a look back on 2011

i can't believe it's almost 2012 already. seriously, where did the time go?? this year, especially, seemed to have zoomed by within a blink of an eye. zoom!

what happened in 2011...

-- first baseball & basketball game

-- glee concert

-- fun san diego outings thanks to sammy

-- trip to CT/Boston/Washington DC

-- cousin daniel's wedding --> seeing his family for the first time since 8 or 9 years.

-- lunch with cousin moses & josh--> also been a couple of years since i last saw them

-- christmas eve with mom's side of the family (minus parents)--> cousin annie's engagement news!

-- harry potter marathon with cousin maria, aretha, john :) 19hrs 40mins.

-- mom's hatred of white hairs

-- first half of 2011 = depression; questioning life

-- volunteer for VITA & irvine internship for cpa office

-- no more cpa exams. yes to gmat and grad school

-- part-time accounting assistant

-- mama bear samoneem and cubbie sister esther

-- pepper spray

-- bible reading with katrina (to be completed in a year)

-- more constant struggles with the christian identity

-- thanksgiving with angela's beautiful family

-- unpleasant douche

-- fear of commitment

-- made a vow: no "bad" namjs.

-- deaths of osama bin laden & kim jong il

-- bye to la jolla. hello to mira mesa.

-- seeing more of the sinner in me

overall, 2011 was a decent year. it was very tough in the first half, but towards the later 6 months, things began to turn around. i think one of the more desirous resolutions for 2012 is for diligence in everything: studies, work, grad apps, DT, and relationships. i also really want to fear my sins and really struggle with them and not simply overlook them. i want to learn how to be patient and loving and genuinely kind. i want to keep my vow and run away from douches. i want to be more confident and unwavering in my identity. 2012 will be a busy year and i hope i'll remain focused.

merry Christmas!

last year's winter holidays was a crazy, teary mess. but for this year, i eagerly awaited to come home and be joyful during this time of year. and i'm really happy to say that so far, it's been great! i'm glad i got to see my mom's side of the family and celebrate Christmas eve with them. it's been over a year since i've seen all my cousins and this may be the last year that we can celebrate Christmas altogether. i'm really glad i got to partake in the family gathering this year.

thankYou, Jesus.

oppa

the same oppa who washed my feet with soap last year... sent me an early christmas gift. he got me pepper spray because he knows that i work late at night, all by myself in the lonely office... i've always wanted an older brother and so, i'm really lucky to have this brother in my life. thankyou, oppa.. :')

show them grace

"why do you keep expecting them to do the right thing?"

"...."

why DO i expect them to do the right thing?

is it because they're christians?

i consider myself to be a pessimist but when it comes to people, i find myself trying to find the good in them. why do i do that? why do i set myself up for disappointment?

i shouldn't expect anything. i shouldn't have hopes for anyone.

let God do His thing with His children.

as for me, i need to learn how to imitate God's love and His grace.

happy december!

whee whee whee!!! i've been waiting for this month for soo long... not because i'm in a christmas spirit (hardly), but because i get to go home soon and see my family and friends who i've missed verry much!! ahh, i can't wait!! i've been counting down the weeks since november! 3 more weeks!! ahh!! normally, i'd say that time flies by very quickly but lately, i've been feeling like time is going by so slowlyyy... mister Time, please let me see my family and friends soon!! :D

...oh my... 2011 is almost over!!

woah. o.O

a letter

not written by me but i like it a lot so i'm reblogging it. thank you, sister tin-tin, for this :)

Dear Brothers,

Us girls are often the ones who want affirmation and encouragement, but you guys need it just as much as we do! We don’t do it enough. We appreciate who you all are, and want you all to know how much you guys are important to us. Sometimes we try so hard to get your attention and to get you guys to like us, without taking into account how much you guys try to impress us. All those weights you lift, the gel, the overly recited words, thank you for all of it. It may seem like every girl that exists is on the hunt for their Taylor Lautner, but we guarantee you that’s not true. With a real girl, it takes much more than tan skin and muscles to capture our attention.

The population of respectful, kind gentleman is almost extinct and being replaced with these hungry hormonal animals who see us as walking meat to devour. It’s disgusting. Instead of seeing us as daughters of a King, we’re just this “game” to play. We don’t want to be just another number. We have names, and would like to be called by our names. If you think “babe, baby, hot-stuff etc.” is cute? Have some class. We appreciate the boys who look from our chins and up, thank you. Respect our bodies, respect our dignity, and respect our purity.

If God can resurrect Jesus from the dead, He can also bring back chivalry from the grave. That’s right, we NOTICE if you open the door for us and have manners! Not all of us are uptight picky perfectionists, but some decent manners would be nice. Nothing’s more attractive than a boy who has respect and class. We notice when a guy uses the same line over and over to every girl just to win their hearts. Be original, save your hearts and words, and be careful who you invest your time in. If you’re not interested, don’t mess with our hearts! Don’t play with love and emotions; it isn’t funny to be crying over someone who didn’t mean a word they said. FYI, not all of us like to be called “hot and sexy.” There are many other lovely adjectives that make us melt. If you haven’t noticed, we like to usually talk a lot, even the ones that may seem a bit quieter. Start conversations with us! It’s so refreshing when we talk to guys that will converse about life, and nice things and not just the perverted stuff. We notice a guy who isn’t ashamed to talk about his faith, and are humble when sharing. Strength isn’t always in the muscles, but rather in the soul and mind. Sincerity and sensitivity are big points when it comes to traits we admire and long for. We’re very emotional at times, some days more than others, and some sweet understanding and kind words can change a whole girls day. Don’t be afraid to be cheesy and say nice things if they’re on your mind. If you want to win our hearts over, be honest with us, and be genuine. Sometimes the moments we’re quietest is when we’re in need the most to speak and be listened to. Some of us are shyer than others. It doesn’t always mean we don’t want to talk to you. We just may be afraid of what you’ll think and say. Nerves go on both sides of the spectrum. Don’t only reach out to the girls who are out there and confidant; some of us are waiting for you to break the ice.

The definition of Prince Charming isn’t always the same with every girl. What we want more than anything is someone whose heart is gold, and cares about us. A boy who encourages us, and is a leader for his brothers. Someone who loves God more than sports and cars. Someone who will place the Lord as His number one. Someone who seeks Him, to find us. A guy we can see Christ shine through. We sometimes become so desperate for the approval of boys, whether the cost is our bodies, souls or hearts. Please become the great man God wants you to be so we have more to choose from than all the jerks in the world. Each of you has potential to become something great, to be used to do remarkable and courageous things. We see it in all of you, and want you to see it too. We want to be encouraging and to support you. We want to be your comfort when the world is overwhelming. We want to be great daughters, sisters, friends, and someday wives for you guys. We will do our best, and expect you to as well. We thank you for being a man of Christ, and for being authentic. We are aware of the pressures, the expectations, the struggles and the temptations you face. Keep on fighting the battles life throws at you, for God will bless you tremendously if you stay faithful to Him. Never give up, keep on going, because we’re right here to catch you if you fall and to talk about your feelings (haha). We’ll be your sweethearts, we’ll be the girl of your dreams; but first become the man of ours. We love you to no end.

