my 6yr old :)

amidst the struggles i currently have with life, i can always count on my 6yr old girl to cheer me up. i met her a year and a half ago (it's already been that long?! o.O) and when i first met her, she was so small and so quiet. when we first read together, her voice was barely audible and she didn't read with confidence. there would be a lot of books on her little desk, but she would pick out the books that she knew were easy for her. and when she came across an unfamiliar word, she would pause and wait for me to read her the word.

but fast forward to a year and a half later!

she's so happy to see me, hehe :) she's grown so much! and she's so talkative, too! she's so eager to read now.. soo eager that she'll try to read really fast because she wants to know what will happen next in the story! just before school had ended, her first grade teacher told ellen's mom that ellen had become an advanced reader and that she was doing super well in school. her mom was really happy when she told me what the teacher had said and so, she gave me a small thank-you present... i didn't do anything at all but it still felt nice to be a part of this little girl's life :) i love reading with her~ and now, when she comes across an unfamiliar word, she doesn't wait for me anymore. instead, she'll try to pronounce it herself. and when she gets it right, oh man... i squeal with joy, haha :) and it makes me really happy to see how absorbed she is in the books. sometimes, when she reads, she'll read with an attitude that reflects the character's attitude. and other times, she'll share her views about a certain character. like this: "she has a boyfriend? she's only 8 years old! she's too young to have a boyfriend. i'm 6 years old and i don't have a boyfriend." hahaha, so cute.

her mom may think that i'm doing a favor for ellen but in reality, ellen is doing me a favor. i'm learning a lot from this 6yr old girl... mm~ i really like her~ :)

comfort

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken. --Psalm 62:1-2

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." --Psalm 91:14-16

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. --Proverbs 3:5-6

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. --Isaiah 40:28-31

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things. --Philippians 4:6-8

thank You, Father, for reminding me that i am not alone :)

the truth

i think it's been a month or two that i've been feeling so empty and unhappy. i was slowly falling apart but i didn't want to see it and i tried to put my pieces back together. but i'm so weak and everything just crumbled and came crashing down and i've hit rock bottom... i've learned how to fake my emotions and i'm awfully good at lying. but now, it's come to a point where i don't want to be fake anymore. i don't want to lie anymore -- to myself, the people around me, to God. so here i am on my blog, being the most vulnerable i have ever been in such a public domain.

i've never wanted to be an accountant. oh hell, i didn't even know what a cpa was until my 3rd year in college. all i knew was that it was a job that my parents would be proud of and they wouldn't have to worry about me financially. it was a safe and secure job. but you see, ever since i was very young, my dream job was to be a 2nd grade teacher. it always has been and to this day, it still is. but when i had first approached my parents about my dream job, i saw their disapproving faces; i heard the disappointment in their voices. and they tried to dissuade me from it. and so, i began to lie to myself. i told myself that i'll be happier making a lot of money rather than doing something that i wanted to do. so, i took a few classes, registered for the exams, began studying for it, but i hated it. studying, or lack of, has been so hard. not only because the material is overwhelming and difficult, but because i have no passion for it. how can you study for something when you don't even want to do it?

but now i'm scared. terrified. the time and money that i've wasted... and to disappoint my parents... how did it come this far? why didn't i realize sooner that money is NOT what i should be living for? what i should've learned is that no matter how i'm doing financially, God will always provide. i'm so, so stupid. and i'm still so stupid because honestly, i still do care about money. i don't want the life that my parents have been struggling with since i was born. i don't want to raise a family where the lack of funds will break us apart. gosh. i hate you, money.

so here i am, not knowing what to do. i'm torn and conflicted, broken and disheartened. this has also affected me spiritually. my spiritual identity has divorced itself from my personal identity and i became SO CONFUSED as to who i truly am. i suddenly saw myself resorting to the worldly things and being consumed by it and guiltily enjoying every moment of it. i lost myself for a good few weeks and i hated it. i guess you can say that i had a mini-identity crisis because that's what it really was: a mini-identity crisis. and to continue on with the lying, i still lied to myself. i kept defending the new change in me and used the excuse that i was a sinful human like all other humans to defend my actions. i.hate.sin. it corrupted my mind, my body, my soul. it's a drug.

