thanksgiving 2014

this year, i was challenged in so many ways.  it was definitely one of the more difficult years i've ever had, and as i approach a new year, more trials seem to spring up in the remaining month of this year.

from an unbeliever's point of view, i think it would be hard to be thankful for this year.  but praise God, as a believer, i am incredibly thankful that 2014 has been THE year that i got to experience God the most.  i have never experienced His Spirit so alive in my heart; my whole body shivers in such delight and amazement.  in each wilderness i had to face (and am currently facing), God has been walking with me, side by side, grasping my hand firmly.  and telling me, "just walk with Me."

thankYou, Father, for never leaving my side. You've been drawing me closer to You, helping me see more of You in my life.  You are covering me with Your grace and protection, and You always have been.  without a doubt, the many challenges You gave me was for my own good, and i truly believe this.  thankYou for this year, for all of the highs and lows.  thankYou for awakening my soul and keeping me spiritually alive.  more of You, and less of me.

who are You, God?

so many things have happened since my last entry in june.  i would love to write everything out but my purpose to visit this blog was to write about one thing:

i am bestfriend-less.

as i was watching God transform me in this past year, i was also noticing that i was becoming distant with someone who i claimed was my bestfriend.  it bothered me that i was feeling this way and i couldn't exactly pinpoint the reason as to why i would cringe at the word, "bestfriend," each time i described her to someone.  i was rejoicing at the fact that i was being drawn closer to God, but did this mean that i was being drawn away from her? (ESPECIALLY bc she is a nonbeliever)

during today's morning prayer, it hit me that i now understand why i've been feeling this way for quite some time now. it's bc God wants to be my bestfriend, and i want Him to be my bestfriend, too.  but what's preventing this from coming true is my struggle with His physical absence.  i know He's always present in my life, but i feel like His intangible-ness keeps me from having a deeper friendship with Him.

i guess i just want to know Him more on a personal level...

first day back in LA

God had prepared me for this day. and He did good.
the old has passed and the new has come.
i'm ready.

not of this world!

live for something greater!

live for someOne higher!

nobody but You!

nothing else but You!

:) You are the center of my joy~~

separated

i wonder if this is how he felt all along...

Usher -- Separated

If love was a bird

Then we wouldn't have wings

If love was a sky

We'd be blue

If love was a choir

You and I could never sing

Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar

You and I could never win

Cause we can never act out our parts

If love is the Bible

Then we are lost in sin

Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way

And I'll go mine

Live your life, and I'll live mine

Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine

Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire

Then we have lost the spark

Love never felt so cold

If love was a light

Then we're lost in the dark

Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport

We're not on the same team

You and I are destined to lose

If love was an ocean

Then we are just a stream

Cause love isn't for me and you

Girl I know we had some good times

It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye

Girl you know I love you, I can't deny

I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I

I know it hurts so much but it's best for us

Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust

So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry

It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way

And I'll go mine

Live your life, and I'll live mine

Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine

Cause we're better off, separated

healing

suddenly, things seem a lot more clear..
i feel more care-free and alive..

i think i'm healing...
:)
God is good~

1 Samuel 3

two nights ago, i had a dream where "1 Sam 3" appeared.  when i woke up the next morning, i looked up the passage and it was about how God called Samuel.  before God had called out to Samuel (and at this time, he was a young boy), Samuel did not know God and He had never revealed Himself to this boy.  this passage was a pivotal moment for Samuel because he was being called by God for the first time. God spoke to him and appeared Himself before him.  after the calling, He was with Samuel while he was growing up and eventually, Samuel became a prophet of God.  at the end of the passage, it is mentioned that God had once again appeared before Samuel and He revealed Himself through His word.

a month and few days ago, i had a very powerful, poignant dream that had left me speechless and even to this day, that particular dream has left me (and those whom i've told) in wondrous awe.  i don't know where i stand in terms of spiritual gifts but i couldn't help but wonder if this was a prophetic dream?  looking back on that dream, and now looking back at my most recent dream, i wonder... is God speaking to me?

for a few weeks now, i've been indulged in prayer and His word and it's been soo good. and i've been asking for more of His word, more of His love, more of His wisdom.  anything and everything that would TRANFORM me and my heart.  anything and everything that would teach me the meaning of perfect love (1 John 4:18).  the night that i had the dream about 1 Sam 3, before going to sleep, i had prayed to God and asked Him to equip me with scripture.  and most surely, that night, He did.

this coming friday will mark the one month since the breakup.  it's definitely been... challenging and interesting. and strangely encouraging all at the same time.  friends have been saying that i've been handling it very well.  and one particular sister has commented that i'm "such a witness." (??) haha.. mm.. but aside from what others have said, i thank God wholeheartedly for keeping me strong and faithful to Him.  and now, speaking to me in ways that i had never dreamed of.