Sincerely,

Your Sisters in Christ

i feel the most safe when..

i'm reading His word while listening to soft christian music and sipping on a warm cup of tea :)

God-centered family

there's such a significant difference between a family who loves God versus a family who doesn't know God. to hear about families having family worship at a certain time of the night, to see a family overflowing with God's love... i want that. i really want it.

there's no such thing as a perfect family. but last night, i couldn't help but feel like i was witnessing THE perfect family. the perfect parents, the perfect kids, the perfect home. and i couldn't help but think, this is all because of their undying love and devotion for God. His presence fills their entire household. what an amazing blessing it is to see the Holy Spirit living within this beautiful family.

i'm still in awe.

happy thanksgiving

this is my first thanksgiving away from home. ohh, i'm pretty saddened by this. i absolutely love spending thanksgiving with my immediate and extended family. i'm not sure what it is about this holiday but my cousins and i have soo much fun together. i'm going to miss out on our traditional yearly family portrait but i hope they know that i'm there in spirit :')

i'm thankful for a lot of things: my loving parents, beautiful sisters, genuine brothers, jobs, church, yag, mama bear samoneem, my dt girl, extended family, warm water (i was showering the other day and the water stopped running for 10mins. the little necessities in life that we tend to forget..), and the list goes on.

but in particular, i am most thankful for my life and my identity. i know that my recent posts have consistently been about my complaints of how difficult it is to live a life as a christian but as i reflect on it more, i am SO thankful for these struggles. i'd rather be struggling as a christian than never having accepted God in my life. so, i thank You, God, for accepting me. for loving me. for protecting me. for saving me. thank You, God, for my salvation.

"He loves us not because of who we are but in spite of who we are." amen.

sonnet 116

Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

William Shakespeare (1609)

tug-of-war

people need to stop telling me what to do. if you're a good friend of mine, then why are you advising me to do something that is just so not me? do you not know who i am?! after all these years, do you really not know me at all?? grr...

... or maybe who i'm really angry at is myself. why do i care so much about what people think of me? when can i stand up for myself and my own beliefs? when will i learn to stand firmly in my identity? will i one day let peer pressure get the better of me? dang, i hope not.

it's not easy to live in this secular world as a christian. it's much harder than i had imagined. and it's only getting harder. i've now come to a point where i finally see why it's hard to be friends with non-christians. i know that i seem very odd to them. i know that i'm thought of as very uptight and too conservative for them. and naive and "innocent." i know that they're frustrated with me; i know that they think i'm not "living the life." what does that even mean, "living the life?" getting trashed, making out, hooking up with whoever... is that what it is?

i feel like there are two of me and they're playing tug-of-war. each of them are trying to please different groups of people: the non-christians and the christians. the non-christians are pressuring me to join their lifestyle and the christians... well, they're not saying anything but they don't need really to say anything, anyway. yep, there's a tug-of-war inside of me. what a headache and a heartache.

sigh. i really do feel like an oddball. never would i have thought that the once quiet, calm, sweet girl and the nerdy, always-wearing-plaid shirts guy would tell me to go have fun and experience life. never would i have thought that i would be the "weird" one in the group. surprise, surprise.

run away

"with those types of guys, run away from them. run as far as you can from them."

-- b.so

siblings

here i am, wanting a sibling soo bad...

and then here are these people who could care less about their siblings..

do you not know how blessed you are to have someone of the same blood as you?!

why do you hold your grudges, why do you continue to be stubborn, why can't you put your pride down? even for just a little bit??

sigh. it breaks my heart to see families cut ties from each other just because of some stupid sibling rivalry or quarrel..

i went to a cousin's wedding yesterday and i couldn't help but tear up during and after the ceremony because.. i couldn't help thinking about my immediate and extended family.. they would've wanted to be a part of this beautiful ceremony, i just know it. despite all the anger and tension that they might have with each other, i'm sure that if they had attended this event, or if some had been invited, i'm sure their anger could've subsided for at least an hour.. how heartbreaking it is that these siblings are filled with so much hurt and hatred towards each other.. it pains me soo much.. and it also drives me crazy because they're seriously taking each other for granted. sigh. siblings. i really wish i had one..

commitment

i always feel so refreshed and joyful after my meetups with samoneem. i feel really silly at times when i share some of my thoughts because i sound very childlike but she is always so understanding, so patient, and so accepting of me. she's so great, really. and funny, too! i never thought i'd ever have this type of relationship with an older woman but she's made it pretty comfortable for me to be open, honest, and vulnerable.

one thing that i'm learning about myself is that i'm terrified of commitment. i never thought i was so scared but i actually tremble at the thought of being committed to something or someone. and even more so, i'm scared of being 100% committed to God. i really did not see that coming at all, but it's true. i'm scared to commit because i'd have to try THAT much harder to live in His image. so many of us christians are not 100% committed. so many of us still want to "have fun" and enjoy and try everything the world has to offer. that's not a bad thing, but how far will you go?

mm.. i'm not ready for commitment. i'm not strong nor brave enough for commitment. but i want to try. because. i want my identity in Him to be securely grounded. i want my foundation to be built on the Rock, not sand (Matthew 7:24-27). i took this step of asking samoneem to be my mama bear, to help me and guide me on my spiritual walk with God. i took the first step. and you know what? i am so glad that i did :)

crunchy leaves

i went on a trip to the east coast to visit my best friend for a week. it's my last day here in New Haven, CT and i'm pretty sad to leave this place. my east coast trip has been so relaxing and fun, but the best part of my trip was the fact that i could spend so much quality time with my friend. it was also really nice to see other familiar faces in the east, too, and it was a huge plus that i finally, finally got to jump on a pile of crunchy leaves. i'm glad i came here during the autumn season; i absolutely love seeing the yellow, orange, and red leaves gently falling from the trees.

but in 24hours, i have to go back. i really don't want to; quite frankly, i'm scared to. speaking of being scared, it seems that many of those around me are feeling a bit scared. my best friend included. it's natural to be scared of something but how you approach your fears is what matters in the end. ah, i wish i can stay here longer and spend more time with my crunchy leaves...

i'm one of them

i've been wanting them to change for some time now.

i find something wrong with them and i blame them for being who they are.

and then i wonder why i've met them, these people who are no bueno for me.

but now i see that i am no better than them.

the things that they struggle with... are the things that i struggle with.

they've come into my life not for me to change them,

but to see who i am through them;

to change myself.

am i really any better than them?

i thought i was,

but i learned that i'm not.

i struggle, too.

i struggle with my identity.

i'm constantly battling my inner demons.

but like them, i want to ignore everything and "have fun."

these people whom i've met...

i will no longer blame. i will no longer label as "bad."

because these people whom i've met...

i'm just like them.

it took me quite some time to learn this lesson,

how sinful, how wretched, how ungodly i've been.

so what to do now?

continue playing or continue praying?

it's up to me.

superman's words of wisdom

"you know what i try to remind myself when i feel like our society judges us when we don't act like the rest of the world? i ask myself, 'well, how does God see me right now?' by asking myself how He sees me, i could care less about how society views me. this comforts me because i know that at least God is pleased with me."

