"i'd just live"

a friend recommended me this movie. he said he really liked it and that i should watch it, too. i didn't know what it was about; never even heard of it. but the friend insisted that i transfer the movie from his laptop to mine. so i did. unaware that i would actually be encouraged by it.

"It's Kind of a Funny Story" is about a depressed and suicidal 16-year-old named craig who gets a new start after checking himself into an adult psychiatric ward. the movie sounds a bit dramatic, but it's also comedic in a way; hence, the title of the movie. the underlying message is this: while you're alive, live. and make the most of it.

two of my favorite quotes from the movie:

(during craig's session with his psychiatrist, she shares with him a quote she once heard)

psychiatrist: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

(craig befriends an older patient named bobby who tried to kill himself 6 times)

bobby: "See, that's the part I don't get, Craig. I mean, you're cool, you're smart, you're talented. You have a family that loves you. You know, what I would do just to be you, for just a day? I would... I would do so much. I would... I don't know. I would just... I'd just live. Like it meant something."

life in Him

...thanks for the reminder, God. i needed it. happy resurrection day.

Because He lives

God sent His Son, they called Him, Jesus;

He came to love, heal and forgive;

He lived and died to buy my pardon,

An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,

Because He lives, all fear is gone;

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living,

Just because He lives.

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,

And feel the pride and joy He gives;

But greater still the calm assurance:

This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,

Because He lives, all fear is gone;

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living,

Just because He lives.

And then one day, I'll cross the river,

I'll fight life's final war with pain;

And then, as death gives way to vict'ry.

I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives.

a cry for help

you know...

i really thought i could do this.

but now i'm not so sure.
every other day, sometimes everyday, there seems to be "something in my eye."

and i thought it would get better,

i thought i'd be okay by now.

but it's only getting worse.

i really don't know what to do.

and so i think of

sleeping forever

and wonder what it would be like

if i could just end it all.

and i know that's foolish and selfish of me

but i've reached the point where

i'm questioning

if anything matters at all.

i think this is what you call

the lowest of the lows.

i need to get out

before i really do

something stupid.

to be or not to be

Shakespeare - Hamlet, Act 3 Scene 1

To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office and the spurs

That patient merit of the unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!

The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remember'd.

someday

to know yourself

is to know God.

to be at peace with yourself

is to be at peace with God.

to love yourself

is to love God.

someday, this will be me. someday, i'll be able to check off these three things. someday, my conflicted soul will no longer be fighting but rejoicing as a whole. in Him and through Him and only by Him. someday, this will be me.

last day

today was my last day of volunteering. it was a good and busy last day. i'm really thankful that i had the opportunity to help people with their taxes, and it's been really encouraging to meet such a diverse group of people. my heart goes out to all of my clients. a majority of them were unemployed, some of them worked 3 to 4 jobs to feed their big families (two families had 5 children!), one was disabled, another was mugged and left with nothing, and the list goes on.

when i think back on my clients, i feel so ashamed of who i've been as of late -- constantly worrying about my finances, stressing about my exams, feeling distant from everyone around me. i feel like this is what God has been saying to me these days: "really, selena? your worries are nothing compared to these people. you have a home, you have a family, you have ME. isn't that enough? I love you so much that I saved you from eternal damnation. doesn't that mean anything to you at all? why have you been so devoted to your earthly desires when really, you should be devoted to Me? where is your trust? your faith? your love?"

He's right. i have so much to be thankful for, so much to be joyful about. yet, because of my selfishness and ungratefulness, i've been wallowing in anxiety and despair. oh, how my human heart so easily succumbs to the worldly things.

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world -- the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does -- comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. -- 1 John 2: 15-17

b-o-r-e-d-!!

WOW.

i am... so, so bored. my life is utterly dull. it seems like everyone around me has something exciting going on in their lives. i guess i'm fortunate that i can live vicariously through them; however, it would be nice to see my own life spice up for a change.

the other day, my best friend asked me to update her on my life. for the first time, in a long time, i told her that there was absolutely nothing new to share. even she was shocked and she actually complained, "gosh. i was hoping you would have some juicy stories... you're the storyteller!" hahaha... i'm sorry i disappoint you, bff.

but seriously. i'm so bored. and it's my fault. because. i'm being mia. i've been mia this whole year. but can i really blame myself when i know that this is what i had decided to do? that coming into this new year, i knew what i was getting myself into? i knew that life would be this way. but i didn't think the feeling of loneliness would quietly slither its way into my life. so this is what it feels like to not have any friends or family... mm... i see, i see.

well, this was a pointless entry. did i bore you? haha, i just bored myself. i'm going to go read a book now. it's a mystery/thriller book. the main character whose name is Odd (what an odd first name) sees ghosts and dark shadows that follow people who are about to commit murders. doesn't this book sound exciting?! alas, my only and little source of adventure. hip hip hooray!