God, You are soo good.

i give all glory and praise to You~

keep making me

Sidewalk Prophets - Keep Making Me

Make me broken

So I can be healed

'Cause I'm so calloused

Now I can't feel

I want to run to You

With heart wide open

Make me broken

Make me empty

So I can be filled

'Cause I'm still holding

Onto my will

And I'm completed

When You are with me

Make me empty

'Til You are my One desire

'Til You are my One true love

'Til You are my breath

My everything

Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely

So I can be Yours

'Til I want no one

More than You, Lord

'Cause in the darkness

I know You will hold me

Make me lonely

'Til You are my One desire

'Til You are my One true love

'Til You are my breath

My everything

Lord, please keep making...

I know You'll keep making...

Lord, please keep making me

the words to this song are so powerful. how often do we pray for such things?

"make me broken.. make me empty.. make me lonely.. keep making me"

in my whole life, i've never asked for such things. but i also never felt compelled to because through all the trials that i've gone through and will go through, i feel like each trial has made me broken, empty, and lonely.

but whether or not i pray for these things, it's my response to them that matters. do i see the beauty and the significance in my brokeness, the emptiness, and the loneliness? do i rejoice in these things, being fully aware that all these "supposedly bad things" draw me closer to God?

what a powerful prayer/song the above is. true wisdom, too.

embrace all of it

"do not be scared to face the trials in your life but embrace them."  -- friend

"joy does not simply happen to us. we have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day."  -- henri nouwen

"it's suppose to hurt -- that's how you know it meant something." -- peter and the starcatcher

"there's always an open heaven upon you and the first thing God says to you every waking moment is, 'you are My beloved daughter, and I am pleased with you." -- friend

"Holy Spirit is not only suppose to lead you out of the wilderness but to purify you through the wilderness ... Jesus needed the Holy Spirit -- how much more do we need it." -- pastor miles of rock church

"i asked myself,
'can i marry this girl?'
and the answer was,
no."

the beauty of God (pt. 2)

i came on my blog to write about how i've been seeing the beauty of God in a break-up but i see that my last entry was about how i was experiencing the beauty of God through a relationship... oh, how funny.

is it strange to say that this particular break-up is much more beautiful than the relationship itself? so much good has been coming out of it. at first, i was so blinded by the pain and the hurt and the oh-so-many questions (oh my, the questions) to see God's love in this... but after the first week of nonstop crying, after grasping the reality of it all, i can't help but firmly believe that this break-up is sooo right and it was meant to happen.

early in the relationship, i had a gut feeling that this was suppose to end because i couldn't think of a better, a heart-wrenching trial in my life that would draw me closer to God, to help me grow in my faith, and to experience a deeper and more intimate relationship with Him. for a few days before the break-up, i had prayed to God to show me more of His love and blessings in my life, and to help me hunger and thirst for Him and Him alone. God was very quick to respond and He answered my prayers through this break-up (note to self: be careful on what and how you pray).

this break-up is really beautiful and yet, inexplicable. God has poured so much of His love through my family and friends. He knows that i couldn't face it alone and because He wants me to conquer this battle, He has provided so much support along the way. He's also been purifying me and disciplining me in prayer and word (Heb 12:11). He's also rebuked me in that i need to have a loving and forgiving heart (Eph 4:29, 32). most importantly, though, i'm seeing how the Spirit is as equally important as the Father and Son (Rom 8:2-6). these are just a few things that i have come to realize... the longer list is tucked away somewhere else, haha.

mm... i still wonder why it had to end, though. so suddenly, too. thought everything was going well... there were no fights, no arguments... just a whole bunch of God's provision.. and to be honest, sometimes i wonder if i did something wrong. or i was just not good enough. or we were not compatible enough. regardless, i know God has a reason for everything. so, i blindly trust in Him. again and again, i will follow. no questions asked.

thankYou, Jesus.

to be able to experience Your beauty in the "ugly trials" of my life..

to be able to walk in faith.

to stand firm and obey Your Word.

to accept and move on.

thankYou, Jesus.

that it was a healthy break-up.

that he was a faithful and devoted man of God.

that we can remain as friends.

that we are both being drawn closer to You.

thankYou, Jesus.

for Your love and blessings.

for Your overflowing Spirit.

for Your grace and strength.

for who You are.

the beauty of God

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that I will seek after:
that I may dwell in the
house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of
the Lord
and to inquire in His temple.
-- Psalm 27:4

lately, i've been finding myself with tears in my eyes because i've been so overwhelmed with gratitude towards God.  it's through a special relationship that i'm seeing what it means to share God's love with someone and to be like Jesus to them. i'm so amazed by God's presence in this relationship -- He is so alive that i actually see His good works unraveling before me.

and it's through all of this that i'm seeing, experiencing, craving God's beauty. it's not a physical beauty that i'm attracted to nor that i can define, but it's His always-providing, always-loving character that consumes me and leaves me in tears of joy and thankfulness.