and to top it all off, i've become insecure with the friendships and relationships that i've made. a good friend had hurt me awhile back. except i kept lying to myself that i wasn't hurting and that i was absolutely fine. but everyday, i'm reminded of this friend and each memory that i have of us pains me still. i didn't want to accept it at first but the friend hurt me a lot. more than i'd like to admit.

so, this is my confession. i'm clueless as to what i'm suppose to do. i haven't figured anything out. i look and feel like sh-t (the substitute word,"crap," wouldn't do any justice to my feelings). but i took my first step and poured out the truth. i need to ask God to take control of my life. i need to let go of what little i could possibly do, and to give everything to Him. faith.trust.hope.patience.love.

get back up

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, Imma face my demons
I’m manning up, Imma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

--Eminem, "Not Afraid"

18 or older

september of 2007, highschoolers had started school and college kids like me didn't start school yet. a policeman saw me and asked, "young lady, why aren't you in school?" he had a very stern face -- so stern that my hands got sweaty and i felt like i was in trouble for not being in school. but then i realized, "hey! i'm in college, not in highschool! duh."

september of 2008, i was getting a haircut on a weekday. once again, highschoolers had started school but college didn't start yet. the vietnamese lady who cut my hair said, "little girl~ why you not in schoo?" i told her i was in college and she said, "oh you in college? you look so youngg~ you look like my little daughter~ she only in high schoo. she foh-teen (14). she look older than youuu~" tahaha vietnamese accents crack me up.

some time in 2009, i was a senior in college! i went to ralphs to buy some groceries. in front of the chips section, an african american lady was standing behind a mini-table and she had samples of these new chips called "pop chips." as i was about to grab a sample, the lady slapped my hand away and said, "you 18 years or older? you can't have no chips if you're not 18 years or older." i looked at her for the longest time, thinking, "is she forreal?!!" and then finally, i told her that i was definitely older than 18. and then she said, "you sure? you don't look no 18." tahaha i like how african americans talk, too. ghetto style!

and today in june of 2010, i went to costco. i'm 23 years old. that's 18years + 5 more years. i love costco samples. it's like a free meal. love it! haha, anyway, back to my story. so, this pretty indian lady was offering this healthy drink that looked really disgusting. it was a very muddy green color -- the same color as naked juice's "green machine" drink. i wanted to try it but before i reached out for one of the cups, the lady looked at me and said, "you must be 18 years or older to have this drink." o.O??

18 or older. before, it bothered me that people would question my age. but now, it's pretty amusing and a bit flattering. i hope i will still be asked if i'm 18 or older when i'm in my late 20s, haha.

on a sidenote, i told my older buddy these stories and he replied, "i wish i had a job where i had to go to work everyday. i could bring you on 'take your daughter to work' day." hahaha -.-

sometimes

i admit that i liked britney spears when i was a teen. when she first made her debut, i thought she was really cute and pretty. her songs were so corny but they were so catchy!! i don't know what made me think of her at 3am, haha, but i do miss her squeaky clean image that she once had. gosh, the entertainment world really messed her up. but, i still like her old stuff, especially the song, "sometimes." :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0bPrt69rag

Sometimes

You tell me you're in love with me

Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me

It's not that I don't want to stay

But every time you come too close I move away

I wanna believe in everything that you say

'Cause it sounds so good

But if you really want me, move slow

There's things about me you just have to know

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want is to hold you tight

Treat you right

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

I don't wanna be so shy

Every time that I'm alone I wonder why

Hope that you will wait for me

You'll see that you're the only one for me

Just hang around and you'll see

There's nowhere I'd rather be

If you love me, trust in me

The way that I trust in you.

on my knees

this morning, i woke up with a very heavy heart and a realization on how i've let sin take so much control of my life, to the point where i became so apathetic with God. but today, this one particular song came to mind, "falling on my knees." the melody started playing in my ears (i think i've only sang this song two or three times during praise) and i just knew that what i really wanted to do was to fall on my knees and cry out to God.

