankYou..

as i reflect on the summer program, i can't help but be very grateful for the experience. yes, i cried and whined a lot in the first 2.5 weeks, but every day, God always reminded me of why He brought me here and what His plans are for me. i still think about the earlier part of this year and how God so smoothly paved the way for me to come to LA. and now that i'm in LA, He is still providing immensely. i'm soo amazed by His love and care for me. and i'm so deeply thankful to my family and friends who have been so supportive and encouraging -- it truly means a lot to me :)

with that said, my school wants me to decide by tomorrow one city in which i want to work in after i graduate in may (assuming i'll be graduating within a year). whichever city i choose, i'll most likely have to live there for at least 2 years. when i first came to LA, my initial thoughts were, "i want to get the hell out of here." those who know me know how much i didn't want to come here. i never, ever wished to live in LA which is also the only reason why i chose ucsd over ucla, even though ucla had a strong accounting major and ucsd had no accounting major (oh, how i screwed myself over with a very foolish decision..). and then, i was faced with LA vs North Carolina.. man, that was a tough decision. but unlike my decision for undergrad, i prayed for God's decision. and as much as i wanted to avoid LA, i knew He wanted me to come here.

and so, i'm faced with another difficult decision.. where to work. when i first joined this program, i had my heart set on the bay area. not because i love the bay, but because i wanted to flee LA. and although i haven't prayed much about this situation, i already know which city God wants me to choose. but man, i am just not at peace with it. but i want to be at peace with it. i want to be enthused about this city. but i can't seem to overcome my fears about this place. sigh. i feel as though i'm Jonah.. =/

sigh

it's been two weeks since i've moved to la and started school.
it's been quite difficult and miserable and disheartening.

but then...

i watched this video of a north korean refugee by the name of joseph kim.
and after hearing his emotional story, i realized...
what the heck have i been crying about in these last two weeks?
receiving a good education?
having supportive family and friends and classmates?
eating delicious korean food?
pursuing my goal/passion?

i'm sure i'll still be crying a river during this summer intensive program, and perhaps the rest of this school year (assuming i'll be able to continue my studies after summer).. and probably in a few days since that's when my first grade comes out.. but then, i ought to remember joseph kim who genuinely suffered in north korea and boldly escaped to a foreign country to seek food and freedom. and i ought to remember Jesus Christ who truly suffered THE most for us all.

joseph kim:  http://www.ted.com/talks/joseph_kim_the_family_i_lost_in_north_korea_and_the_family_i_gained.html

summer intensive program

to simply put,

i don't wish this upon anyone.

author unkown

"It’s impossible,” said pride.

“It’s risky,” said experience. 

“It’s pointless,” said reason. 

“Give it a try,” whispered the heart.

God brings joy. God IS joy.

i shared my passion, purpose, and calling to a complete stranger.
the stranger asked where my passion came from and what compelled me to make so-and-so my passion..
i paused.
silence.
and then i asked, "... can i talk about God?"
to my reply, the stranger laughed and said, "yea!"
and afterwards, the conversation flowed very, very well.
and i was so happy.

the end.

counting down the days...

.. not really. i don't want to count down the days 'til i have to officially move out of sd :'(

it's already may!! ohhhhhhhmygoodness.

as much as i don't want to think about my last days in sd, i'm also really excited for this month's festivities!  let's see.. i'm flying to texas during my birthday weekend to attend a close friend's graduation, and my bff from connecticut will be joining me as well! (maybe i'll get to run into jeremy lin! and chandler parsons. and james harden. oh heck, any of them, haha) and 2 weeks after, i'll be meeting my bff again but this time, in the bahamas! i've never traveled so often and so spontaneously in my life! :)

i also have a list of things that i want to do before i leave sd, and a list of people i want to see before i say "see you later" to them. i still can't believe that after 8 years of basking in sd's beauty, i'll be leaving my second home. i feel like i'm growing up all over again, haha.

and so it begins..