God is beautiful.  i never understood how Christians used this adjective to describe God since none of us can actually see His physical being.  but i think i understand now.. it wasn't His physical appearance that they were referring to but that it was His character, His nature, His whole-being.

this relationship... it's been interesting.  who would've thought that i would be experiencing and tasting God's love more and more through a relationship with a boy? weird. yet. really, really good :)

the small details

what is it about the very minute details that women are so attentive about? and if a man doesn't notice the same small details, it drives the woman crazy and in the end, she feels unloved.

one woman argued, "it's common sense! why can't he see that?!"
but is it really common sense? it can be common sense to women, but to men, i truly believe that they're oblivious. so, how do you resolve the issue?

i feel like my part-time job is of one being a psychologist, trying to resolve one of the universal and mysterious differences between men and women.

... i have yet to find an answer.

rainy days

there's something about listening to r&b and sipping on a warm cup of tea on a cold, rainy day...

i don't know what it is. but it makes my whole body melt.

safe in His arms

as humans, we have so many fears...

fear of not having enough.
fear of not succeeding in life.
fear of failing.
as a son. a daughter. a friend. a student. a significant other. a parent. an employee. or an employer.
fear of being inadequate.
fear of being judged.
fear of people. and society as a whole.
fear of not being accepted.
fear of breaking up.
fear of being abandoned.
fear of being hurt.
fear of not being loved.

....and so many more....

and with these fears, our normal tendency is to find security.
but security in...

money. jobs. friends. relationships. people. school. reputation. status. fancy cars. fancy clothes. food. etc, etc.

but do any of these things truly bring any value, any real joy to us??
no. not at all. these things only bring temporary satisfaction that only make us desire for more. and more. and more. NONE of these things completely free us from our fears, insecurities, doubts and uncertainties.

aren't you tired of having these fears in your life? tired of trying to run away from them, or trying to replace them with things that are so fleeting?

i know i am.
i'm so TIRED of it all.
so DRAINED from it all.
so SICK of it all.

so what to do?

find security in GOD! seek your safe haven in HIM. because through Him, your fears will be washed away. as He brings you closer and closer to Him, you'll receive peace. and rest. and confidence.
all your troubles, your worries, your anxieties... ALL of these things have NO place in His home.

so GO to Him. RUN towards Him. He's there, waiting for you. waiting to embrace you, hold you, and protect you. unlike the other so-called securities in life, God will never, ever leave you. He'll always be with you.
forever.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

-- Isaiah 41:10

stick figures

how come my stick figures don't come out as cute as these ones...?

risks

...this is why i don't like to take risks...

feelin a bit blue~

communication is key!

or so i'm told

but...

what if the words i say

are simply dumb and stupid?

and what if the other can't comprehend?

then i just feel like a fool.

sigh.

i feel a bit blue~

physical appearance

when things seem to go so blissfully well, God likes to "mess it up" by creating a new challenge.
this time, it has to do with physical appearance/the whole body in general, which is completely beyond my control.
ughhhh. being a girl is so hard!
and painful.  T.T

appreciation

i'm learning that there's a difference between the words "like" and "appreciate." i feel like liking someone can be a little bit superficial (ex: "i like them because they're nice) while appreciating someone goes beyond the superficial things. i also think that when you begin to appreciate someone, you feel even more blessed to have them in your life.

reflecting back on 2013

two thousand thirteen was a beautiful, eye-opening year. from january to december, God was present in my life in ALL things. He blessed me with:

-- a top 10 graduate school

-- a passion for nonprofits

-- a direction in life

-- a church in LA

-- the delicious foods and the city of LA (a city that i had once strongly hated and refused to stand foot in)

-- deeper relationships with friends and family members

-- a job offer at an accounting firm that has a strong presence in the nonprofit sector

-- an opportunity to get involved with and meet the jubilee project (my dream came true.. unbelievable)

-- a courage to pray for family meals

-- a trip to texas and bahamas

-- rockets vs clippers game (jeremy lin! woot!)

-- challenges that made me face my insecurities/fears that i never once thought i'd ever have to deal with

-- someone really special

what i've learned from this past year is the meaning of dependence.  through all the trials that i had to face, no one could comfort me the way God did.  at times, there was really no one to turn to for help, and there wasn't anyone in particular that i could ask for help other than God.  i feel as though i cried out to God so many times this past year, more so than any of the previous years. actually, yeaaaa... i cried A LOTTT... but a lot of those tears were tears of joy :) i've never had soo many tears of joy before, haha. i guess it's true that the older you become, the more sensitive you are....? shrug.

2014... makes me anxious. i have to revisit the "inner demons" again... not looking forward to facing them... but hopefully, this time around, things will be different. hopefully.

giving it ALL to You, Jesus.