for the first time in my life, i went on my knees and prayed. at first, it was hard for me to come to the Lord because i was so ashamed of how i've been living my life. it's so much easier to hide from those who we've wronged, but with God, He's always watching our every moves and hearing our every sinful thoughts. that's a bit scary, no?

but by the end of my prayer (you can also call it a plea for help), i felt really good. i'm not perfect and i'll constantly be struggling with a spiritual battle, but in the end, God always wins.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az9kMZyNNCM

Hungry (Falling on My Knees)

hungry I come to You

for I know You satisfy

I am empty

but I know Your love does not run dry

and I wait

and I wait

so I wait for You

so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees

offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

broken I run to You

for Your arms are open wide

I am weary

but I know Your touch restores my life

so I'll wait for You

so I'll wait for you

I'm falling on my knees

offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

Oh, I'm falling on my knees

offering all of me

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

so I wait for you

so I wait for you

so I wait for you

hungry I come to You,

for I know You satisfy.

patience is a virtue

God really loves to test me, doesn't He? He doesn't want to test my patience through only one person but rather, multiple persons all at the same time. why does He do this, i wonder. but anyway, here are the people who i've been bothered by recently.

person A: how can you say to me with a straight-face, "you watch basketball?? but you're a girl! do you even know what basketball is? the definition of basketball?" WOW. and after i had briefly shared with you on what i'm struggling with for a mere 5 minutes (while you had ranted on and on about your manager for a good 25-30minutes), you still had the nerve to say, "your situation isn't that bad." well, buddy, YOUR situation isn't that bad, either! gosh.

person B: you came over to me and said you wanted to have conversations with people that you didn't really know because you were tired of sitting with the same people and talking about the same things with them. so, i helped you and asked you questions about yourself to carry on a conversation. but you obviously didn't like that because you said to me, "dang, girl! you ask too many questions." so, i shut up and wondered if you were going to do anything. it was quiet for a good 3 minutes, and then finally, you asked me a question. you don't even know me, you don't know what i'm doing in sd, but the FIRST question you ask me is, "are you dating ____?" wow, way to get to know who i am. and fyi, you may think that i'm annoying because i was asking you questions, but you're really annoying because you want to take control of EVERYTHING. can you just relax and kick back and let others do what they want to do? my goodness.

person C: every time i see you, you ask me the same questions over and over and over again. i was patient with this at first, but now i cringe at your questions/comments that you make in under 30 seconds! "you're taking the cpa. when's your test? your test is next month, right? july? have you been studying for it? you've been studying for it, right? you haven't been coming out to bible study. it's because you're studying. you're studying for the cpa. you're taking it next month." and this conversation plays over and over again EVERY time i see you. it's actually quite funny, now that i think about it, haha. and also, just because you're tall doesn't mean you need to extend your arm up and make me jump up to high-five your hand. and when i don't want to jump, you'll put your hand to a level that i can reach but when i'm about to high-five you, you move your hand up again! that is so degrading and so not funny. maybe it's funny the first time, but now it's annoying. AND, high-fiving my forehead is NOT cool. you can pat my head if you want, but high-fiving my forehead to taunt me on how short i am??!! that's just dumb.

person D: every time you get a new girl, you really want me to know and you want me to ask you questions because you really like the attention. when you IM me, i know now that it's not because you want to know how i'm doing but it's because you want to tell me about your new girl. except, you don't want to just tell me straight up. it's more fun for you to say things to make me curious and ask you questions. but when i show that i don't really care about your life and when i don't ask you the questions you want me to ask you, you get sad and sign off. hahaha, oh my gosh. grow up!! you're almost 30!

person E: you constantly tell me how you want to stop drinking and that you don't have any control over the amount of alcohol you consume. you keep telling me that you're not going to drink anymore and you say all the right things, and yet when i see you, you're on your bajillionth bottle and you're drunk. you are sooo unattractive when you're drunk because you're not a fun-drunk but a serious-drunk. and when you're a serious-drunk, man... you're just ugly (personality is ugly). i hate it. i really hate it.

