alone

there once was a little girl who grew up all alone. all she had were her parents but they were rarely there for her. she liked school a lot because she didn't feel so alone there. she had friends to play with and talk to. but when she came home, she was reminded of how empty her life was. all she had was mister bear to give her comfort.

as this little girl grew up into a young lady, she learned that mister bear can't do much except give good hugs. she watched her parents grow old and frail. she saw her friends getting married off one by one, creating their own families. she realized that sooner or later, she may possibly be alone forever. she hoped that she, too, would be able to find a family she could call her own.

soon, this young lady turned into an old woman. the old age got the better of her parents... her friends all moved away from her and were too busy being moms and dads... she never found mister right. or maybe there was never a mister right for her. once again, except this time it was for forever, she was all alone with only mister bear to give her comfort.

it was only just a dream.....

a breath of fresh air

i'm finally at peace :) it feels soooo good. i've learned how to forgive and to love a person. that's HUGE! have you ever had to forgive someone who has wronged you? and not only forgive them, but genuinely love them and still care for them?

the bible teaches us to love and to forgive. it's so easy to hear this and nod in agreement. but actually applying this concept to a real-life situation?! oh my gosh. it's not as easy as you think. the journey is so painful and awfully discouraging. but when it finally comes to the end, it feels amazinggg. it's like this:

let's say you're trapped in a very tiny closet and you're running out of air. you're screaming for help but no one can hear you. you're panicking and fearing the worst, sweating and trembling in angst. but after what seems like hours, your hero saves you from the closet and you breathe in a new fresh of air. that first new breath of fresh air feels like heaven, doesn't it? you feel alive and rejuvenated.

that's what i'm feeling right now :) throughout my journey, i had a lot of emo moments and i endured a lot of pain. i knew that i wanted to be rid of it and the only way i could possibly do that was to seek God and ask Him for peace. but God wasn't going to just give me peace. He wanted me to earn that peace, and the only way to do that was to forgive and love this kid.

after so many months of feeling suffocated, i'm now able to breathe in my new breath of fresh air. thank You, Jesus.

epiphany #2

i remember writing about my first epiphany about a year ago. that epiphany was about how i realized that i never loved God. man. that was such an incredible lesson...

anyway, i had another huge epiphany last night and it brought me to happy tears. i learned that i shouldn't be idolizing friendships (in this case, christian friendships) and that if it is God's will that i am no longer to be close to someone, then it's totally okay. we may not have an earthly friendship, but we still have a heavenly relationship -- one that is eternal and forever. he/she will always be my brother/sister in Christ. we're still united by Christ's blood. how awesome is that?! totally awesome.

this past week, i had a lot of time to myself to think, reflect, pray, and meditate on His Word. for the past x months, i've been looking for peace, looking for an answer, and last night, God answered my prayer. it was so good. i've come to peace with myself and a certain kid. i can honestly say that as a sister-in-Christ, i love this kid.

thank You, Jesus :)

on my mind

i came back from a good bible study tonight. it made me think a lot. but now i have all these thoughts floating in my head that i'm just going to write them all out:

-- Christ's blood has given us eternal redemption. He has cleansed our conscience and has forgiven our sins. we've been purified inside and out! purified! but knowing all of this, i still feel so guilty and so filthy and so dirty. will i ever feel the cleansing of His blood?

-- as humans, we focus so much on how we appear before man. we focus so much on the external part first, and then we work on the internal part. but in order for the outside to be clean, we ought to be clean on the inside. to God, it is the internal changing of the heart that He wants to see. my heart has yet to change enough to be pleasing to His eyes. i have so much to work on.

-- my jundo (what is this in english? pastor-to-be?) is a good guy. although he's very sarcastic and often times, i have no idea how to approach his humor, he's still a good guy. he never fails to ask how i'm doing, he never fails to ask for my prayer requests... our young adult group is very blessed to have him. i hope he never reads this, haha.

-- a christian friendship should be glorifying to God. it should be edifying to both people as they support one another, and it should build each other up in Him. so, what happens if a christian friendship is not like this at all? should the 2 people break off the friendship and go their separate ways?

-- lost.

the heart of the matter

forgiveness.

India Arie -- The Heart of the Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I want a happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh gets weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

i forgive you

i've been in a disheartened mood these days, and i hit the lowest of my lows last night. dang, i can become hysterical so easily. to those who witnessed my insanity: i'm so sorry.

someone hurt me a lot. but how can just one single person have such a crazy impact on me? the only person who should leave a mark on me is JESUS. freakin' a. this one human being, who is worth NOTHING at all compared to my Savior, has gravely caused me so much heartache. it's ridiculous! I'M ridiculous. I'M an idiot. I'M so stupid.

i've been so angry with a fellow child of God. i've said some hateful things about this kid and i didn't care. but is it right of me to say such things about someone who loves God so much? who God loves so much? if God can love this kid, if Jesus can die for this kid, then how in the world can i hate someone that my Holy Father loves??

so what if someone hurt me. i'm sure i hurt people all the time, too. for sure, i know i disappoint my parents over and over and over again.... and yet they forgive me when i don't deserve their forgiveness at all.

so to this kid who i've been struggling with for the past x months.... i forgive you. no longer will i be hating you but i'll be showing you love. no longer will i let you bring me pain but i'm going to find peace in you. i'm going to be a really, really good sister to you. hahaha, it's funny to imagine your facial expression when i go up to you and enthusiastically say, "hii!!!!" hehehe, you're going to be so surprised. you might not even know what to think of it. you may even be scared of it. hahaha~

love.

love.

love.

the most powerful emotion. the most difficult thing to do. LOVE.

Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. -- 1 John 2:9-10

lead me

Brooke Fraser - Lead Me to the Cross

Savior I come

Quiet my soul remember

Redemptions hill

Where Your blood was spilled

For my ransom

Everything I once held dear

I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross

Where Your love poured out

Bring me to my knees

Lord I lay me down

Rid me of myself

I belong to You

Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I

Tempted and trialed

You are

The word became flesh

Bore my sin and death

Now You're risen

To your heart

To your heart

Lead me to your heart

Lead me to your heart