"ask yourself this: is he the one you would want to marry? if the answer is no, or there's hesitation when saying 'yes,' then forget about him and move on. the end."

"if he truly loves the girl, he'll respect her. no excuses."

thankyou, superman :)

persecution

Christ and His followers were persecuted.

Christians nowadays are still being persecuted.

i know that i have never faced such extreme punishment..

but feeling dejected and rejected for being who I am.. for following Christ.. for attempting to follow His commandments..

it's getting so much harder and harder..

no one said the christian life would be an easy life to live..

but..

i really don't know much longer i can keep holding on..

They preached the gospel in that city and won a large number of disciples. Then they returned to Lystra, Iconium and Antioch, strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God," they said. -- Acts 14:21-22

selfish

why am i so selfish..
i have very good friends around me..
i know that they care for me and i care for them, too..
and yet, i'm sitting here being mopey..
claiming to have a bad day when it's really not THAT bad at all..
all because of a certain friend who isn't being very nice..
but.. many good friends > one friend.. no?
or, that's what i tell myself..
... i need to stop applying math to relationships...

it's like this.

a lot of my friends around me have been feeling very sad about this uncertain period in their young adult life. not too long ago, i witnessed a friend crying so hard because s/he did not know what s/he wanted to do and where to go in life. sigh. i'm in the same boat as you, friend.

i really dislike this stage in life. maybe i would like it more if someone could just tell me what to do. it's funny how we crave for freedom and get angry at people for telling us what to do, and yet when we receive the opportunity to make our own decisions, we end up being more confused and bitter. i'm an indecisive person so it would really help me out if someone could make the decisions for me and i would follow accordingly. oh, i wish.

but there's something good about this uncertainty. really, there is. during this time, i'm learning more of who i am and who i'd like to be. i'm becoming a little bit more comfortable about myself, too, and i'm seeing more clearly of how God is still working in my life. sure, His voice is not audible and sure, i can't visibly see Him. but i know that when i have my meetups with samoneem or meetups with friends, it's so evident and apparent that He's really here with us and working in us. and you know what i was thinking? even if God revealed to us His plan, or if He showed us what to do, would we really understand what He's showing us? i mean, He's given us so much on this earth already, more than enough, but we're still so very puzzled by the things that He's given us. for instance, we don't know why He created such-and-such this way, or we don't know why this-and-that happened... our simple and sinful minds prevent us from seeing the big picture of God. BUT. one thing we should always keep in mind is that we DO know that whatever He has in store for us will definitely be worth the wait. and dude, it's gonna be realllyyy good. but our job is to TRUST in Him and to put our FAITH in Him and to PRAY to Him. always.

on a random note, i like having breakfast in bed. haha.

without Him

if God is not the center of your life...

nothing will work out.

i knew this already

but i'm constantly being reminded of it.

studies, work, relationships...

they'll all fall apart if God is not the Head of it all.

9.26.11

i forgot to write this entry yesterday so the title of this entry and the actual date of this entry are conflicting.. poop.

anyway, one of my close sisters and i plan to read the bible chronologically in one year. we're going to try our best to accomplish this goal and to keep each other accountable. i'm so excited to start this journey with her :)

that kid

he's a kid from my childhood.
we were never really friends,
we never really talked,
in fact, i wasn't quite fond of him.
i didn't even want to be associated with him.
he was kind of a jerk.

sometime in our middle school years,
attending different schools now,
we had our first conversation.
it happened to be on the phone.
how in the world did that even happen?
i don't remember.
anyway, we still weren't friends
but he called.. to ask me to come to his church on friday night.
he bribed me, said he'd give me something if i came.
so i went on a friday night. it was praise night.
i saw him. he came up to me. we said hi.
and that was it.
he called that very night.
i asked him, "where was my gift?"
he said he didn't have it because he didn't think i would really come...
i got jipped.

that was our last time we spoke with each other.
more than 10 years ago.
i forgot all about him.
but last year, he popped up in my mind.
why?? i have no clue.
tried to find him on facebook.
he doesn't have one but his cousin does.
(i'm fb friends with his cousin, except she doesn't really remember me, haha)
i tried to see if there were any pictures of him.
it was like he didn't exist anymore.
it troubled me a lot. i got worried, too
because i had a feeling that he'd hang with the "bad" crowd...
that he, himself, would turn away from God...
because you see, he was "that kind of boy."

a few months ago, my mom called.
she ran into his mom
who only talked about her daughter and not her son
my mom felt like his mom was hiding something
she didn't seem to want to talk about her own son
when i heard this, i began to worry even more.

but today, i came across his picture on his cousin's fb.
he's not laughing, not really smiling,
who knows what he's been up to...
kinda looks like the azn wanksta that i had pictured him to be, haha
anyway, i am so relieved
to see him alive.

the job that got away

i applied for an internship position at a fortune 500 company and my interview was today. when i drove near the company, i was amazed by the buildings and the parking lot that was full of cars owned by the 10,00 employees that work there... man, i was in awe.

the job was an accounting intern position and it encompassed the majority of what i wanted to do. there's no doubt that i could've learned so much from it; it was a pretty sick job, i tell you. not only would i have had my own cubicle but i would've had my own 2 desktops, a laptop, and a cellphone. andd it wasn't a job where i'd just sit at the desk all day but it was also a job called to go out and talk with different managers and such. okay, the last part of the job scared me a little bit but i was eager to take on the challenge.

i pretty much nailed the interview. it was the longest and BEST interviews ever and it wasn't because of what i had said/done but because the person who interviewed me was such a nice middle-aged man. he made me feel so comfortable that my nerves went away in an instant. he would've been the person i worked with closely, but eventually becoming independent and doing things on my own. i really wanted to work with and for him... the more we talked about the position, the more i wanted it SO BADLY.

after a couple of hrs since the interview, i got a call from the company's recruiter. he asked me one simple question and i knew that i wasn't qualified for the intern position: "are you a full-time student?"

i was so devastated... the recruiter had told me that i was chosen for the job but since the company's policy requires interns to be a full-time student, there was no way that i could be the intern. the person who interviewed me called a few minutes later, too, and he told me that he "fought" for me and tried to find loopholes in the policy... i was deeply touched.

i know that all things happen for a reason and all things happen under God's will. but i can't help feeling devastated by this... it would've been a wonderful opportunity to have worked there, and there was a good chance that the intern position would've developed into a full-time position... and the company treats/pays their interns exceptionally well... and boy, the experience of working there would have ultimately been THE MOST gratifying experience ever... man, this sucks...

