something with the psyche

what is the right word to describe this experience?

so basically...

i came back to sd tonight (i had gone to the bay for a week) and i told my roommate that i had a dream about her a few nights ago. in my dream, she was carrying a newborn baby and it was the third child of so-and-so. my roommate looked at me with huge eyes and exclaimed, "omigosh! this week, i got to hold a newborn baby for my first time!! my FIRST! AND the mom was telling me that it was her third child and it was only 2 weeks old!" i asked my roommate what day she had held this newborn baby and she answered, "on thursday." can you guess when i had the dream?

on the same thursday night. holy moly! o.O

afterwards, my roommate told me that one of the teachers she works with had once told her about a man who's daughter was in a car accident. on the night that she got into the car accident, the man had woke up from his sleep because he had heard his daughter's scream in his dream. his daughter had died that very night.

wahhh!!~ goosebumps....

this reminds me of the time when i got into my very first car accident. it was pretty bad. when i called my dad to tell him that i got into an accident, my dad said, "you know, i had a feeling something bad would happen. i had a bad dream last night but it was about your mom being in a car accident. so this morning, i told her about it and i told her to drive safely. i didn't think you'd be the one to get into the accident..."

.....!!!!

i think this is why i find dreams so fascinating... bloop >.<

texas

at home, we have a colorful map of the U.S. hanging on the wall above the computer. it's actually a U.S. quarter map in which each state quarter can be placed on its respective state. i'm proud to say that we have all of the 50 state quarters, woot woot! :) haha anyways...

while i was looking at the map and analyzing the different sizes of the states, my mom heard me say aloud, "texas is so big..." right then, my mom replied in her very broken english, "we make you in tex-ah-seuh (texas). then you born in cal-ee-poh-nee-ah (california)"

i stared at her for a good few seconds because i had no idea what she was saying. we make you? huh?? and then it clicked.

my response? "ewww!! why would you tell me that?!!" and my mom just laughed.

hahahahaha.

bread&pastries

a friend had once asked me if i were to choose between giving up bread forever and shaving my head, what would i choose?

i'd shave my head.

i love bread way too much. oh.my.gosh. it's so fatty but it's super scrumptious! wahh... T.T i love all types of bread but my favorites are from the korean bakery. nom nom nom. i went to the bakery with my parents yesterday (~25-30mins from my house) and we bought $20something worth of bread. the owner gave us 2 free pastries as a thank-you for buying so much, haha. there's this one type of bread that can only be found in the bay and i am so tempted to move back home just for this bread. it's a one-of-a-kind!

sd fails in the korean bread market. it makes me sad. but then again, i guess it's a good thing because i save money and a few trips to the gym (not that i even go to the gym... but still).

how can you possibly resist?! .... yum :)

gLee

my good friend treated me to a glee concert tonight :)

i love glee. it makes me so happy.

it's definitely one of my all-time favorite t.v shows ever.

heart. heart.

You love me anyway

i heard this song for the first time yesterday. two sisters performed this beautiful song during offering. i'm deeply in love with it.

despite all my sins, despite my wretchedness, thank You for loving me anyway...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8BBCYFAYRI&feature=fvwrel

Sidewalk Prophets - You Love Me Anyway

The question was raised

As my conscience fell

A silly little lie

It didn't mean much

But it lingers still

In the corners of my mind

Still you call me to walk

On the edge of this world

To spread my dreams and fly

But the future's so far

My heart is so frail

I think I'd rather stay inside

But You love me anyway

It's like nothing in life

That I've ever known

Yes You love me anyway

Oh Lord, how You love me

How You love me

It took all of my strength

To simply be still

To seek but never find

The reasons we change

The reasons I doubt

And why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway

It's like nothing in life

That I've ever known

Yes You love me anyway

Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown

But You love me anyway

I am the sweat from Your brow

But You love me anyway

I am the nail in Your wrist

But You love me anyway

I am Judas' kiss

But You love me anyway

See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd

For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground

Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face

With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace

And then alone in the night I still call out for You

So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But you love me anyway

Oh God, how You love me

Yes You love me anyway

It's like nothing in life

That I've ever known

Yes You love me anyway

Oh Lord, how You love me

You love me

cousin

i have a cousin who i used to want as my older sister. when i was younger, i wanted to be just like her. she was talented in everything that she did and she would always do everything so gracefully and beautifully. she taught me how to make my very own paper dolls but i always wanted her dolls because she drew them so well. she learned how to french-braid her hair and make origami stars and things, and so naturally, i practiced french-braiding and bought an origami book. i copied everything that she did only because i looked up to her.

but one day, she made me so sad. i still remember that night... i was following her up the stairs and she turned around and said, "stop following me. stop copying me." i went back down the stairs and cried in the bathroom... i was so hurt. and since then, i vowed to never be like her again.