so, these are the people that i've been dealing with these days. at first, i was so angry with all 5 people and i really didn't like how God was challenging me so much when i'm suppose to be studying. but in retrospect, i think it's good for me because i do need to learn how to be patient and understanding. when i was younger, i was so quick-tempered and i got angry so easily and all the time. but after receiving Christ, my hot temper had greatly died down... but, there's still so much more that i need to work on.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. -- James 1:19-20

And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. -- 1 Thessalonians 5:14

falling...

i've been falling and falling, without even realizing...

earlier, i had thought that it was God who was on vacation, needing some time away from me...

boy, was i so wrong. it was me all along. it was me (i?) who was drifting away from Him... i didn't even know i was subconsciously doing this. for all i knew, i thought i was faithfully strong in Him. i thought everything was good. but i was gravely mistaken...

it's so true that when you're not doing so well in your spiritual walk, your conduct and your attitude prove it. these past days, i've been losing my patience with certain people very easily. but i didn't care. my mentality was, "screw it. why should i pretend to be a sweet-and-kind girl to these cocky, sexist, and annoying people? whatever." my conduct wasn't any better, either. i found myself adding a few swear words into my daily speech... i found myself skipping church 3 weeks in a row (the first 2 i have a legit reason, however)... i also found myself be more willing to take shots (4 nights in a row), even though i hate drinking. basically, i was having fun living the secular life and not minding that i was acting like a careless beezy. i wasn't living my life as a christian, and even though i knew that, i didn't care. i wanted to have fun. forget everything. be free. enjoy my youth. i didn't want to be a "good girl" anymore.

but after a convicting sermon by James JDSN on sunday, and after receiving an unexpected call by a friend who noticed that something was off with me, i realized how messed up and unloving i've become. we need the Holy Spirit in us every freakin' second because we're so prone to sin. we're so weak. and when we think we're doing so well with God, we have to be even more alert and strong in Him because that's when satan attacks!

So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! -- 1 Corinthians 10:12

mm~ i hope i'll get back on my feet soon. i don't like the shanksta in me. she's kind of a jerk and full of sass :P

do you want to dance?

my 8th grade girl has a school dance coming up this friday. she's super excited about it and after tutoring, she eagerly showed me her hot pink dress that have ruffles on the bottom. she and her best friend have been practicing on how to dance for fast songs and she showed me a 5 sec preview, hahaha. she also admitted that her and her friend would pretend to be a guy and ask each other to dance. hehehe :)

this brings me back to the memories of my middle school and high school dances. i didn't go to very many of them because my friends and i thought that dances were "sooo lame (*roll eyes*)." haha, i still think that they were lame, but whatever. anyway, to see my 8th grade girl get excited about her dance made me smile :) i'm looking forward to seeing her next week to hear her stories about the dance, hahaha. man, i need to get a life :P

keep on dreaming

if i could be reincarnated, i would love to be reborn as a stellar basketball player. i'd want to be an african american guy, though, since it seems like african americans are natural born athletes. man, they're awesome. how many asian basketball players have you seen in the nba, let alone on a school team? hardly any! -_-

watching tonight's game 3 of the nba finals reaffirmed my farfetched dream of wanting to be a male, african american nba basketball player. hahaha. this is a perfect example that not all dreams can come true. sigh.

anyway. game 3 was awesome. lakers are 2-1 right now. fisher pulled through in the 4th quarter. sweeeet shots made by the soon-to-be 36 year old. wow. 2 more wins and lakers OWN.

family

family. one of the more sensitive topics that'll make me cry very easily.

it painfully hurts me to hear about violence within the family, abusive and irresponsible parent(s), drama with relatives...

sometimes, being blood-related really doesn't matter at all. sometimes, your friends are more of a family than your real family. how can this be?

not all families are perfect. mine especially. but no kid should grow up in a hostile environment where they fear their own home.