[[edit 10:01pm]] wow, my friend just told me that today, he heard back from this job he interviewed for. he and i both thought he had gotten the job.. but he didn't. and then he reminded me one thing, "in the end, God is good." thanks, buddy :)

why, hello

hi there, blog.
i haven't written to you in awhile..
i hope you've been well.
as for me?
well... much has happened.
one of the best summers has gone.
playtime is over.
time to focus again!
praying for diligence and discernment and growth.

i'd really love to sit on this bench... :)

proverbs 2:7-11

if our love for God is really love..
and if we genuinely fear God as we are called to...
then.. shouldn't we try that much harder to fight against sin?
but.. we don't try.. we just accept it.. because somehow.. we've let the world become the judge..
whatever the world does.. we do..
because the world says it's ok..
but it's not..
all of this.. it hurts..

He holds success in store for the upright,
He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
for He guards the course of the just
and protects the way of His faithful ones.

Then you will understand what is right and just
and fair -- every good path.
For wisdom will enter your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
Discretion will protect you,
and understanding will guard you.
-- Proverbs 2:7-11

profound

"for nonbelievers, earth is the closest thing to tasting heaven. for believers, earth is the closest thing to tasting hell." -- p.joe

i want to keep my 2011 promise with You.

a pretty painting

after going to the san diego museum of art at balboa park with two lovable friends, i find myself looking at paintings during work. oops. hehe. here's a monet painting i really like. i have a new appreciation for art :)

peace&quiet

it's 9pm right now and i came to the office to have some peace and quiet. i'm so exhausted after a long day at an internship in irvine but i don't want to go home just yet. i haven't had time to myself for awhile. i've been so busy with work, tutoring, and now a new internship. my best friend is in town and my other friend made a visit to sd for 3 days this week. tonight, my best friend is sleeping over at one of her other friend's place so for the first time, in a long time, i'm able to have some quiet time to myself.

so much has happened for a month and a half now. it's all been a blur but one thing i know for sure is that i've been so amazingly blessed. i can't thank God enough for being so kind to me, for loving me, for remaining faithful to me. for the past year and a half, i was in a funk. i was depressed, anti-social, and crying myself to sleep at times. it was unbearable.

but in just a few weeks, my life has been completely turned inside out. after a year and a half of crying out to God in utter confusion and frustration, things are looking a lot better. and the best of part of it is that i am doing a lot better -- mentally, physically, emotionally.

but i'm still human. i'm still fighting my inner demons. and there are things i'm still unhappy with. but what i've been learning after graduating college is that i can't give up. i need to keep fighting. and i need to remain strong. it's seriously by God's providence that i'm still alive and that i'm still fighting. without Him, i don't know what i would live for and why i would live.

dear God,
thank You for remaining faithful to me. there were so many instances when i was so angry at You and i was trying to understand what Your purpose was for me. but now i see that you were building me up during the past year and a half. i see it now, God. and i thank You so much.

30

where do you see yourself when you're 30yrs old?

this question has been asked countless times but tonight, it really stumped me. i'm 6 years away from turning 30 and that really frightens me. the big 3-0. seriously, i wonder where i will be when i'm 30.

to my future 30yr old self: hi! welcome to your thirties. if you're in the bay, then i'm assuming you're living with your parents. if you're in sd, then i'm assuming you never left sd (why did you never leave sd?) if you have no job, then GET UP and find a job! you're freakin' 30. andd... if you're single, then i hope you're happy being single. don't be sad that you're single if the rest of your friends are engaged/married. andd... if you're engaged/married, then i hope you're with someone who was God-given to you. because then you'll know that he's the one for you. andd... if you're dying, then i hope you won't be sad that you're dying but rather i hope you'll be grateful for the life that you lived.

random

just a list of randoms because i'm too tired to even try to write in coherent paragraphs. what i just wrote was not even a complete sentence. nor is this one.

-- summer has finally arrived. i may feel pretty disgusted in my sweat during the day, but i am deelightfully loving the cool, summer nights.

-- i just got off the phone with a friend who i hadn't spoke with for almost 7 months. i forgot how much i like talking on the phone, especially at night simply because i feel unlimited to talk at night.

-- i'm having a lot of fun teaching SAT to one of my tutor kids. i get really excited to tackle a math problem with her, and i feel accomplished when she understands what i'm trying to explain to her, despite my lack of teaching skills.

-- i can't wait to get my gmat study books in the mail. i am really, really going to study a lot for it.

-- my really good friends left sd this past week. i miss them terribly... it's not always easy to find people who you can truly be comfortable with and who you can be yourself around. i've lived in sd for 6yrs+ but now that my friends are gone, i feel like a stranger...

-- my best friend is visiting sd in one week!!! i am so, so excited to play with her!! i've been counting down the days since she told me and she told me 5 months ago, haha!

-- the final harry potter movie is coming out next week! yay for next week! best friend + harry potter!! ohhmyygoshhh, i am super, super excited.

-- i'm not ready to go back on fb. it's been 3 months since i last had it and frankly, i don't want it. there's some people who i'd really like to defriend... but whether or not i defriend them from fb will not change the affect that they still have on me. ugh.

-- why date someone if you know you'll never love him/her and you know you'll never want to marry him/her? wouldn't you want to be with someone whom you really love? is having fun so much better than true love?

-- i decorated my new apt with freshly cut flowers. right now, there are bright, yellow mini-carnations in the living room. i can't stop looking at them. i really love flowers. more so than candy.

changes

new location. new apartment. new roommates.

goodbye old friends. hello new friends (i hope)

new job. (possibly) new internship. new perspective.

license on hold; whatsup gmat. be good to me.

i'm scared of a lot of things right now. i'm scared that i'm losing my friends. i'm scared to be living in sd for another year. i'm scared of the new group at church. i'm scared of this new road i'm about to embark on. i'm scared of all these changes going on right now; once again, everything happens all at once.

the most scariest of all?

...doing it all alone.

=)

그 동안 많은 힘들언 일을 견덨지만...

아직도 남아있는 어려움 도 있지만...