"right now, you're young. in my opinion, you should work for a lot of money, save up a lot of money, and then when you're a lot older like, in the 50s, THEN you should work for a npo. but don't do it now; you're not going to make anything."

i understand her worries and concerns. after all, i'm her only child and she just wants to see me financially stable. selfishly, or maybe not selfishly, she's worried that i won't be able to send her on grand trips and give her a monthly allowance, haha.

but as much as i understand her, i can't help but feel a sense of urgency. i know i'm going to be "poor," but that's okay. He will always provide my basic needs. my treasures are in Heaven, not on earth. make a difference starting NOW, not later.

ordinary people can do Extraordinary things.

when doing His works, nothing should stand in the way.

looking back on february

this month has been a whirlwind of amazing and eye-opener events. aside from gradschool acceptances, God has also provided another wonderful blessing: His seed that He has planted inside of me has finally began growing!

to clarify..

i have always been interested in nonprofits (more so interested in those that help provide education for impoverished societies). and i have always wanted to be a 2nd grade or math teacher. but my parents disapproved of the latter so i gave up on that dream and pursued accounting instead. but during college and post-college, i struggled with the idea of accounting as a profession. i didn't love numbers THAT much, i didn't care too much for working for the corporate world, and i had little, if not none, inkling of knowledge about businesses in general. yet, for some reason, God never let me fall away from the path of accounting. i had no idea why...

until now.

during these two weeks, God has exposed nonprofits and inspirational individuals to me.  as if i didn't already have so many things to think about, He has been slowly revealing to me what may lie in my future -- basically, what His purpose is for me.  all of a sudden, everything became so clear! there was finally truth and passion in the words i had written for my personal statement for gradschools, about how i wanted to serve nonprofits and underprivileged communities.  everything just makes sense now.  my heart for nonprofit, my love for education (keyword: education. does not necessarily mean schoolwork and such, haha), and my stubborn hold on accounting.  these three things can be combined altogether (!!!!) and i would be living out my purpose in life.

i am SO, SO, SO ecstatic and in tears. what i thought i had wanted so much (being a schoolteacher) is NOTHING compared to what God has planned for me. His plans, His thoughts, His ways are SOO much better than what little things i had dreamed of for myself. how incredibly true it is that only God knows what is best for us!

february has been an absolutely wonderful and profound month.  i can't WAIT to see how else He will be working in my life.

thankYou, God.

speechless

words cannot express how utterly grateful and tearfully thankful i am of being so blessed by God.

He provided my acceptance of being admitted to BOTH of my #1 graduate schools, and i am just so in awe. because you see, my grades and my gmat score are below the average of these two fine schools, and yet somehow, by the grace of God, i have been admitted to both. my initial thought was: are you kidding me.

but along with this wonderful and undeserving gift, i have also been blessed with the knowledge of genuine faith. when i first became a christian, i would claim that i had faith in Him. but it was only up until a few weeks ago that i had this HUGE revelation and conviction that i NOW have genuine faith. i can honestly say that now i see that God WILL use me for His glory and that i WILL follow the path He has set out for me. after having my own spiritual revival (it's as if i went on a church retreat by myself, haha), everything has become so much more clear. my direction, my focus, my heart... i want to give it all to Him.

a few posts back, i wrote about a friend who seemed unrecognizable to me because of his fire and passion for God. i understand him a lot better now. when i meet up with friends and share with them my recent updates, they, too, see how much i've grown and changed. i'm really encouraged to hear that.

to sum it all up, i've been so joyful. not because of my circumstances, but because of my growth and genuine relationship with Him.

praise Jesus, my eyes and heart have now been opened.

reconciliation

i truly hope that one day we will reconcile.

to serve

after 8 years of living in sd, after 8 years of attending hope church, my heart has finally found a conviction to serve the church, His people, His kingdom.

what a shame, though, that finally, i want to serve in many ways possible. and yet, i'll be leaving sd in a few months. i wonder why it took me so many years for my heart to be compassionate for the church.

but praise God that He planted this desire inside me. i may not have been able to serve hope church fully for the past 8 years, but now i know that i DO want to serve in the church(es) to come.

during the remainder of my time in sd, i want to do everything that i can for the church.

i'm excited.

:D

the flu

after two healthy years, i have officially caught the flu. i was bound to get sick since everyone around me has been getting sick or is recovering from his/her sickness. the culprit who got me sick, though, was none other than my tutor teen's mom. somehow, her bacteria got transferred to me when she handed me payment.

in the beginning, i welcomed the flu because: 1) i find it to be unhealthy to not be sick for two years, and 2) my body definitely needed some rest since the crazy start of 2013.  but now.... i'm ready to say bye to the flu, haha. i don't like being congested and i don't like how one side of my nose is stuffy while the other is runny. make up your mind, nose.

random side note, i would love to lose my voice just once in my lifetime.

up, up, and away

truly grateful for the busyness and extra hours at work.
very fortunate for extra hours of tutoring, and being provided with another tutor kid.
so happy to have friends who want to play and eat with me.
wonderfully blessed to help the low-income families with their taxes for the third year.
extremely thankful for meetings with mama bear and cub sister, and for my own dt meetings with my dt girl.

but.. i'm always so tired now. kinda wanna float away for a day or two.. float, float, float..