my cousin was (and still is) really smart. my mom started to compare me to her and told me to do this and that, "just like her." i hated that so much and my resentment towards my cousin grew. by the time i reached high school, i was so angry with her. at family gatherings, my cousin wouldn't really talk to me. at that time, i thought it was because she hated me but now i think it was because she and i didn't have much to talk about due to our different stages in life and because we were both really quiet and shy. but at that time, i was mad at her for not approaching me and talking to me first. i argued to my mom that since she's the older one, she should reach out to me. but my mom always said, "i don't think that's what you're really mad about. you've always had something against her and clearly, you're not over it."

as the years passed, my bitterness towards her gradually subsided and i started to make the effort in talking to her at family gatherings. it was difficult at times because i would always make the effort and she'd never try. but yesterday, she graduated from optometry school. i wasn't planning on attending because we aren't really close, but for some odd reason, i really wanted to go. and i am so glad that i did. she definitely was not expecting me or my other cousin to come to her graduation, and i could tell that she was genuinely happy to see us. she and i hugged for the first time ever. we hugged again when we said goodbye. it was so good. finally, after so many years, i am at peace with her. and i am so, so proud of her.

baby JD

i held baby JD for the first time yesterday.

(he's the son of the college 'pastor' at church)

he's only a month and a half years old but he's already so big!

his three-month-old clothes don't even fit him, haha.

he has crazy long legs.. i bet he's going to be a really good basketball player, hehe

ah, he's too adorable...!!

anyways.

as i was cradling this little fella in my arms, i was thinking...

baby JD, your mom had a really rough pregnancy. she suffered so much and everyone who saw her can testify to this. but even though you brought her so much pain, you are still so precious and so loved and so worth the pain. you little baby who just eats, sleeps, pees and poos... praise God for you, baby JD.

i know i'm too young to say this, and i know this may or may not be according to God's will... but... i want my own baby JD... heh heh... ho hum~

God is good

a lot of changes will be coming my way soon.

some have already begun.

i turned a year older. in hindsight, 24 is not a big number. but to me, i feel really, really old. i don't like it at all. i think it's because i'm still in the same situation as i was when i was 22. geez, seriously, where am i going with my life?

i'm going to be moving into a new apartment (tbd) with new girls (minus my current roommate) at the end of june. i'm not looking forward to the arduous labor of moving out but perhaps a change of scenery will be good for me. i will surely miss my crossroads apartment :(

i've officially started meeting up with my pastor's wife ('samoneem' in korean. 'smn' for short). i was hesitant to be her 'cubbie' only because i was afraid that she'd expect me to be more involved at church. i definitely had a reason to be afraid because on the first day of our meet up, the first thing she said to me was, "selena, you need to serve. i want you to serve." oh, dear me, as if i didn't have enough on my plate already. it's strange how her solution of helping me during my "crisis" is to commit to a ministry and to serve. my solutions were to either find a job, or continue studying, or go to grad school, etc. but here she was, advising me to serve the church. oh, dang it. how this will help me find my calling in life, i have noo idea. but... i know that this will only do good for me. it's just that... i... am being stubborn and i really don't want to be involved. because. i become really uncomfortable in group settings. oh, gosh, darn it -.-

my close peers will be leaving sd this summer. as much as i'm happy for them and excited to see them start a new chapter in their life, i selfishly want to plead with them to stay :'( how is it possible that all of my close friends will be leaving around the same time?! oh, goodness gracious...

our young adult group will have its own changes, too. some people (the ones i'm most closest with) are leaving, recent college grads will be joining, and the head/leader of the young adult group will most likely be leaving us, too. for the first time, i became comfortable with a 'pastor' (technically, he's not a pastor. but i don't know what else to call him) to the point where i shared so much with him. and now he's going to leave, after being with us for a year and a half. goshh, i don't want to see him go...!! >.<

the one change i'm looking forward to, though, is for God to change my heart. my depressed little heart that was soo consumed with the future. i have been so blinded by my doubts and insecurities about my future that i slipped away from God so much. future, future, future! that was ALL i could think about for the past several months. eventually, the future didn't matter anymore and i no longer lived in the present. life itself didn't matter at all and i still question the importance of life. big sigh.

what a crazy first half (almost) of 2011. ridiculous, really. but you know what? all of these changes, all of these trials, they're freakin' GOOD. why? because God is GOOD. He knows what He's doing and He's planned for all of this to happen in His GOOD timing. i may not comprehend any of it for i am a simpleton, but i do know that God is GOOD. and whatever He does will always be GOOD.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. -- Romans 8:28

24 (revised)

ironically, this year is probably one of the most sweetest and memorable birthdays i've ever had. i was pleasantly surprised by good friends who remembered my birthday even though i had deactivated my facebook. and although i had wished to and asked to be left alone on this day, my two very distinct groups of friends had come to church where i was studying to wish me a happy birthday. my close sisters surprised me at 6:30pm, and my brothers surprised me at 10:30pm.

i am still so very touched and i feel so undeserving of it all.

God, You are so good to me. thank You.