언제나 기쁨과 희망 그리고 사랑을 주셔서 고맙습니다.

identity

in our society, our identity is defined in many ways. just to name a few, it can be defined by what we majored in, what we do for a living, what our interests are, and what our personalities are like. we can even further break down these categories into sub-categories and potentially even measure our identity -- what our gpa was in school, how much we earn at our job, what activities we partake in, and which four distinct letters we can attain on the well-known myers-briggs personality test.

but strip away all these things and what are you left with? what is your identity now?

there is only One being who sees us not for our achievements (or even failures) nor for our likes and dislikes, but sees us for who we are, despite these external and earthly factors. and although we sometimes struggle with who we are or what we are to do in life, this same being will never ask such "silly" questions because our identity to Him and our identity in Him will always be constant and consistent. He will forever know us because He made us and He will never forsake us because we are His. this should be our identity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcBiJAIWJ3U&feature=fvst

Casting Crowns - Who Am I

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star

Would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

Vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love and watch me rise again

Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading

Here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean

Vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling

Lord, You catch me when I'm falling

And You've told me who I am

I am Yours

I am Yours

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

'Cause I am Yours

I am Yours

question?

in a weird and twisted way, it all makes sense now.

why it's been taking so long..

and why it's still taking so long..

but when, when, when

when will it all come to an end?

5 pillars of manhood

http://jaesonma.com/365-days-of-love-day-284-the-5-pillars-of-manhood-how-men-should-love-respect-women/

i found this blog entry to be an interesting read. it's written by jaeson ma, a well-known pastor in LA who is heavily respected in the asian-american community. i'm not sure if i agree with it word-for-word but i do appreciate how this entry is written by a guy who is speaking out to all the other guys on how to love and respect women while being real men of God. but i do wonder... is there anyone really like this? hmm. shrug.

mr. tortoise

One day, a hare was bragging about how fast he could run. He bragged and bragged and even laughed at the tortoise, who was so slow. The tortoise stretched out his long neck and challenged the hare to a race, which, of course, made the hare laugh.

"My, my, what a joke!" thought the hare.

"A race, indeed, a race. Oh! what fun! My, my! a race, of course, Mr. Tortoise, we shall race!" said the hare.

The forest animals met and mapped out the course. The race begun, and the hare, being such a swift runner, soon left the tortoise far behind. About halfway through the course, it occurred to the hare that he had plenty of time to beat the slow trodden tortoise.

"Oh, my!" though the hare, "I have plenty of time to play in the meadow here."

And so he did.

After the hare finished playing, he decided that he had time to take a little nap.

"I have plenty of time to beat that tortoise," he thought. And he cuddled up against a tree and dozed.

The tortoise, in the meantime, continued to plod on, albeit, it ever so slowly. He never stopped, but took one good step after another.

The hare finally woke from his nap. "Time to get going," he though. And off he went faster than he had ever run before! He dashed as quickly as anyone ever could up to the finish line, where he met the tortoise, who was patiently awaiting his arrival.

the story of the tortoise and the hare plopped into my mind a week ago, and i haven't stopped thinking about it ever since. i really like this story. because. i want to be mr. tortoise. in a way, i guess i am. things are going ever so slowly in my life, and it's been really frustrating. but, i've realized now that even though things are moving along slowly, i know that i'm moving forward. it may not be clearly visible to the human eye, but i think God and i both know that i'm going somewhere. and that eventually, whenever my time may be, i'll get to that finish line. just like mr. tortoise, i'm not going to stop. but i'll just take things one GOOD step after another.

something with the psyche

what is the right word to describe this experience?

so basically...

i came back to sd tonight (i had gone to the bay for a week) and i told my roommate that i had a dream about her a few nights ago. in my dream, she was carrying a newborn baby and it was the third child of so-and-so. my roommate looked at me with huge eyes and exclaimed, "omigosh! this week, i got to hold a newborn baby for my first time!! my FIRST! AND the mom was telling me that it was her third child and it was only 2 weeks old!" i asked my roommate what day she had held this newborn baby and she answered, "on thursday." can you guess when i had the dream?

on the same thursday night. holy moly! o.O

afterwards, my roommate told me that one of the teachers she works with had once told her about a man who's daughter was in a car accident. on the night that she got into the car accident, the man had woke up from his sleep because he had heard his daughter's scream in his dream. his daughter had died that very night.

wahhh!!~ goosebumps....

this reminds me of the time when i got into my very first car accident. it was pretty bad. when i called my dad to tell him that i got into an accident, my dad said, "you know, i had a feeling something bad would happen. i had a bad dream last night but it was about your mom being in a car accident. so this morning, i told her about it and i told her to drive safely. i didn't think you'd be the one to get into the accident..."

.....!!!!

i think this is why i find dreams so fascinating... bloop >.<

texas

at home, we have a colorful map of the U.S. hanging on the wall above the computer. it's actually a U.S. quarter map in which each state quarter can be placed on its respective state. i'm proud to say that we have all of the 50 state quarters, woot woot! :) haha anyways...

while i was looking at the map and analyzing the different sizes of the states, my mom heard me say aloud, "texas is so big..." right then, my mom replied in her very broken english, "we make you in tex-ah-seuh (texas). then you born in cal-ee-poh-nee-ah (california)"

i stared at her for a good few seconds because i had no idea what she was saying. we make you? huh?? and then it clicked.

my response? "ewww!! why would you tell me that?!!" and my mom just laughed.

hahahahaha.

bread&pastries

a friend had once asked me if i were to choose between giving up bread forever and shaving my head, what would i choose?

i'd shave my head.

i love bread way too much. oh.my.gosh. it's so fatty but it's super scrumptious! wahh... T.T i love all types of bread but my favorites are from the korean bakery. nom nom nom. i went to the bakery with my parents yesterday (~25-30mins from my house) and we bought $20something worth of bread. the owner gave us 2 free pastries as a thank-you for buying so much, haha. there's this one type of bread that can only be found in the bay and i am so tempted to move back home just for this bread. it's a one-of-a-kind!

sd fails in the korean bread market. it makes me sad. but then again, i guess it's a good thing because i save money and a few trips to the gym (not that i even go to the gym... but still).

how can you possibly resist?! .... yum :)

gLee

my good friend treated me to a glee concert tonight :)

i love glee. it makes me so happy.

it's definitely one of my all-time favorite t.v shows ever.

heart. heart.

You love me anyway

i heard this song for the first time yesterday. two sisters performed this beautiful song during offering. i'm deeply in love with it.

despite all my sins, despite my wretchedness, thank You for loving me anyway...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8BBCYFAYRI&feature=fvwrel

Sidewalk Prophets - You Love Me Anyway

The question was raised

As my conscience fell

A silly little lie

It didn't mean much

But it lingers still

In the corners of my mind

Still you call me to walk

On the edge of this world

To spread my dreams and fly

But the future's so far

My heart is so frail

I think I'd rather stay inside

But You love me anyway

It's like nothing in life

That I've ever known

Yes You love me anyway

Oh Lord, how You love me

How You love me

It took all of my strength

To simply be still

To seek but never find

The reasons we change

The reasons I doubt

And why do loved ones have to die?