i hope that my friends will be blessed with a happy marriage and a loving family. of course, there will be tough times and there will be arguments here and there, but in general, i hope everyone will have an unconditional love for their future spouse and their family.

teeny bopper

i've been listening to a lot of pop music these days, hehe. i feel like a teeny bopper listening to these cheesy songs by my favorite boybands, backstreet boys/*n sync/98 degrees, etc. hehehe mmm~ ^_^

currently, my itunes is playing "God must have spent a little more time on you" by *n sync :) i can't stop smiling, haha. it makes me really giddy :)

but one of my favorite boyband songs is by backstreet boys -- "how did i fall in love you." mmm~ so good~ :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGTVl-hG3X8&feature=related

is God on vacation?

stupid question, huh?

i know that God is omnipresent and He's probably watching me write this entry. but... lately, i've been feeling like God isn't here right now and He's far, far away. maybe He's on vacation. i've never felt this way before where it is God on vacation as opposed to me being on vacation from Him. i don't know how to make sense of it. i'm not spiritually down or anything, but perhaps i'm mistaking this feeling for another one? like, hmm... maybe i'm not feeling the Holy Spirit within me. He kind of just... mysteriously vanished. and i feel nothing. no sadness, no anger. simply confused. where did He go, i wonder.

i'm still doing my devotionals. but the bible is feeling more and more like a book. an ordinary book. not as God's Word, not as His instrument that He can speak to us through. but just a plain old book. hrm... i'm so confused.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. -- Psalm 51:12

nothing else matters

tonight was game 1 of the 2010 nba finals, lakers vs. celtics

during the game, ABC showed the seriousness of kobe bryant and how even chris rock couldn't distract this very talented, very skilled player. i found a clip of it on youtube because i found it so hilarious. i can't stop laughing at it, hahaha. poor chris rock -- he looks like he got burned really badly:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQwWEDu1z9o&feature=player_embedded

in the postgame interview, kobe bryant stated that when he's playing basketball, "nothing else matters."

it made me think... how i'm so easily distracted by everything around me that i tend to lose my focus for my studies all the time. man, i need to be more disciplined.

steak dinner

i made a new friend who happens to be a CPA! her name is angela and she's a few years older than i am. we had our first date today and we got along pretty well. i bet it's because we both have an ISFJ personality, hahaha. but seriously, i'm really thankful for this new sister at Hope church. praise God :)

anyway, she knows what it's like to study for the exams. tonight at dinner, she wanted to motivate me to pass the exam so she said she'd treat me to a steak dinner if i pass my july exam. but, i told her that it would motivate me more if i treated her to a steak dinner if i pass. the idea behind that is... i WANT to treat her. i WANT to pass and stick to my word and treat her to a delicious steak dinner. as much as i don't want to fail the test, i also really, really don't want to fail her, either. do i make sense? i hope so.

anyway. steak dinner... here i come!! (ahh, i hope!! T_T)

misunderstood

when i was in norcal this past week, my cousin, alina, took me to sf to watch the musical, "wicked." i heard so many wonderful things about it so i was pretty excited to watch it. and oh my, the performance was amazingggg!!! i was so engaged in the story that i began to feel for the characters and i became so frustrated with how the wicked witch has been misunderstood this whole time!! ahh, just thinking about it still irks me, haha! :P

but anyway. i grew up thinking that the wicked witch from "the wizard of oz" was nasty and evil. but as it turns out, she's really not. there's a reason why she's called the "wicked witch" but does anyone know who she really is? why she's even green? what her real name is? who her family is? NO.

gosh. we humans THINK we know who people are just by looking at them or hearing about their "reputation." we're so quick to point fingers and put labels on those around us. as great as "wicked" was, i felt so ashamed because... i'm guilty of "judging a book by its cover." i hope that i'll be better at getting to know a person first before i think i know who s/he is.

man, i'm so sorry, elphaba (the wicked witch's real name), for misunderstanding you all this time! but i'm really glad you had a happy ending!!~ :)