†

yesterday, i saw a glimpse of what i would've been like without Jesus as my Savior.
without Christ, i would've been such an angry and depressed child.

thank God that i am His child.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.  -- Galatians 2:20

admitted :)

praise God!

might be heading to north carolina soon...

i don't know who you are anymore, but i'm glad to meet the new you

he's never going to read this..

but i am so pleased to see his growth in Christ. each year, his relationship with Him seems to be growing ever so stronger.  i used to pray for him a few years ago. actually, i prayed for him a lot because i really wanted to see him serve our Lord, to mature into a godly man.

seeing him now, though... he's become a whole new person who is unrecognizable to me. i'm sad in the sense that i feel like i lost a part of him and who he was, but this sadness is washed away by my delight to see him become a new man in Christ. goodbye old friend. hello new brother.

if i am this pleased and proud of you, then imagine how much more pleased and proud God is of you. i'm very excited to see what extraordinary things you will be doing for His kingdom.

ily

mom called me today from work to wish me a safe trip back to sd. and at the end of the convo, she said, "i love you, jihae." and giggled.

my reply? "love you, too."

for the first time ever, we exchanged "i love you."

... woah.

mom hates male roosters

i didn't know how adamant my family members are about chinese zodiac signs. one night, i was talking to my mom about relationships and age differences. and all of a sudden, she blurted out how much she despises male roosters. out of a total of 5 male roosters whom my mom knows, 4 of them are lousy husbands in which the wives are the providers while the men are playing and not working. this has convinced her that ALL male roosters are the worst. and if i were ever to date someone, he better not be a rooster. and if i were ever to marry, well, she would rather see me single than marry a rooster. for a woman who so strongly wants to see me date/marry, it clearly shows how much she hates roosters.

i've never seen my mom so flustered and agitated. even though i find her comments quite amusing and entertaining, i was also slightly terrified, too. hul =/

keeping in touch

i was always so proud that i didn't need to talk to friends on a consistent basis because if i were to see them just once or twice a year, i would have no problem picking things up from where we left off. i always found those friendships to be quite rare and comforting.

but in the past few days, i've realized that 365 days is A LOT and so much can happen in a person's life in a single year. i feel awful that i haven't really been keeping in touch with friends, especially those who were going through one of the most difficult years of their life.

in addition to the list of resolutions i have made for 2013, i think i'll add one more -- to be more active in keeping in touch with friends.

let's do this.

i'm going to miss you, 2012..

personally, 2012 was by the far the most joyous year of my life. and i know i shouldn't be superstitious but i'm a bit terrified of 2013, mainly because of the number thirteen. it doesn't have that pleasant ring to it as 2012 does.. hum.

a few events that stood out in 2012:

-- grad apps (not yet done, though)
-- started playing a lot of bball
-- first missions trip. first time out of the country.
-- first vbs
-- momma's visit to sd. first time at seaworld.
-- being less concerned, less dependent on relationships and people
-- no encounters of bad namjs, thank God
-- learning how to let go
-- giving Him the control which helped me to be more carefree and give my whole trust to Him
-- first ballet (the nutcracker)
-- 5 weddings, including cousin annie's wedding
-- played with everyone, including the adults, on Christmas eve. the best gathering as of yet.
-- A LOT of movie marathons. batman, bourne, xmen, lotr, rush hour
-- made dumplings with pops (pops actually made mandoo with me)
-- first smartphone. woot!
-- got my dream bear, maple. thankyou bestfriend!
-- first NC trip. and my first time going on a trip and renting a hotel/car by myself
-- finally, finally explored SF. first time going on bart by myself, haha.
-- first time writing Christmas cards to my aunts&uncles.. in korean..
-- laughing a lot. i've learned to laugh at things that would have annoyed me in the past.
-- finally accepting the fact that i'm really, really weird. and after accepting this fact, i've become a little bit more confident in my identity.

out of all that has happened in 2012, my mama bear told me that this year, she has seen much growth in me, both spiritually and as a woman. her comment summarizes my 2012 because i really do feel like i've grown a lot this year, and i think it's because of my growth in Christ that i truly had an amazing, humbling year. it's very true that the more one seeks God, the more one finds pure joy.

2013.. there's a lot of uncertainty about a lot of things, but i hope that God will help me to remain calm, not be anxious/worried, but rather give everything to Him. i pray that my life will be centered on the cross, that i may not fear the unknown, and that i may continue to mature in His name. i also pray for everyone else that this new year will be a year of many laughs, hope, and blessings. happy new year, everyone :)