But You love me anyway

It's like nothing in life

That I've ever known

Yes You love me anyway

Oh Lord, how You love me

I am the thorn in Your crown

But You love me anyway

I am the sweat from Your brow

But You love me anyway

I am the nail in Your wrist

But You love me anyway

I am Judas' kiss

But You love me anyway

See now I am the man who yelled out from the crowd

For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground

Yes then I turned away with a smile on my face

With this sin in my heart, tried to bury Your grace

And then alone in the night I still call out for You

So ashamed of my life, my life, my life

But you love me anyway

Oh God, how You love me

Yes You love me anyway

It's like nothing in life

That I've ever known

Yes You love me anyway

Oh Lord, how You love me

You love me

cousin

i have a cousin who i used to want as my older sister. when i was younger, i wanted to be just like her. she was talented in everything that she did and she would always do everything so gracefully and beautifully. she taught me how to make my very own paper dolls but i always wanted her dolls because she drew them so well. she learned how to french-braid her hair and make origami stars and things, and so naturally, i practiced french-braiding and bought an origami book. i copied everything that she did only because i looked up to her.

but one day, she made me so sad. i still remember that night... i was following her up the stairs and she turned around and said, "stop following me. stop copying me." i went back down the stairs and cried in the bathroom... i was so hurt. and since then, i vowed to never be like her again.

my cousin was (and still is) really smart. my mom started to compare me to her and told me to do this and that, "just like her." i hated that so much and my resentment towards my cousin grew. by the time i reached high school, i was so angry with her. at family gatherings, my cousin wouldn't really talk to me. at that time, i thought it was because she hated me but now i think it was because she and i didn't have much to talk about due to our different stages in life and because we were both really quiet and shy. but at that time, i was mad at her for not approaching me and talking to me first. i argued to my mom that since she's the older one, she should reach out to me. but my mom always said, "i don't think that's what you're really mad about. you've always had something against her and clearly, you're not over it."

as the years passed, my bitterness towards her gradually subsided and i started to make the effort in talking to her at family gatherings. it was difficult at times because i would always make the effort and she'd never try. but yesterday, she graduated from optometry school. i wasn't planning on attending because we aren't really close, but for some odd reason, i really wanted to go. and i am so glad that i did. she definitely was not expecting me or my other cousin to come to her graduation, and i could tell that she was genuinely happy to see us. she and i hugged for the first time ever. we hugged again when we said goodbye. it was so good. finally, after so many years, i am at peace with her. and i am so, so proud of her.

baby JD

i held baby JD for the first time yesterday.

(he's the son of the college 'pastor' at church)

he's only a month and a half years old but he's already so big!

his three-month-old clothes don't even fit him, haha.

he has crazy long legs.. i bet he's going to be a really good basketball player, hehe

ah, he's too adorable...!!

anyways.

as i was cradling this little fella in my arms, i was thinking...

baby JD, your mom had a really rough pregnancy. she suffered so much and everyone who saw her can testify to this. but even though you brought her so much pain, you are still so precious and so loved and so worth the pain. you little baby who just eats, sleeps, pees and poos... praise God for you, baby JD.

i know i'm too young to say this, and i know this may or may not be according to God's will... but... i want my own baby JD... heh heh... ho hum~

God is good

a lot of changes will be coming my way soon.

some have already begun.

i turned a year older. in hindsight, 24 is not a big number. but to me, i feel really, really old. i don't like it at all. i think it's because i'm still in the same situation as i was when i was 22. geez, seriously, where am i going with my life?

i'm going to be moving into a new apartment (tbd) with new girls (minus my current roommate) at the end of june. i'm not looking forward to the arduous labor of moving out but perhaps a change of scenery will be good for me. i will surely miss my crossroads apartment :(

i've officially started meeting up with my pastor's wife ('samoneem' in korean. 'smn' for short). i was hesitant to be her 'cubbie' only because i was afraid that she'd expect me to be more involved at church. i definitely had a reason to be afraid because on the first day of our meet up, the first thing she said to me was, "selena, you need to serve. i want you to serve." oh, dear me, as if i didn't have enough on my plate already. it's strange how her solution of helping me during my "crisis" is to commit to a ministry and to serve. my solutions were to either find a job, or continue studying, or go to grad school, etc. but here she was, advising me to serve the church. oh, dang it. how this will help me find my calling in life, i have noo idea. but... i know that this will only do good for me. it's just that... i... am being stubborn and i really don't want to be involved. because. i become really uncomfortable in group settings. oh, gosh, darn it -.-

my close peers will be leaving sd this summer. as much as i'm happy for them and excited to see them start a new chapter in their life, i selfishly want to plead with them to stay :'( how is it possible that all of my close friends will be leaving around the same time?! oh, goodness gracious...

our young adult group will have its own changes, too. some people (the ones i'm most closest with) are leaving, recent college grads will be joining, and the head/leader of the young adult group will most likely be leaving us, too. for the first time, i became comfortable with a 'pastor' (technically, he's not a pastor. but i don't know what else to call him) to the point where i shared so much with him. and now he's going to leave, after being with us for a year and a half. goshh, i don't want to see him go...!! >.<

the one change i'm looking forward to, though, is for God to change my heart. my depressed little heart that was soo consumed with the future. i have been so blinded by my doubts and insecurities about my future that i slipped away from God so much. future, future, future! that was ALL i could think about for the past several months. eventually, the future didn't matter anymore and i no longer lived in the present. life itself didn't matter at all and i still question the importance of life. big sigh.

what a crazy first half (almost) of 2011. ridiculous, really. but you know what? all of these changes, all of these trials, they're freakin' GOOD. why? because God is GOOD. He knows what He's doing and He's planned for all of this to happen in His GOOD timing. i may not comprehend any of it for i am a simpleton, but i do know that God is GOOD. and whatever He does will always be GOOD.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. -- Romans 8:28

24 (revised)

ironically, this year is probably one of the most sweetest and memorable birthdays i've ever had. i was pleasantly surprised by good friends who remembered my birthday even though i had deactivated my facebook. and although i had wished to and asked to be left alone on this day, my two very distinct groups of friends had come to church where i was studying to wish me a happy birthday. my close sisters surprised me at 6:30pm, and my brothers surprised me at 10:30pm.

i am still so very touched and i feel so undeserving of it all.

God, You are so good to me. thank You.

