i've never wanted to be an accountant. oh hell, i didn't even know what a cpa was until my 3rd year in college. all i knew was that it was a job that my parents would be proud of and they wouldn't have to worry about me financially. it was a safe and secure job. but you see, ever since i was very young, my dream job was to be a 2nd grade teacher. it always has been and to this day, it still is. but when i had first approached my parents about my dream job, i saw their disapproving faces; i heard the disappointment in their voices. and they tried to dissuade me from it. and so, i began to lie to myself. i told myself that i'll be happier making a lot of money rather than doing something that i wanted to do. so, i took a few classes, registered for the exams, began studying for it, but i hated it. studying, or lack of, has been so hard. not only because the material is overwhelming and difficult, but because i have no passion for it. how can you study for something when you don't even want to do it?
but now i'm scared. terrified. the time and money that i've wasted... and to disappoint my parents... how did it come this far? why didn't i realize sooner that money is NOT what i should be living for? what i should've learned is that no matter how i'm doing financially, God will always provide. i'm so, so stupid. and i'm still so stupid because honestly, i still do care about money. i don't want the life that my parents have been struggling with since i was born. i don't want to raise a family where the lack of funds will break us apart. gosh. i hate you, money.
so here i am, not knowing what to do. i'm torn and conflicted, broken and disheartened. this has also affected me spiritually. my spiritual identity has divorced itself from my personal identity and i became SO CONFUSED as to who i truly am. i suddenly saw myself resorting to the worldly things and being consumed by it and guiltily enjoying every moment of it. i lost myself for a good few weeks and i hated it. i guess you can say that i had a mini-identity crisis because that's what it really was: a mini-identity crisis. and to continue on with the lying, i still lied to myself. i kept defending the new change in me and used the excuse that i was a sinful human like all other humans to defend my actions. i.hate.sin. it corrupted my mind, my body, my soul. it's a drug.
and to top it all off, i've become insecure with the friendships and relationships that i've made. a good friend had hurt me awhile back. except i kept lying to myself that i wasn't hurting and that i was absolutely fine. but everyday, i'm reminded of this friend and each memory that i have of us pains me still. i didn't want to accept it at first but the friend hurt me a lot. more than i'd like to admit.
so, this is my confession. i'm clueless as to what i'm suppose to do. i haven't figured anything out. i look and feel like sh-t (the substitute word,"crap," wouldn't do any justice to my feelings). but i took my first step and poured out the truth. i need to ask God to take control of my life. i need to let go of what little i could possibly do, and to give everything to Him. faith.trust.hope.patience.love.