24

this year, i want to spend it with Him.

no cake, no friends, no delicious meals.

just Him.

why?

because...

i want to learn the importance of life.

and who better to teach me than the One who gave it to me?

i haven't been very appreciative of life;

actually, that's an understatement.

i've been welcoming the opposite of life.

and if i were to celebrate today with friends,

i'd only be a hypocrite and a fake.

how could i possibly be happy on a day that means nothing to me?

and so, because of this mentality,

i simply cannot celebrate it with anyone.

on this day, i want to be left alone with Him,

to be reminded of what life really means.

cake, friends, meals...

these things will only distract me

from grasping the truth and beauty of life.

i'm not trying to be emo,

i'm not trying to seek pity or sympathy,

i just want to be left alone

just me and my Maker.

fulfilled

in the present, there are three things i want to become:

(in no particular order)

1. a godly woman

2. a loving daughter

3. a loyal friend

(#4 and #5 will be in the way future)

i've been praying for these three things (on and off) during the past 2+ years, and one by one, they are being fulfilled. it hasn't been easy, but still, they're being fulfilled.

the trial for #2 has already come. the hardship happened over winter break, and it's not completely over, but now i know that God had presented me this past ordeal to show me how to be a loving a daughter. and since this revelation, my relationship with my parents have been amazingly better.

the trial for #3 just happened a few days ago. it seriously came out of nowhere! and it was definitely a heartbreaking period. at first, i thought that the situation was unnecessary, and i was frustrated that it had to happen. but more and more, it's becoming clear to me that God was using this opportunity to challenge my loyalty to a friend. i could've easily taken the easy road, taken the money, and "betray" a friend. if i had, i wouldn't be stuck looking for a new place to live, worry about extra expenses & paperwork, finding new roommates, and etc. and i wouldn't have to deal with all of this during a crucial time in my life. but no. i knew that the right thing to do was to be loyal to my good friend. a few hours after my crying session, it dawned on me that God was only helping me to fulfill my #3. crazy, huh? doing the right thing is always the hardest thing to do.

and finally, my #1. God gave me the courage to speak to my pastor's wife and to seek help. He has been bombarding me with so much misery all at once, knowing that eventually, i would break. and it worked. so, yesterday at church, i decided to join the "bears and cubs" program. one of the married women would be the "mama bear" and the "cub" would be a younger sister. my "mama bear" is the pastor's wife. ah, i'm still very nervous about being her "cub" only because of her title. but i know it will be good. and i know that God will use her to fulfill my #1.

you know, i used to wonder why every "bad" thing would have to happen all at once. i remember saying, "man, such bad timing!" but then i think about it more and i come to the understanding that there's a reason why everything happens all at once. there's no such thing as a "bad timing" because... God controls time. it's by His timing that things happen. and God is always so good; thus, His timing is always good, too.

thank You, Father...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. -- James 1:2-6

taeho's story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfL2U0BJ48g

the above youtube clip is about an 11-year-old boy named taeho who was born without any arms and only legs. he has a total of 8 disabilities and was abandoned by his mother. despite these obstacles at such a young age, his positive attitude and his "i-can-do-it!" mentality is what keeps him alive and cheery. he's so tiny and cute, and he also has a great sense of humor and shows a lot of affection. at such a young age, he exudes much confidence and admirable traits; he's definitely an inspiration.

9.11

sept 11, 2001. i remember that day. i was a freshman in high school and i was in my spanish 3 class. the principal came on-air and made the announcement about the devastating news. i came home after school and turned on the tv and every channel replayed the same scene over and over again -- the two planes crashing into the twin towers, one right after the other. my friend called me that day and we were hysterical. "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" that lasted for a good 30-35 minutes. we chattered about how this day would be a historical event, and that we couldn't believe we were alive to witness this. i remember my mom coming home from work around 6pm as she normally did. i kept jumping up and down, not really knowing what was going on in the world and how this cruel calamity came about.

fast forward 10 years. and today marks the death of the man who was the mastermind of 9/11. this is to you, the families of the dead, the soldiers who bravely fought and sought after him. after 10 years, justice has been done.

"Here is my servant, whom I uphold,

my chosen one in whom I delight;

I will put my Spirit on him

and he will bring justice to the nations.

He will not shout or cry out,

or raise his voice in the streets.

A bruised reed he will not break,

and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;"

-- Isaiah 42:1-3

IT

you can keep searching for happiness in this world by means of people, wealth, fame, love, etc. but in the end, everything will become meaningless and you'll feel like you're a walking zombie -- alive yet dead inside. you'll find yourself saying, "i don't care" about everything and one day, you won't even care that you don't care. and after you've reached that point, you'll question life and try to look for something that you think is missing in your life. so then, what is IT that we need in our lives? what is the IT factor that will give us hope and joy and a willingness to continue living on this earth?

God.

God is the ultimate "IT."

HE is the One who completes us.

HE is the One who fulfills our every needs.

HE is the One who brings us THE ultimate joy.

so, stop looking

and go to Him.

He has already found you

and is waiting for you to walk with Him.

None but Jesus

In the quiet, in the stillness

I know that You are God

In the secret of Your presence

I know there I am restored

When You call I won't refuse

Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me

None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free

Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion

I know You're Sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won't delay

This is my song through all my days

All my delight is in You, Lord

All of my hope, all of my strength

All my delight is in You, Lord

Forevermore