24

this year, i want to spend it with Him.

no cake, no friends, no delicious meals.

just Him.

why?

because...

i want to learn the importance of life.

and who better to teach me than the One who gave it to me?

i haven't been very appreciative of life;

actually, that's an understatement.

i've been welcoming the opposite of life.

and if i were to celebrate today with friends,

i'd only be a hypocrite and a fake.

how could i possibly be happy on a day that means nothing to me?

and so, because of this mentality,

i simply cannot celebrate it with anyone.

on this day, i want to be left alone with Him,

to be reminded of what life really means.

cake, friends, meals...

these things will only distract me

from grasping the truth and beauty of life.

i'm not trying to be emo,

i'm not trying to seek pity or sympathy,

i just want to be left alone

just me and my Maker.

fulfilled

in the present, there are three things i want to become:

(in no particular order)

1. a godly woman

2. a loving daughter

3. a loyal friend

(#4 and #5 will be in the way future)

i've been praying for these three things (on and off) during the past 2+ years, and one by one, they are being fulfilled. it hasn't been easy, but still, they're being fulfilled.

the trial for #2 has already come. the hardship happened over winter break, and it's not completely over, but now i know that God had presented me this past ordeal to show me how to be a loving a daughter. and since this revelation, my relationship with my parents have been amazingly better.

the trial for #3 just happened a few days ago. it seriously came out of nowhere! and it was definitely a heartbreaking period. at first, i thought that the situation was unnecessary, and i was frustrated that it had to happen. but more and more, it's becoming clear to me that God was using this opportunity to challenge my loyalty to a friend. i could've easily taken the easy road, taken the money, and "betray" a friend. if i had, i wouldn't be stuck looking for a new place to live, worry about extra expenses & paperwork, finding new roommates, and etc. and i wouldn't have to deal with all of this during a crucial time in my life. but no. i knew that the right thing to do was to be loyal to my good friend. a few hours after my crying session, it dawned on me that God was only helping me to fulfill my #3. crazy, huh? doing the right thing is always the hardest thing to do.

and finally, my #1. God gave me the courage to speak to my pastor's wife and to seek help. He has been bombarding me with so much misery all at once, knowing that eventually, i would break. and it worked. so, yesterday at church, i decided to join the "bears and cubs" program. one of the married women would be the "mama bear" and the "cub" would be a younger sister. my "mama bear" is the pastor's wife. ah, i'm still very nervous about being her "cub" only because of her title. but i know it will be good. and i know that God will use her to fulfill my #1.

you know, i used to wonder why every "bad" thing would have to happen all at once. i remember saying, "man, such bad timing!" but then i think about it more and i come to the understanding that there's a reason why everything happens all at once. there's no such thing as a "bad timing" because... God controls time. it's by His timing that things happen. and God is always so good; thus, His timing is always good, too.

thank You, Father...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. -- James 1:2-6

taeho's story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfL2U0BJ48g

the above youtube clip is about an 11-year-old boy named taeho who was born without any arms and only legs. he has a total of 8 disabilities and was abandoned by his mother. despite these obstacles at such a young age, his positive attitude and his "i-can-do-it!" mentality is what keeps him alive and cheery. he's so tiny and cute, and he also has a great sense of humor and shows a lot of affection. at such a young age, he exudes much confidence and admirable traits; he's definitely an inspiration.

9.11

sept 11, 2001. i remember that day. i was a freshman in high school and i was in my spanish 3 class. the principal came on-air and made the announcement about the devastating news. i came home after school and turned on the tv and every channel replayed the same scene over and over again -- the two planes crashing into the twin towers, one right after the other. my friend called me that day and we were hysterical. "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" that lasted for a good 30-35 minutes. we chattered about how this day would be a historical event, and that we couldn't believe we were alive to witness this. i remember my mom coming home from work around 6pm as she normally did. i kept jumping up and down, not really knowing what was going on in the world and how this cruel calamity came about.

fast forward 10 years. and today marks the death of the man who was the mastermind of 9/11. this is to you, the families of the dead, the soldiers who bravely fought and sought after him. after 10 years, justice has been done.

"Here is my servant, whom I uphold,

my chosen one in whom I delight;

I will put my Spirit on him

and he will bring justice to the nations.

He will not shout or cry out,

or raise his voice in the streets.

A bruised reed he will not break,

and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;"

-- Isaiah 42:1-3

IT

you can keep searching for happiness in this world by means of people, wealth, fame, love, etc. but in the end, everything will become meaningless and you'll feel like you're a walking zombie -- alive yet dead inside. you'll find yourself saying, "i don't care" about everything and one day, you won't even care that you don't care. and after you've reached that point, you'll question life and try to look for something that you think is missing in your life. so then, what is IT that we need in our lives? what is the IT factor that will give us hope and joy and a willingness to continue living on this earth?

God.

God is the ultimate "IT."

HE is the One who completes us.

HE is the One who fulfills our every needs.

HE is the One who brings us THE ultimate joy.

so, stop looking

and go to Him.

He has already found you

and is waiting for you to walk with Him.

None but Jesus

In the quiet, in the stillness

I know that You are God

In the secret of Your presence

I know there I am restored

When You call I won't refuse

Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me

None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free

Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion

I know You're Sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won't delay

This is my song through all my days

All my delight is in You, Lord

All of my hope, all of my strength

All my delight is in You, Lord

Forevermore

"i'd just live"

a friend recommended me this movie. he said he really liked it and that i should watch it, too. i didn't know what it was about; never even heard of it. but the friend insisted that i transfer the movie from his laptop to mine. so i did. unaware that i would actually be encouraged by it.

"It's Kind of a Funny Story" is about a depressed and suicidal 16-year-old named craig who gets a new start after checking himself into an adult psychiatric ward. the movie sounds a bit dramatic, but it's also comedic in a way; hence, the title of the movie. the underlying message is this: while you're alive, live. and make the most of it.

two of my favorite quotes from the movie:

(during craig's session with his psychiatrist, she shares with him a quote she once heard)

psychiatrist: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

(craig befriends an older patient named bobby who tried to kill himself 6 times)

bobby: "See, that's the part I don't get, Craig. I mean, you're cool, you're smart, you're talented. You have a family that loves you. You know, what I would do just to be you, for just a day? I would... I would do so much. I would... I don't know. I would just... I'd just live. Like it meant something."

life in Him

...thanks for the reminder, God. i needed it. happy resurrection day.

Because He lives

God sent His Son, they called Him, Jesus;

He came to love, heal and forgive;

He lived and died to buy my pardon,

An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,

Because He lives, all fear is gone;

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living,

Just because He lives.

How sweet to hold a newborn baby,

And feel the pride and joy He gives;

But greater still the calm assurance:

This child can face uncertain days because He lives.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,

Because He lives, all fear is gone;

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living,

Just because He lives.

And then one day, I'll cross the river,

I'll fight life's final war with pain;

And then, as death gives way to vict'ry.

I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives.

a cry for help

you know...

i really thought i could do this.

but now i'm not so sure.
every other day, sometimes everyday, there seems to be "something in my eye."

and i thought it would get better,

i thought i'd be okay by now.

but it's only getting worse.

i really don't know what to do.

and so i think of

sleeping forever

and wonder what it would be like

if i could just end it all.

and i know that's foolish and selfish of me

but i've reached the point where

i'm questioning

if anything matters at all.

i think this is what you call

the lowest of the lows.

i need to get out

before i really do

something stupid.

to be or not to be

Shakespeare - Hamlet, Act 3 Scene 1

To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office and the spurs

That patient merit of the unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!

