cousin

i have a cousin who i used to want as my older sister. when i was younger, i wanted to be just like her. she was talented in everything that she did and she would always do everything so gracefully and beautifully. she taught me how to make my very own paper dolls but i always wanted her dolls because she drew them so well. she learned how to french-braid her hair and make origami stars and things, and so naturally, i practiced french-braiding and bought an origami book. i copied everything that she did only because i looked up to her.

but one day, she made me so sad. i still remember that night... i was following her up the stairs and she turned around and said, "stop following me. stop copying me." i went back down the stairs and cried in the bathroom... i was so hurt. and since then, i vowed to never be like her again.

my cousin was (and still is) really smart. my mom started to compare me to her and told me to do this and that, "just like her." i hated that so much and my resentment towards my cousin grew. by the time i reached high school, i was so angry with her. at family gatherings, my cousin wouldn't really talk to me. at that time, i thought it was because she hated me but now i think it was because she and i didn't have much to talk about due to our different stages in life and because we were both really quiet and shy. but at that time, i was mad at her for not approaching me and talking to me first. i argued to my mom that since she's the older one, she should reach out to me. but my mom always said, "i don't think that's what you're really mad about. you've always had something against her and clearly, you're not over it."

as the years passed, my bitterness towards her gradually subsided and i started to make the effort in talking to her at family gatherings. it was difficult at times because i would always make the effort and she'd never try. but yesterday, she graduated from optometry school. i wasn't planning on attending because we aren't really close, but for some odd reason, i really wanted to go. and i am so glad that i did. she definitely was not expecting me or my other cousin to come to her graduation, and i could tell that she was genuinely happy to see us. she and i hugged for the first time ever. we hugged again when we said goodbye. it was so good. finally, after so many years, i am at peace with her. and i am so, so proud of her.