...dot dot dot.....dot dot.....dot.....

-_-

God's Word

last month, i was blessed with a wonderful opportunity to be a dt leader for this year. unlike my past dt groups/one-on-one who were college girls, i was called to serve as a dt leader for a youth group girl. she's 15 years old... i'm almost a decade older than her. wow -.- haha anyways.

after learning that i was to be a dt leader, i was given a free and brand new esv study bible by hope church. it weighs a ton but i love it so much! i admit that i used to think the bible was too dull and difficult to read. but that only shows how foolish i have been. i realize now that the reason why i thought the bible was "boring" was because i didn't know what i was reading. i didn't care to learn about the author, the date, the genre, the style, the theme, the purpose, occasion, and background. but this esv study bible has everything! it even includes an outline for each book, charts, timelines, lists of facts, and colorful maps and illustrations! (i always get excited when i see color in a book. does that still make me a kid? hmm... hehe) these supplemental information has been added to help a simpleton, such as myself, to comprehend God's Word in its entirety. thank you, so many theologians, for compiling this resourceful study bible :)

my dt girl and i will be going through 1 John. i love a lot of the NT books but for this particular one, i have a biased affection and an emotional attachment to it. i read this book twice back in '09 and '10. but now that i'm using the study bible, i am blown away by all the notes and commentaries of 1 John. ah, i love it. i love it. i love it!

it's no wonder pastor joe's sermons are so long. the bible is so dense and rich; there's so much knowledge to share. it's no wonder pastors need a lot of time to prepare a sermon. it's clear that God's Word cannot be prepared in just one day, or else you won't be doing any justice to it at all.

i am so fortunate to have this study bible. thank you, hope church. but ultimately, thank you, God :)

masquerade

what you see

will not always be what you think.

she may seem happy

she may be laughing

but behind that well-designed mask

she may not be okay.

she may be hiding

she may be hurting

and the pain

may only be getting worse.

Casting Crowns - Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around

Everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay

If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it, too

So with a painted grin, I play the part again

So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there

Are there any hands to raise

Am I the only one who's traded

In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching

Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay

Well if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

fooled

i had a good phone chat with a friend. it's been a couple months since we've last talked. and nowadays, i rarely have phone chats. my cellphone minutes per month have been, like, 70 minutes. what a drastic change from jr high/highschool. man, i was always on the phone back then, until my ear and hand became sweaty, until my mom yelled at me to get off the phone. haha, i miss those days...

anyways. happy april fools. i've never been fooled on this day.. except for today..

friend: after updating me about his stressful life, he lowers his voice and whispers, "so.. i have cancer.. and i don't have much time to live.."

me: didn't really hear what he said so i laughed and pretended like i knew what he said. "hahaha okay."

friend: "um.. did you just laugh?"

me: "...yea.. wait, what?! did you just say you have cancer?!"

friend: "yea, dude. why are you laughing..."

me: "are you serious?! dude, i'm really, really gullible. so you better not be joking right now."

friend: "why would i be joking about something like this? like i said earlier, i have so many stressful things going on right now.. with my new relationship, with work.. and this adds to it."

me: "oh my gosh. you're serious.."

friend: "yea, dude. i have anal cancer... and no, i did not do the nasty with a gay guy."

me: googling anal cancer. "i am soo sorry... when did you find out? how did you know? did you tell your family?" reading up on anal cancer.

friend: "i found out just recently. i went for a check-up and learned that something was wrong. i haven't told anyone... except you now."

me: oh my gosh, i can't believe this. "i'm so sorry..."

friend: "hmm... you know, i haven't talked to you in awhile and so, your voice sounds really different. it sounds like you got more mature. and i was thinking that after i had told you about my cancer, you would be like, 'eff you. yea right.' but you're actually believing me... i think i need to stop this... i actually don't have cancer."

me: "WHAT?! o.O so, basically, because you think i sound mature now, you decided to play a joke on me?"

friend: "hahahaha yeaaaa.... april fool's, i guess?"

...wow -.-