The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remember'd.

someday

to know yourself

is to know God.

to be at peace with yourself

is to be at peace with God.

to love yourself

is to love God.

someday, this will be me. someday, i'll be able to check off these three things. someday, my conflicted soul will no longer be fighting but rejoicing as a whole. in Him and through Him and only by Him. someday, this will be me.

last day

today was my last day of volunteering. it was a good and busy last day. i'm really thankful that i had the opportunity to help people with their taxes, and it's been really encouraging to meet such a diverse group of people. my heart goes out to all of my clients. a majority of them were unemployed, some of them worked 3 to 4 jobs to feed their big families (two families had 5 children!), one was disabled, another was mugged and left with nothing, and the list goes on.

when i think back on my clients, i feel so ashamed of who i've been as of late -- constantly worrying about my finances, stressing about my exams, feeling distant from everyone around me. i feel like this is what God has been saying to me these days: "really, selena? your worries are nothing compared to these people. you have a home, you have a family, you have ME. isn't that enough? I love you so much that I saved you from eternal damnation. doesn't that mean anything to you at all? why have you been so devoted to your earthly desires when really, you should be devoted to Me? where is your trust? your faith? your love?"

He's right. i have so much to be thankful for, so much to be joyful about. yet, because of my selfishness and ungratefulness, i've been wallowing in anxiety and despair. oh, how my human heart so easily succumbs to the worldly things.

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world -- the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does -- comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. -- 1 John 2: 15-17

b-o-r-e-d-!!

WOW.

i am... so, so bored. my life is utterly dull. it seems like everyone around me has something exciting going on in their lives. i guess i'm fortunate that i can live vicariously through them; however, it would be nice to see my own life spice up for a change.

the other day, my best friend asked me to update her on my life. for the first time, in a long time, i told her that there was absolutely nothing new to share. even she was shocked and she actually complained, "gosh. i was hoping you would have some juicy stories... you're the storyteller!" hahaha... i'm sorry i disappoint you, bff.

but seriously. i'm so bored. and it's my fault. because. i'm being mia. i've been mia this whole year. but can i really blame myself when i know that this is what i had decided to do? that coming into this new year, i knew what i was getting myself into? i knew that life would be this way. but i didn't think the feeling of loneliness would quietly slither its way into my life. so this is what it feels like to not have any friends or family... mm... i see, i see.

well, this was a pointless entry. did i bore you? haha, i just bored myself. i'm going to go read a book now. it's a mystery/thriller book. the main character whose name is Odd (what an odd first name) sees ghosts and dark shadows that follow people who are about to commit murders. doesn't this book sound exciting?! alas, my only and little source of adventure. hip hip hooray!

...dot dot dot.....dot dot.....dot.....

-_-

God's Word

last month, i was blessed with a wonderful opportunity to be a dt leader for this year. unlike my past dt groups/one-on-one who were college girls, i was called to serve as a dt leader for a youth group girl. she's 15 years old... i'm almost a decade older than her. wow -.- haha anyways.

after learning that i was to be a dt leader, i was given a free and brand new esv study bible by hope church. it weighs a ton but i love it so much! i admit that i used to think the bible was too dull and difficult to read. but that only shows how foolish i have been. i realize now that the reason why i thought the bible was "boring" was because i didn't know what i was reading. i didn't care to learn about the author, the date, the genre, the style, the theme, the purpose, occasion, and background. but this esv study bible has everything! it even includes an outline for each book, charts, timelines, lists of facts, and colorful maps and illustrations! (i always get excited when i see color in a book. does that still make me a kid? hmm... hehe) these supplemental information has been added to help a simpleton, such as myself, to comprehend God's Word in its entirety. thank you, so many theologians, for compiling this resourceful study bible :)

my dt girl and i will be going through 1 John. i love a lot of the NT books but for this particular one, i have a biased affection and an emotional attachment to it. i read this book twice back in '09 and '10. but now that i'm using the study bible, i am blown away by all the notes and commentaries of 1 John. ah, i love it. i love it. i love it!

it's no wonder pastor joe's sermons are so long. the bible is so dense and rich; there's so much knowledge to share. it's no wonder pastors need a lot of time to prepare a sermon. it's clear that God's Word cannot be prepared in just one day, or else you won't be doing any justice to it at all.

i am so fortunate to have this study bible. thank you, hope church. but ultimately, thank you, God :)

masquerade

what you see

will not always be what you think.

she may seem happy

she may be laughing

but behind that well-designed mask

she may not be okay.

she may be hiding

she may be hurting

and the pain

may only be getting worse.

Casting Crowns - Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around

Everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay

If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it, too

So with a painted grin, I play the part again

So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there

Are there any hands to raise

Am I the only one who's traded

In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching

Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay

Well if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

fooled

i had a good phone chat with a friend. it's been a couple months since we've last talked. and nowadays, i rarely have phone chats. my cellphone minutes per month have been, like, 70 minutes. what a drastic change from jr high/highschool. man, i was always on the phone back then, until my ear and hand became sweaty, until my mom yelled at me to get off the phone. haha, i miss those days...

anyways. happy april fools. i've never been fooled on this day.. except for today..

friend: after updating me about his stressful life, he lowers his voice and whispers, "so.. i have cancer.. and i don't have much time to live.."

me: didn't really hear what he said so i laughed and pretended like i knew what he said. "hahaha okay."

friend: "um.. did you just laugh?"

me: "...yea.. wait, what?! did you just say you have cancer?!"

friend: "yea, dude. why are you laughing..."

me: "are you serious?! dude, i'm really, really gullible. so you better not be joking right now."

friend: "why would i be joking about something like this? like i said earlier, i have so many stressful things going on right now.. with my new relationship, with work.. and this adds to it."

me: "oh my gosh. you're serious.."

friend: "yea, dude. i have anal cancer... and no, i did not do the nasty with a gay guy."

me: googling anal cancer. "i am soo sorry... when did you find out? how did you know? did you tell your family?" reading up on anal cancer.

friend: "i found out just recently. i went for a check-up and learned that something was wrong. i haven't told anyone... except you now."

me: oh my gosh, i can't believe this. "i'm so sorry..."

friend: "hmm... you know, i haven't talked to you in awhile and so, your voice sounds really different. it sounds like you got more mature. and i was thinking that after i had told you about my cancer, you would be like, 'eff you. yea right.' but you're actually believing me... i think i need to stop this... i actually don't have cancer."

me: "WHAT?! o.O so, basically, because you think i sound mature now, you decided to play a joke on me?"

friend: "hahahaha yeaaaa.... april fool's, i guess?"

...wow -.-